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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Advise me on how we should tell our young DCs please

9 replies

Shybairns · 01/07/2012 20:36

Not sure if this is the place for this but...
h moved out 2 months ago. We have a DS 5 and a DD 3. We haven't yet sat them down and told them Daddy isn't going to live with us anymore.
h is a devoted dad and has been coming over before and after work and at weekends as much as he can.
DCs have asked a couple of times where Daddy is but mostly I've able to say either, he's at Uncle ***'s (where he was staying, and where he has often stayed ater a boozy night) or he's working away or he's at the pub or even 'I don't know'. All off these answers have been accepted with little fuss.
H has now moved into a rented house and is setting up a bedroom for the DCs. We thought maybe that having a physical place to show them might help them to understand. ???

So next weekend we'll tell them. DS especially will be gutted. They both love their Daddy very much. I feel like I'm hyping up this announcement in my mind. I'm imagining tears and heart breaking questions.

Should all four of us go over to his new place to see what its like?

Should h come over less?

I don't want him in my life anymore than he has to be.

All and any advice on how where and when to tell them would be greatfully recieved. Thank you.

OP posts:

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Nonio · 02/07/2012 13:31

Hi. I think if you sit them down and start my Mummy and Daddy love you very much but are making each other sad so Daddy has found a house so you will have to homes from now. Ask you children would they like to see Daddy's new house and would they like you both to show them? As to h coming over less it is a good idea it depends on your relationship. Remember what you need to.

ciderpenguin · 02/07/2012 14:46

There's some good books out there - Dinosaur's Divorce is one - that can help back things up after the initial discussion. Are they going to have regular overnights with their Dad - could help if they now when these will be and maybe he can involve them in choosing bedroom stuff for the new house. Can you be out or going out when he comes to do bedtimes - this works for us - gives the children sometime alone with their Dad and gives you a few hours off to do whatever.

Hope the discussion goes well and isn't too distressing for any of you :)

purpleroses · 02/07/2012 21:40

My DS was coming up 4 when I told him. Same as you - his dad had already moved out temporarily, and I simply told him that we'd decided his dad would get his own place and he (and younger DD) would go and visit him there and then could stay overnight, and could keep some toys there too. He was fine about it. Wasn't any more a bad thing than if I'd told him we were moving house, or changing nursary or anything. Many more questions over the coming months/years - don't expect to sit down and have 'The Conversation' with them at that age and it all be done and dusted. They'll probably take a while to really understand what is involved, especially your DC2.

2 months is a long time in your child's life - so if his dad has been living away that long already, it may not be as strange to them as you think. All the advice is to sit down and tell them together, but personally I'd try not to make it sound like you think you're delivering a bombshell to them - just telling them where their parents are going to be living in the future and take it from there. Expect practical questions to arise pretty early on - they'll want to know whether they'll have beds in each house, toys, etc.

It might be best for your ex to take them over to show them his new place, and maybe they could then show it to you when you call to pick them up. Get him to get them involved in choosing new things for the new place, and make it clear that you are happy for them to do so.

You'll probably want to move to him having them at his place in time - once they've seen the place and he's settled in you'll probably feel happier if he does this, and they'll get used to the new set up.

Original poster

Shybairns · 03/07/2012 14:04

Thanks everyone. I think you're right purpleroses about not trying to deliver some massive bomb shell. Just a few words on the new practical arrangment.

Makes me feel sick thinking about it.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 20:09

I hope it goes ok this weekend. My two were 5 and 1. We told DD that Mummy and Daddy loved them both very much but that we were arguing all the time and not making each other happy. So we had decided that we would be much happier if we lived in different houses. We said they would live with me, but still see lots of their dad at weekends and during the week.

DD accepted it very well. She actually got very excited about the move. In reality it was all very stressful of course, but the talk itself at the time made sense to her. (And now nearly a year later, we are very settled and very happy on the whole :-) )

Original poster

Shybairns · 06/07/2012 20:14

Thanks Magic. Speant the late afternoon arguing with stbexh. Not looking forward to tomorrow. I really can't bear to be around him right now.

Fingers crossed the right words come out, and we are able to answer any questions well.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 20:20

I think it will be ok. My split with exh was very acrimonious, and we were having terrible arguments at the time, but oddly, in the middle of all this fury, the talk was very gentle and calm, I think because she was the focus of it, and it needed to be right for her.
We emphasised that we weren't making each other happy, and that we would be happier in different houses.
I think there is so much research that says the children usually think they are at fault, so we said it was nothing to do with her, or how we felt about her and that we both loved her very much. We just didn't make each other happy.
It's a very stressful time. Good luck. Things do get easier. You are in the hardest bit.

thecinnamongiraffe · 06/07/2012 21:19

Our oldest was 4 when ex-p moved out, he also moved to a stop gap place before getting settled and we said he was working away a lot. When I finally had the chat with DD she said 'I know Mummy'. That was that.

I'm not so sure about all 4 of you going to see the place, I guess it depends how you feel, if you think it will upset you then I wouldn't go myself (well, I would have done a few months ago, but not now, I don't do him so many favours any more because I really had to start looking after myself a bit better emotionally).

Ditto for having him round, avoid it if you can. You need you house to be yours, ex-p visits the DC's here and its a pita tbh...(sorry if I sound harsh).

Mumfun · 07/07/2012 09:40

Mine were 5 and 3 and they just accepted that Daddy was going to live in a different house -they were used to him working away anyway a lot. It can actually be very straightforward for them at this age. Its you that has all the emotional upset. I wouldnt visit the new place myself as I would have got very upset -and that would be unfair on them.

You will get further questions over the next few years as to why he he moved out and why their daddy doesnt live with them. One of mine has also expressed a lot of sadness now as she wants her dad to live nearer so she can see him more - but he doesnt want to do that.

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