Am I being ridiculous??

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok, so I need to know if I am being ridiculous. My partner of now 6 months (although longer as were causually dating for 3 months before becoming a couple) has made the decision (without really talking to me about it) that he intends, for the time being, to keep our relaitonship a secret from his ex. In doing so it means he has to keep it a secret from his son, his dad and his step-mum (who get on very well with the ex) and possibly other friends and family to avoid her finding out.

Then yesterday he was having a bit of an afternoon bash with his friends and family. His son was to be there, so I was not going as we had agreed that we would not be making introductions to our respective children just yet. Then after the fact I find out that the ex was there for most of the afternoon, along with his friends and family, including his dad. I feel hurt that I didn't know she was going to be there, and that for the afternoon he pretended to everyone like I don't exist, yet he tells me how much he loves me.

Some background that is relevant -

• we both have kids. His is 5, mine 20 months. We have spoken about not involving the kids in our relationship just yet and agreed - basically because of his situation explained below.
• his access has been very patchy as his ex likes to play games and refuse access when he doesn't do things she wants/ expects from him. He is in the process of taking her to court for proper access and has asked the court for 50:50 arrangement as they both live close and he has an excellent relationship with his son.
• The ex does a lot of game playing and maipulation. Some of the recent stuff suggests to me she wants him back. I have told my partner this.
• He believes that it would not be in his son's best interests to involve him in our relationship until access for him is better
• He believes that if the ex finds out she will have a fit and further game playing/ denying him access will ensue, so wants to avoid this.

I have explained that I understand his situation, and the need to do what is best for his son. That I can live with his son not knowing about our relationship (despite the fact that he has told me he wants to spend time with my son) and not involving kids, but that I feel that not being able to be truthful with his friends and family is a step too far. And that I am quite bothered by an ex who seems to want him back not knowing I exist. I have told him it kinds of feels like our relaitonship is a lie!

I can understand how he feels, but can't help how I feel.

Am I being ridiculous???

So basically, your committed partner, has decided on his own not to include you in any part of his life, with no firm date as to when he might admit to dating you.

My feeling is, you (and he) are being incredibly unfair blaming his ex. I can't see how any of this is her fault. Your partner on the other hand, seems to be playing you and lacking a backbone. You don't know his ex and have no direct contact, so any information you have on her will be biased. And there are not many people who break up a marriage/long term relationship like that where you only have nice things to say about the other one. On the other hand, I can't see how a court case for access would be hindered by him admitting you are in his life?

I am not surprised you are hurt. He is playing both you and his ex and manipulating you both. There is little honesty in this. Just my opinion.

how long has he been separated and how long have you been single? It sounds like you are at different stages maybe? that he's in fairly early stages of separation whereas you are ready for something more long term?

Firstly I think that unless he has given you cause to think he wants to get back with his ex you should disregard this as a 'problem.' It sounds like he's concerned about access to his son and maybe just not ready for a serious relationship which includes introducing a new partner to his child.

I'd then think about what you want and whether you're prepared to wait for him, maybe give your relationship some time and space, maybe even take a break from it and date a few other people, give him some time to sort his divorce and access plans out and see how you feel after that?

When did he split up from his ex? It seems that they've still got a lot of sorting out to do and perhaps he's moved on too soon.

It doesn't make sense to me...If his ex is really as manipulative as he says she is, why on earth do his dad and step mum still like her?! He is the one who is doing the manipulating and tbh he sounds like a bit of a shit...FFS he is taking his ex to court for 50:50 access!! Personally speaking, my children are my whole life, they are my everything and if my ex did that to me it'd destroy me. It just doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do. Obviously their situation is different to mine, but I am presuming that he must have played a role in the breakdown of the relationship.

I agree with daffy in that if he was committed to you he would want to include you more, fair enough it may be too soon for joining in with family get togethers but he could definitely introduce you as a 'friend'.

I think you are unfair Goody - maybe his ex caused the split & suddenly he has to relinquish seeing his children all the time.

I think you have every right to be very concerned. Something just doesn't add up - it could well be that he is hiding something. Are you prepared to be treated as if you don't exist for another 6 months, a year?

I would give him an ultimatum that he has to introduce you to friends and family within the next 2 weeks or it's over. If he really cares for you, he will do it. If he has something to hide, he won't and you need to get out of the relationship.

They have been over for 3 years or so. Myself, about 15 months.

I do think he is worried about his son. BUt I'm not sure I;m ready to accept being kept at arms length from his friends and family, the secrecy feels wrong.

His ex is close to his step mum, who he doesn't really get along with, and therefore his dad is involved. I don't think his dad is ware really of how difficult the access situation is.

I personally think he is doing absolutely the right thing going for 50:50 access. I thought it was generally accepted that parents should co-parent as much as possible and this was the right thing for the child???

I have personally seen evidence of her manipulation and using the son as a pawn in her game, so actually think this is the best thing for him. I don't honeslty think he is doing it to get back at his ex, or for any other reason than love and care for his son.

i agree, an ultimatum has to be put here. for the sake of you and your child's feelings. In my experience, it is not worth starting something out on lies and secrets..especially when there are kids involved. If he decides to walk, atleast you know exactly where you stand and don't have to worry and rack your brains about what he's doing. there are good men out there, and if he is one of them, he will show you.

Hey - thanks for all of your views. He has decided that he has too much going on in his life right now and that we are over (or as I like to call it - spat the dummy). Just had the most wonderful phone call :(
Thanks for all your advice, but it looks like i have my answer!

Sorry giantpurplepeopleeater,but like you say,at least you know where you stand now.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry purple. Yes, at least you know where you stand and it's far better to be in no relationship than a crappy one. Hope you are ok.

So sorry to hear that Giantpurple, hope you are ok and have people in RL to give you lots of hugs xx