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Original poster

Advice please - DD & DS' dad

10 replies

Claire2009 · 28/06/2012 23:40

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right area, but I'm a single parent so thought I'd stick it here.

I split from my kids dad when they were 2 and 10mths old. He was having them every other weekend, he lived locally and this was fine, though occassionally ds would be brought back with his sisters purple patterned trousers on and so on Hmm
Ex moved away (300 miles away) after a few months, saying he would still see them, he didn't bother though, and when he did it was once every 4-5mths, I refused this and he threatened to take me to a solicitor. I beat him to it though and got some advice, I was basically told that I did not have to let him have access due to the relationship together (domestic violence) but I said I wanted him to have a relationship with the kids, just regular!
It was agreed (after a couple of months) he would have supervised access, he was entitled to 2hrs a fortnight at a contact centre.... this went on for just over a year and I told him he could start taking them out for the day, nothing more, just spend more time with them both rather than cooped up in a hall with little to do.
He gradually began to mention the idea that he could take them to his during the school holidays, I was very unsure but eventually agreed. He had them for 1-2wks at a time, we split the holidays and he had them one christmas, I was trying to be fair.

He obviously got bored of this arrangement and has gone back to seeing them every 3-4mths now, though he is asking if he can have them for 3wks in the summer hols....they haven't been to his since last summer hols (nearly a year ago) and I don't want them to go. Yes, I am shattered (ds is autistic) but I don't trust him. DD (6) was telling me the other day 'Daddy doesn't shout at us when we argue, he is normally sleeping, but he wakes up when Big Barn Farm comes on the tv' Angry DD obviously didn't know how wrong that was, and I am disgusted that he done that, he has fallen asleep with them 2-3 times before and I have made my feelings perfectly clear about it.

Anyway (sorry for the long winded post) .... after all that, does anyone have any advice on what to do? Do I just cut contact? Recently he's been seeing them every 3-4mths, he comes down for the day and goes again, the kids are not bothered about his arrival nor him leaving.....Hmm I don't really know what to do, anytime I speak to him he says he'll sort it etc and never does...

OP posts:
MrGin · 29/06/2012 09:49

So you split up and he had them every other weekend and the worst that happened was your ds was returned with his sisters trousers on.

He moved away and you then arranged that he could only see them for a measly 2 hours a fortnight at a contact centre.

He kept that up for a year, travelling 600 miles to see his kids for two hours.

You then allowed him to take them out for the day. Nothing more.

He then has them for 1-2 weeks in the holidays.

You say he got bored of this, but he's also asking for three weeks in the summer.

And now you want to cut contact all together.

If you think your children are at risk then of course you shouldn't allow un supervised access, but you have in the past, for weeks on end.

Sorry but I feel sorry for him and your kids tbh.

Sassybeast · 29/06/2012 09:56

Or alternatively, he moved 300 miles away and then decided he couldn't be bothered to see his kids.....then contact resumed and again he got bored.

OP, if you have concerns about the welfare of your children based on previous incidents, then speak to a solicitor and discuss your options. It may be as simple as drawing up an agreement as to fixed times when he is there to see them.
The situation at the minute is not fair on your kids and they need a more stable relationship with their father than one based on his whims. You can get a 30 minute consultation with a family law solicitor.

MrGin · 29/06/2012 10:00

Or alternatively, he moved 300 miles away and then decided he couldn't be bothered to see his kids

He travelled 600 miles every fortnight for a year to see his kids for two hours. How do you see that as not being bothered ?!?!

purpleroses · 29/06/2012 12:51

I don't think falling asleep whilst kids are about is that big a crime. Mine have regularly prowled the house in the early mornings unattended since DD was that age or younger. And I used to curl up on the couch for a doze with DS when DD was a baby quite often.

Do you have other reasons to think he's unsafe with them? If not, I can't see why he shouldn't take them on holiday, though personally I think I'd suggest a bit less than 3 weeks. At 6 years old that might be a long time for your DD to be away from you.

Happylander · 29/06/2012 13:13

I am with Mr Gin on this one. He travelled that far for 2 hours to me that shows some commitment and I don't blame him for . My ex can't be arsed to do that and he can have DS for the whole weekend.

Offer him overnights at the weekend and then see what he does.

Mobly · 29/06/2012 22:59

I agree with mr.gin. There is no indication whatsoever that you feel he is unsafe to be with the children yet you made him have supervised access and very limited contact. Why did you do this? To punish him? To exert control?

If you felt he was unsafe then why would you have allowed such long contact periods when they were younger?

Falling asleep briefly with a 6yr old & 4yr old is hardly a reason for worry. Provided the environment is child friendly then not a problem.

You haven't given any reason to suggest that the children would be better off without him so in their interests I would aim for regular every other wknd access & holidays shared.

If your biggest issue with his care of the children is putting them in the wrong clothes then think yourself lucky.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 30/06/2012 00:06

... perhaps your son wanted to wear his sisters clothes...

perhaps 3 weeks is a little long try spitting it into 2 blocks?

Original poster
Claire2009 · 30/06/2012 20:20

As I have said, DS is autistic, falling asleep with him around is a no-go.

DD told me he was watching 'naked people' on the computer (porn) she was 5 at this point, if he wants to do this then by all means he can, but not around the children! Of course I spoke with him about it but as always it goes through one ear and out the other.

He does very little with them other than park them in front of a tv and sleep on the sofa, that is my concern. Whether it is safe for them to go.

To see his kids every 3-4mths, when HE feels like it is obviously not fair, and then to randomly ask for them for 3wks..... that was what I was pointing out.

And as for feeling sorry for my kids and him?!! Really?! Did you miss the part about the domestic violence and him beating me for 5yrs???! Holding a knife to my throat, stabbing me with my 3wk old son in my arms??!! Great Dad he is!

He makes threats regulary about my past, family history etc, I have no family around anymore as I cut all ties, which was the best thing for me, and safest for my kids. So he has nothing on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claire2009 · 30/06/2012 20:21

Ohh....and DS was a year old, so hardly had a choice in whether he wanted to wear his sisters clothes or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Claire2009 · 30/06/2012 20:22

Have offered over-nights/weekends before, he has said no several times do to the journey length, yet he managed it when it was official at the contact centre.

OP posts:
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