ExP says if he pays maintenance he will not be able to see kids as much

[LonaMisa]

Hi, the ExP currently sees the kids approx once a fortnight. He lives 30 miles away (he moved) I pay for the kids to get to their dad (on public transport), his partner drives them back.this has never been 'agreed' on either informally or formally, however if I do not pay the transport, they would simply not go, and their dad would tell the DC's that I am stopping him from seeing them (he has form for similar accusations)

this weekend only DC2 went to visit their dad.DC2 came back and said that 'dad has said if he has to pay maintenance then he wont be able to see them' (the kids) as they 'won't be able to afford the petrol'. The ExP also spoke to DC2 about the 'csa' as DC2 asked me what the csa was.

I have instigated csa action as the ex stopped paying maintenance for 6 months (he had been paying £5 a week) with no communication to me as to why he had stopped, or that he was stopping payments. I told DC2 that it was not appropriate for his dad to discuss maintenance with him, and that maintenance and access are two separate issues

I am now wondering what to do. I do not see why I should stop csa action (their dad has paid a total of (generous estimate here) £1000 in maintenance over 11 years (total, not each year or even each child) and has always had excuses at the ready to avoid paying. he moved abroad for a year telling the kids it was because i was 'taking all his money' after he refused to give the csa his income details, so they took a flat rate of £15 a week, plus arrears.he blamed me for this, not acknowledging that if he had been paying the £5 a week i had asked for it would not have come to that, and if he had co operated with the csa he would only have been paying £5 a week as a low earner.

he seems to be trying to manipulate me. how can I deal with this, keeping the DC's best interests at heart? I think he thinks if he tells the kids he cant see them as much because he is paying maintenance, that i will stop the maintenance proceedings in order to protect the childrens somewhat fragile relationship with their father.

thanks for your time, any advice appreciated.

The kids will only go without a relationship with him if he lets it go that far. You too are entitled to a life free from EA.

If he gives up on his kids thats his choice. My xh used to change around contact, times, pick up efc etc and i let him for an easy life but he still turned around 8 years ago and walked away!! And i know for a fact he will turn up like a bad penny when they are 17-18 and make out me and my xp pushed him out of dc lives....which is absolute crap but i cant change the fact he will lie about it all, i just hope my ds's dont fall for all the crap!

OK if he is pratting around with contact then you need to get it sorted pronto.

Forget what he tells the kids-he will bad mouth you anyway so don't let that get to you, if they say "Daddy said" reply "well that's what Daddy thinks but I think xyz " so they can see an alternative view. Don't be nasty about him with them just point out another version they'll soon get the idea, and you will have the moral high ground.

I totally understand you wanting to facilitate the DC's relationship with their father, I have been the same although thankfully the situation is different as mine are now older & we live nearby. It breaks your heart to think that they can be so casual with the affections of their LO's but to them (some men or women) its about control and having a hold on YOUR life, not wishing to see their children.

If his realtionship with HIS children breaks down it is not your fault or responsibility as long as you are facilitating access you should NOT have to pay for it.

Most women & a lot of men would move heaven & earth to see their kids regularly & as Mr Gin says scrape together the bus fare if they genuinely wanted to.

Go & have your free half hour with a solicitor and see where you stand.

Good luck.

will do,thanks, bossy, now i need to find myself a decent family law solicitor and see what they say. sigh, had hoped it would not come to this, especially given my health, but really i know i should have done this years ago. I guess it really shows how much the EA has affected me.

You are only doing what most of use try & do Lona and make things as easy as possible for all concerned but sometimes you have to take a step back & re-evaluate for your emotional & mental wellbeing.

Have you heard of the Freedom programme?

loads of great advice to help your confidence.

great poster!

It really helps some women to gain in confidence that they are doing the right thing & it is NOT their "fault" or responsibilty for their exes behaviour/well being.

Good luck!

Thats a good idea - i know a couple of mums from pre-school who have done this course....worth a go!

thank you so much for that, i have emailed them for details of local courses! I had heard of it before, but had no idea of who ran it etc, so thank you bossybritches

Oh great-good for you. I only heard about it via here & those who have used it, thankfully, pompous git though my ex is, I did not have EA during my marriage -although through talking on here to others I have realised he was/is certainly controlling.

You can do the course online I believe although a local course would be more of a support I would think.

See you are taking control....feels good eh?