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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Help

14 replies

wirral · 01/03/2006 13:20

Please can someone help me. My husband left me 6 weeks ago. He gave no reason but has since sent me a text that was obviously meant for his girlfriend. I've asked him for an explanation for his leaving and who his new partner is but he refuses to answer - just saying that life is too short to be unhappy.

We have a 6 year old daughter that we are having difficulty arranging access to as he works a 6 week shift pattern.He is moving into a one bedroomed flat nearby this week

I am unsure as to what he will be entitled to financially.

Basically please can someone tell me when the hurt and worry is going to stop? I am so upset that our daughter is suffering. I am so worried about finances. I am working fulltime and finding it difficult to cope with work but am loathe to stop as I don't want to sit in watching 4 walls all day. Is it worth while going to a Doctor?

Sorry I know that this thread is all about the place but so am I at the moment

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jollymum · 01/03/2006 13:25

Sorry to hear thisI am not brill at this stuff but I bet yu'll get loads of replies. Just wanted to say I'm here

Sparklemagic · 01/03/2006 13:58

Wirral, I'm so sorry. Don't have personal experience so no use probably but wanted to give you my sympathy. You must still be in shock actually, no wonder you feel all over the place!

Definitely I think go to your GP because he may be able to help, with pills if you are depressed, or counselling, or maybe even might sign you off work for a while - at least then you can be off if you feel you can't cope but have the option to go back when you feel ready?

Like you my first thought would be for my child's suffering in this situation but I have to say (have worked years with separated families) she will have the best outcome as long as both parents can be civil and not bitter about each other and about her contact time. It really matters that she can see you can bear to be with eachother (very very hard for you I'm sure!!) and also I think being talked to about it will help. Don't just feel it's done because she knows you have split - keep communicating about it, and prompting her about her feelings, and let her say what she wants to even if it's upsetting; then at least she will feel she can be open about things. Your ex will also need to do the same.

I'm sure she'll be fine - I guess the way to think about it is to work on YOU first, because if you and ex are genuinely OK with eachother she will cope much better. I honestly think in these early days you can't expect to cope with it all but I'm sure 'pretending' is good enough for now, eg, keep the upset and bitterness for on here and be positive about your ex in front of your daughter. Very very best of luck, you have my full sympathy and I'll be thinking of you x

Bugsy2 · 01/03/2006 14:15

wirral, I can't help with the pain you are suffering, that takes time. I'm sorry that this has happned to you and that your husband couldn't have the decency to talk to you.
Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not you should do so immediately. You will get a a better idea of what you are entitled to that way, than anything we can tell you.
May well be a good idea to go and see your GP and get some advice for your daughter too. My GP was very helpful when my ex-H left me.
There are lots of us on here who have been left by partners & husbands, so post whenever you need to, even if just to let off a bit of steam.
Big hugs to you.

controlfreaky · 01/03/2006 14:23

do get some good legal advice at early stage. you need specialist family solicitor who is member of "resolutions" / on children panel. (ask re this) so you can find out your rights re finances and re your child... in principle you are entitled (as married) to maintenace (money) for yourself and for child but will depend on financial circs et as to what if any you actually get. good luck

Original poster

wirral · 01/03/2006 14:30

Thank you all. Am sitting in work having a quite cry.(I work with men and they don't do tears very well) .

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bluejelly · 01/03/2006 15:03

Oh wirral you poor thing having to cry at work.

I know work is hard when other stuff going on but in the long run it will be good to have something that distracts you. I think you are right, staying at home thinking about things won't help.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life, a friend you can confide in, maybe even have a night out with so that you can get it all off your chest, at least for the night?

And in the long run is there anyway you could book something fun for you and your daughter, maybe a day out or even a holiday you could look forward to together?

Just a few ideas anyhow. I know emotional pain like this feels so overwhelming but it does pass eventually, I promise...

xxx

Bugsy2 · 01/03/2006 15:26

Oh Wirral - poor you. You will get through this. Try and find some anger - it is very helpful!

mistressmiggins · 01/03/2006 21:30

Wirral - I wanted to post at lunchtime when I read this but I was at work so couldnt (had just sneaked on the internet while meant to be working )

Your husband sounds exactly like mine - he too muttered something about the next 40 yrs & life being too short....

my husband left early Nov for the other woman and it still hurts and will for a long while because like you, it was a complete shock.

I carried on working for 2 weeks after he left...then I went to the drs and explained what had happened, and she signed me off for a month....I was crying all the time at work & it was just no good for anyone.

Can you try to put home in a box when you get to work? I know it sounds silly but if you try to do this, you can somehow get through the day - I do this and most of the time it works.

You need to take one day at a time.
You need to concentrate on you and your daughter.
Dont bad mouth daddy (Im sure you wont) but it is OK to cry infront of DD and explain you're sad that daddy has decided he doesnt want to be married anymore - COS THATS THE TRUTH.

Try CAB - they are very informative.

Work out whether you would be entitled to Legal Aid - cant remember how you work it out (Freckle might be along & she will know more)
YOu can get a free 30 min interview with a solicitor to find out more.

meanwhile {{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Original poster

wirral · 03/03/2006 14:37

Thanks to you all. My daughter's off school sick at the moment so I haven't had a chance to get back to you. My husband came round today as he has moved into a flat nearby. I am so sad. Not sure how I am going to survive this. Some days I feel positive and others I just want to die! I know that there are no answers but I just don't understand how things have come to this.

On a positive side my daughter seems to be coping well. Far better than me. I am trying to be positive with her about her Dad but she doesn't really want to talk about it.

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bluejelly · 03/03/2006 14:53

Glad your daughter is coping, I find when things get really tough I look at my child and my own problems seem to fade into the background somehow... It doesn't work all the time but sometimes it really does...

You are going to feel up and down but gradually you will feel more up than down, then only down sometimes, then generally up. Keep telling yourself you will get through this, it's a process like everything else...

Original poster

wirral · 07/03/2006 13:27

Just to let you all know. I think we've fixed access for daughter. He's having her 2 evenings a week after school and overnight one night a week. I should feel happy that this has been sorted but can't really feel anything other than abject misery at the moment.
He's moved into a one bedroomed flat nearby and daughter is incredibly excited about this. I just can't believe his life was so miserable with me that this is better.
I need to stop thinking about him! We just need to get the finances sorted out now. I am so scared of the future and can find myself having panic attacks if I think about things too much.

Thanks a lot for all your advice

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Original poster

wirral · 07/03/2006 13:27

Thanks a lot for all your advice

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bluejelly · 07/03/2006 16:09

Oh I am glad the access thing has been sorted... I know it's difficult to feel over the moon about it yourself, but it really will make things easier for you in the long-run and will make the split 100 times easier to bear for you daughter.
Make sure you arrange to go out somewhere nice or invited some friends round when your dd is at his house, then you won't be sitting there thinking about it.
Have you talked to your gp about your panic attacks?

Original poster

wirral · 08/03/2006 11:02

Not been to GP. I keep threatening to go but can't get round to it - work, daughter etc. I've just started taking St Johns Wort so I'll see how it goes. Thanks for all the advice and concern. It really helps to be able to talk things through

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