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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

empty nest

8 replies

teahouse · 04/07/2012 22:04

Long time single mum who has not been in a relationship for over 6 years and with DS1 at Uni and DS2 nearly 18.

I'm really struggling with not being important to anyone any more. I'm taken from granted by the kids these days which is sort of fine as that what growing-up kids do. But although I have a few friends, no one checks I'm Ok, no one thinks I might be lonely, no one really thinks of me at all.

I may never be important to anyone again, and whilst I know all parents go through the empty nest thing, it is so hard for lone parents. How do I manage?

OP posts:
cloudsinthesky · 04/07/2012 22:34

It's hard, I am not quite an empty nester but have just one DD who won a scholarship to boarding school a couple of years ago, so I suddenly found myself with nights in on my own. I found the first term extremely hard, I sort of withdrew into myself as I missed her so much and felt too guilty for going out. I was in the same sort of position as you, with some friends but all of them busy with their own lives. I had to make an effort to get back in touch with them - they'd stopped inviting me out for ages as I always turned them down as it was so hard to go out in the evenings before.

After a while I made a point of committing to activities, signing up to a few evening classes. It was brilliant to have friendly adult company and to have the freedom to go for drinks afterwards - something I'd missed out on for years! I also signed up for a volunteer position, started a home-based hobby, started redecorating the flat. Have also done a bit of internet dating, which was interesting but just a bit of fun for me rather than a way of meeting someone serious. I have a much stronger social circle now and find that I'm out of the house about half the week with activities.

It's a massive change in lifestyle to having sole care of a child to going back to being an independent person again. I used to be so envious of childfree friends who could go out whenever they liked, so I feel like I'm catching up on that time now. There must be some structured adult activities in your area? Even if you are just at home, there must be things you have always wished you could do but just didn't have the time when the dc were at home? Sometimes I just catch up on TED talks or watch films and enjoy having the place to myself!

girliefriend · 04/07/2012 22:41

I think you probably need to get a life and I mean that in the nicest possible way!! I would get busy, what about doing some courses, training, sports, volunteering etc and make the most of it because I am sure in a few years time you will be expected to be on Grandma duty Smile

avenueone · 04/07/2012 23:54

My DS is 6 and I've just adapted to the single Mum life, I can only imagine it is the same but at the other end of the scale. With time you will adjust - one step at a time and be very, very happy.
I always think the first step is realising there is a problem - it is going to be so much fun having that freedom - I just know it will!! Big smile anything is possible.

Ragwort · 04/07/2012 23:59

Agree with girle - why don't you do some volunteering, what are your interests? There is bound to be some form of organisation that would welcome you with open arms. I do a lot of volunteering and to be honest the feeling of being 'valued' and 'appreciated' is very heart-warming Smile.

teahouse · 05/07/2012 20:08

I will look at volunteering but it will have to be evenings as I work FT. I have one more year with my youngest at home so I can ease myself into the single life. I have tried internet dating but found it quite boring. An evening course might be interesting - come Sept when they start I'll have a good look.
Thanks for comments

OP posts:
rekindle · 13/09/2012 15:57

I think the big thing that "empti Ness" Mom's feel is often sick in the stomach fear. You're not worried about your children who will be fine, and you're proud of them, but your worried about what it will mean to Your future. I too, have a horribly sick feeling about what looks like years of loneliness ahead, and I went into a very dark place. What I found too, was I was using my children as my emotional crutch who were the "vessels" of all my feelings of support and emotional well being. I think husbands need to step in here and re connect with their wives, and I think the fear will dissipate a little. The one upside is I don't think you ever stop being a Mom or Dad...we've just given all our hearts to our children and we need to take some of that back and put it into other relationships that will be healthier long term, for them and us. Dad's too, feel devastated when their daughters leave because they might have played a big role in their care and protection. Mothers need to step back in here.

mrsmcv · 14/09/2012 01:00

You are more important than ever. I'm a uni lecturer at two universities, one extremely prestigious, one less so and what they have in common is students who do not know their arse from their elbows, regardless of their backgrounds, who are learning to be adults, struggling with miserable insecurities, and need their parents to provide comfort and a strong sense of home and stability in exactly the same way as kids starting school. In fact, prior to this job, I trained as a teaching assistant for reception children and I have used so many of the same strategies from that job in this one, you wouldn't believe. Your importance and parenting are absolutely crucial at this stage.

What you don't have to do is nights on sick patrol/ homework duty/ taxi duty and all the rest. So do what you've always done. Make the most of your time off, so that you can be there with tea, sympathy and patience when it's needed. And believe me, it absolutely will be. One of my best friends is 22. She is in her last year of a demanding uni course and has booked a term's worth of train tickets so she can come home and be with her mum, dad and new puppy every weekend. These kids aren't like we were, when we would have lived in a sleeping bag in a stairwell as long as we could say we didn't live at home anymore.

I graduated from an overseas university more than 20 years ago and one of the best holidays of my life, before or since, was my parents coming for my graduation and the three-week road trip we took after. My parents are not and never were cool and understanding. They are deeply irritating and we have always had very little in common. Who did I want there on that day? Them. Who did I want to share my experiences with, even though it was tempered with some difficulty because they couldn't get proper tea or a copy of the Daily Mail? Them.

It's never over. So take up tango and glory in the fact that your house is, temporarily, your own. You will be pressed into mum service soon enough, and dating is never going to compete with the fascination and fun of being a parent. In an ideal world, we imagine that couples who wave their kids off to university rediscover each other and start afresh living the hopes and dreams they put on hold while their families were young. In reality they realise they can't stand each other and have nothing in common. It's not and is never as cosy on Planet Couple as we single parents imagine.

This is a new and exciting phase in your life, and is likely to be short-lived as your kids return home after graduation because they can't get a job and all the rest of it. Have some breathing space, enjoy what you can of it, and brace yourself! xx

HermioneHatesHoovering · 14/09/2012 05:59
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