Unknown

[gorgeson]

Just a quick post. ExP & I have been split for a year. DC (4yrs) and I moved to my home town to get support from extended family/friends (exP idea). ExP visits once a month and regular phon/skype calls in between. ExP and ex-inlaws live considerable distance away.

I'm taking DC to visit exP for 3 nights next month - been planned & exP booked our tickets just under a year ago. Ex-laws then asked if DC could stay on for a few extra days after I leave to allow them to see them. This request came through 2 days before DC and I were going abroad for 2 week holiday as they realised schedules wouldn't give them a chance to seeDC during our trip otherwise. We agreed they would liaise with exP regarding arrangements and speak to me on our return from holiday before changing any bookings. Anyway, after pressure from his mother, exP changed DCs travel bookings while we were away without waiting for my agreement. DC will now be staying on with exP and ex-laws for 5 additional nights (more than the few originally mentioned).

I have no issue with DC staying with exP for a few extra days and believe it will be good for both of them. Just more annoyed that arrangements made without my agreement. As I am the main care provider of DC should they not have waited for this

Meant to say that exP monthly visit is this weekend and don't know whether I should bring up the subject - how annoyed I am - and lay a few ground rules - decisions cannot be made without my agreement just because he's under pressure from his family. Just concerned as he often blusters about whether DC should really be living so far away from him if I bring up issues in the past. We both have parental responsibility although as mentioned above, exP only sees DC once a month (when he stays overnight for a night with us) due to distance

It is difficult, because ultimately it is best for the children for you to remain amicable, but having said that it's a bit off, and I would bring it up. I always think it best to put it in writing. Be polite but assertive, and say that in future can decisions be made together, rather than travel arrangements and visits/ contact be organised without your knowledge.

Thanks for the advice MagicHouse. Everything is amicable so far and wouldn't want that to change for DCs benefit. Was thinking of speaking about it this weekend but your suggestion if putting it in writing would probably be better! Thanks again

By all means write a letter and suggest future plans made with both of you in discussion. However, I do not think a few extra days will be a bad thing as due to distance it makes sense for child to stay a longer time as your moving away from the area has resulted in child not being able to see paternal family as much. I would not say about you being the main cater as that will get the other parents back up as they did notnchoice to move away from child, you made that choice. I would say that these decisions should be made through mutual agreement of both parents. Like wise if you wanted to take child away and this would conflict with time with father you would need to seek his agreement.

As I know to my cost - without a formal court order, your exP can make decisions like that independently about your DC's in exactly the same way as you can - the fact that they currently live with you carries no weight unless you take the issue to family court for a decision.

If it's not a big deal, and you would have agreed anyway, then I would say let it go. By challenging something on the basis of principle, there is the risk that he will feel his role in your DC's life is being threatened and he might begin to exercise his legal rights in way that brings the two of you into conflict. That can never benefit the DC's.

I would mention it to him - let him know you happen to be OK about it, but that you'd like him to ask you first before he makes any other changes to your plans. You might have had something else booked up for your DS to do in those few days, for all your ex knew, or have paid for childcare that you wouldn't then need. If things are amicalbe that should be all it will take. I think it takes a while to get the ground rules figured out, so would approach it from the standpoint that you're not cross with your ex, just keen to get things comunicated better in the future.

Thank you all for the sound advice. Will keep your points in mind if/when i mention anything to my ex

It's nice that things are amicable enough with the two of you. But I can see your point about not being notified about the change. Maybe you could just politely say something along the lines of 'I have no problem with the arrangements being extended but next time could you run things passed me first in case I have have already made plans with the children.'

From the legal viewpoint both parents have equal Parental Responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities, including making unilateral day-to-day decisions. When there is a problem it is then open to either parent to apply to court for an order to regulate PR.

Practically good contact for children relies on parents working together (or at least not against each other) and going to court makes that difficult or impossible. Therefore it makes sense for parents to agree when they need to just inform each other and when they should consult. To that end discussing and agreeing a written parenting plan perhaps with the help of a mediator can be very helpful.