trying to dictate AGAIN - advice/opinions please (long!)

[useyourloaf]

I posted yesterday about ExP's other half dictating when they were taking DS on holiday.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1510301-Being-dictated-to-by-ExPs-Partner-bit-long

Thanks to all of you for your views and advice but now I need more please. No family to discuss this with in RL so I really value support I get here.

ExP phoned me today to tell me he had received my letter - (Yesterday I sent him some info that I got from new parents evening at nursery school and a very civil letter requesting that they take DS's starting date into consideration when booking holiday and email me with response please).

He tried to put her on phone again but I managed to insist I deal only with him and by email. He pushed and pushed to have the conversation there and then, used emotional blackmail to attempt to get me to do so, but I said no.

He did get as far as saying he did not agree with my choice of "crap" school (he agreed before, we managed a face to face meeting about it and it's not crap either) and that DS has the chance to go to same independent school as OH's DC's for free. He followed this up with a text telling me I would be denying DS a great opportunity if I said no and I needed to call him at 5pm to discuss! I said no, email me and he then claimed his email was down. So I said write me a letter. So now I've got to wait for that.

They want to undermine my every effort and move. Of course they don't give a shit about holiday dates because they're intent on a different school. Their school would be "free" because she would pay (I'm pretty sure on this - she's minted, he has nothing). They've had their own agenda all along.

I emailed solicitor yesterday and called today but she hasn't called back yet -really poor - so will get onto this tomorrow.

..but wtf?

Now he's involving her (OH) to the extent that he will condone her paying school fees for DS.

WWYD folks? - sorry its so long and boring but I'm drained. And thanks for reading this rant.

If I've got this right ExH wants your DS to go to private school where his partners kids go and he doesn't have money to fund it? What happens if they split up?

Surely it's too late now for a school place for September? An good independent school would likely to have it's places full from children who have attended since age 3 I believe.

Not sure what I would do actually. Chance of a free private education for my DC, but at the cost of feeling indebted to the interfering new partner! Plus, like planetpotty said above, what if they break up, do you have to try and find another school for you DC?!! Risky! Are you sure your EX isn't offering to cover the costs himself?

Well done you for sticking to your guns and making him email
and not discuss over the phone!

It sounds awful useyourloaf, you don't want your DS growing up feeling obligated to his fathers partner either.

On your other thread you said that the nursery was linked to a school...is it worth seeing if the school has a home school link worker, and then seeing if she/he could refer you to any one who could help?

It's a bit of a long shot but when my DC's father left my the link worker was sent out by the school, she was quite good and could refer on to some other help...

Her paying for your ds' school sounds like a horrendous mechanism of control, particularly on the back of the fact he appears to trying to defer all responsibility to her already. If your ds settled in and loved the school, it would then become a stick to beat you up with: agree to this or we'll remove him from school and you can explain why. Absolutely do not put yourself in that position.

Btw, "my email is down" is a pretty bullshit excuse. But it is very unlikely that his email would be unavailable for the amount of time it would take for a letter to arrive. I would just tell him to email when it's available or get another email account. There are many, many web-based ones available for free.

I'm so sorry your facing this

I think a court order at an early stage is actually better for the DCs when agreement is impossible - the first stage is mediation and there is no reason why you can't start that process before you've seen a solicitor.

Until your Ex starts caring about your DCs rather than deferring to his DP then you'll need to stay strong and be both parents to them - but it's likely that he'll come to his senses sooner or later - at least, i hope so.

Hi anysummer. ExP said it's "free". He has no money, owes me thousands and lives in her (mahoosive) house. So pretty sure he isn't able to fund it - getting maintenance is a struggle.

OH told me on the phone other day that I never thank for all the things she does for DS. So can't imagine what I'd be exepected to do if she paid for his school.

Not sure from when they're proposing this school from but ExP has made it clear that he'suddenly not happy with nursery school. Hasn't even seen it as far as I know.

Email is an excuse, I know. Ridiculous. The whole thing is an attempt to push me out. Thet believe that they can provide better for DS.

Thanks for your support everyone x

Wow well done for being for firm and strong. Must have been hard!

Have you pointed out to him that you know she would be paying for it and so your child won't go there because of the fact your child will have to move school if they split up. That you are not willing to put your child through the upheaval.

You've probably already done this sorry, haven't read the other thread.

Gosh, just read your other thread. She's a bossy entitled arsehole isn't she!

very bossy and obviously believes she is far superior but ExP is likely to have faciliated this where I'm concerned.

They believe they do a better job and can offer DS more than I can. They have no respect for me.

DS lives with me 5/7 and we're attempting to out down roots - nursery school being part of that.

Every time DS goes there for 2/7 I feel like I'm losing part of him because ExP works with her and against me and has made it clear that this is how it is.

Going to try to seek advice today, about holiday and school.

Hi again OP

I can't express enough to you how similar your situation is to mine and why it's imperative that you stay firm. Within 7months of knowing his new partner, my exp tried to insist that dd be cared for in a childcare service provided by his gf's sister. This care would be provided in ex's home and they bullied and bullied and pushed for it to happen. Suddenly decided my choice of cm was crap and when I wouldn't give in to that, decided that my refusing to agree to the arrangement was denying dd a chance to spend more time with her dad. The campaign against my choices of cm, nursery, school has not ceased. It is relentless.
I came on here at the time they made the offer to me regarding his gf's sister as childcare provider. I was given a unanimous 'NO' from every single poster on here. All of them felt that it was a covert method of getting my dd off me. Ex and his wife would have the daily say on how dd was cared for, and that they would start to insist that she stayed overnight at theirs during the week etc, until i eventually lost my child to them. It still gives me the chills when I think about the actual fucking nerve of the whole sordid 'offer'.

You are reading a script to me that I could write myself. They want to be a family unit, and you are surplus to requirements, in fact you are a damn thorn in their side that they would like to disappear. New partner is desperate to keep him happy and if that means alienating the child from you, then she will do it. Please please do not give in to their bullying. If you accept this offer, you will lose control of your child to them, however dramatic that sounds, I believe it to be the truth.

This isn't an 'opportunity' that she genuinely wants to provide you child. ( and it makes me fucking mad that they are using that to beat you with). This is a sneaky underhanded method of homogenising their little unit so that it's 'all the same' and so that it ties up all the lose ends rather nicely. You really think that control freak is just gonna pay the fees and then sit in the background playing nice? No way. She will want a return for her investment and that return will be a say in abso-fucking-loutely every aspect of your child's life. Parents evenings, play dates, cosying up to teachers and other parents. God it makes me feel sick just imagining it. Add all this to the fact that her 'generosity' will be used as the stick to beat you quiet with, should you dare complain about her overstepping your role.

Tell them both in no uncertain terms, that you are satisfied with the school you have chosen, invite exp to have a look around to ease any concerns he has and then tell them you will not be accepting their offer. No Judge would force you to send the child to a fee paying school, so ignore any threats.
Be strong. They are using their 'strength' as a couple to beat you down. Don't stand for it.

thank you for sharing your experience pingu and I'm so sorry about what happened with you and your dd.

I am even more adamant now that I stick to my guns on all issues and you are right, I believe, about thier motives.

I am going to seek out more advice today.

Thanks again.

Wow pingu that's chilling! A warning well worth listening to.

Op i agree that you should stand your ground on this.

Isn't it strange how some new partners fight for control and try to push out the birth mum! I've read it so much on here. Im guessing its insecurity?

Who are you getting advice from op?

Does being the primary carer (or whatever it is called considering your child spends more of the week with you?) mean you get to make the final decision?

I also agree with pingu that she will start saying things such as The dcs schooling is paid for by me and so i can decide when to take them out to go on holiday etc.

I think you need to get your solicitor involved and get formal. If your solicitor is useless get another. Mine was a massive help in keeping ex under control.

No court is going to insist you send your child to a fee paying school when it is obvious neither you not your ex have the means to pay. Continue to put everything on e mail. If they start to hassle you on txt and phone, get your solicitor to send them a letter asking them to desist from harassing you.

Good luck

find out which independent school it is and how it can possibly be "free".

if his partner is paying then a massive no - because you cant be beholden to her.

is your x married to his new woman?

I can't believe this woman is such an interfering, dictating, arrogant twat and expects you to thank her for it!

they're not married.

I know which school it is.

Its close to them and far (hours drive) from me.

Got letter from "them" - it says ""we" are asking you to consider * school" and "we await your response". Just that. No detail or info at all.

Also got appt to see solicitor early next.

That's ridiculous to expect you to take your child to a school an hour away! I can't see that anyone (legal) would think that was a good idea!

"Dear EX ONLY

I have duly considered _ school. I have decided that it would be innappropriate for DD to attend, and have decided (original choice) is more suited to her needs. "

Any good?

Ooh i like that! Short, to the point and gives them nothing to argue about as you haven't put reasons.

yes like it too. thanks balia. Why couldn't I think of that?

You need lots of practice, OP. You are the mother here. If you have a person who will not listen to your words, you have to back it up with actions. If you have said you wish to make arrangements with the father of your child, and he ignores you and puts his OH on the line, hang up. And don't pick the phone up again.

That doesn't mean rule out a holiday for the LO, just set up reasonable boundaries.

From the legal viewpoint if the father has Parental Responsibility you both have equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means both parents can act unilaterally for every day parenting but both need to be consulted and agreement sought for important decisions relating to health and education.

When there is no agreement either parent can apply to court for a ruling on the issue. The courts would then give regard to the Welfare Checklist in s1 Children Act 1989 and the welfare of the child is the "paramount" consideration. Each case turns on the particular facts. There is no presumption in favour of the parent with the majority of care but very often practicalities determine the issue.

If you can't resolve the issue between yourselves or through mediation/ solicitor negotiation the relevant orders would be a Specific Issue Order to settle the issue of which nursery the child should attend or a Prohibitive Steps Order to prevent a child being moved/ starting before the matter has been resolved.

As far as the new partner is concerned she isn't subject to any legal stipulations, orders or sanctions and I wouldn't enter into any communication with her. It's difficult enough for two parents to communicate and co-parent without a third party who is too close to the trees to see the wood becoming involved in the disputes.

What balia said with bloody bells on.