Having a tricky time arranging access

[floppops]

My DD is 2.5 and at the moment the only reliable contact she has with her father is on Saturday mornings between 10am and midday when I encourage him to take her to a playgroup.
I am having trouble making him stick to anything else.
He often wants to come round and just "hang out" with her. Which doesn't work well for me or her-often ends in sniping and arguments.
He can't take her to his home as he lives (legally)in a disused commercial building. It isn't safe for children and neither she or him want to spend time there anyway.
He always wants to be around me or go out with us together. I have been doing this as he just wears me down plus she wants to see him and I feel like I have to go along with it for her sake.
How can I make him stick to a real arrangement and is it reasonable that he takes her somewhere and not just see her at my home? He doesn't drive and says there is nothing he can do with her.

If she's 2.5 he could put her in the buggy and take her for a walk.
I'm sure there are local parks, ducks to feed etc close by.

IMO he's trying to control you.
If you don't want him in your house tell him.

Do you have a court order for contact?

Sadly MN is full of stories about dad's ( and some mums ) who don't stick to arranged access ( I'm tired, hungover, busy, can't afford it, have to work etc etc etc ) and unfortunately you can't make them stick to it. You'd think they'd put their kids first, but alas no.... so I don't think you can make him stick to anything if he's being a dick and being irresponsible. All you can do is re-enforce that his dc will suffer if he doesn't put the effort in.

Before my dd started staying with me ( I'm an NRP ) I would take her out to museums, parks if the weather allowed, swimming, toddler play at the local sports centre, play grounds ..that sort of thing. But thankfully I get on ok with my XP so I'd also go to her place ( she'd go out ) and I'd play with dd there sometimes.

And to be honest, certainly in winter, I wouldn't want to be taking dd out all day.

You shouldn't feel you have to go along with the two of them, possibly / likely he lacks the confidence to have dc all day, you could help him with that maybe. i.e. making sure he goes out with all the stuff, spare clothes, coloured pencils and paper, picture book, sticker book, changing kit, food and drink etc.

So yes I think it is reasonable that he takes her out, and if sometimes you let them play together at yours whilst you go and do something else then good for you.

Ultimately though he needs to sort out a suitable home where he can take care of your dc, and even then he'd need to plan stuff to do.

The closest park is a couple of bus rides away unfortunately. Takes him about 40 minutes so isn't great..there is a playground nearby but he will only take her there for half hour and he "doesn't like it"..
Actually have just thought there is a pond not too far to walk to. Will try and suggest that.
He doesn't listen to anything I say and is constantly confrontational. I often end up just trying to keep the peace as if I try anything else I get texts,emails and phone calls non stop saying what an awful person and mother I am.
I have never had formal contact arrangements. What are the benefits?
I really doubt he would go along with any arrangement or agreement and then I would be in the position of forever going to court.

Thanks for that mrgin. Yes he does need to sort out a suitable home. But I fear he never will. He has many issues.
I don't think it's about confidence. He has previously taken her to the zoo for the day when I lent him my car and been fine. But I really don't want to do that anymore.
He also never has any money-left a couple of well paid jobs in the last few years to "freelance" so he doesn't want to pay to take her.
He has no interest in taking her for the whole day. The most he seems to manage is 2 hours. I can't force him to want to.

Well you should certainly keep a log of everything ( as well as keeping all his horrid messages ) , times he turns up ( or not ) , excuses for not turning up, emails where you offer him access etc.... just in case one day he kicks up a fuss and says you've denied access and you can show that in-fact he's not bothered to turn up.

Sod him not liking the play ground what about your dd !

Is there a library anywhere near you ?

I think ChildofIsis is perhaps right that part of his motive is to be around you and not just his dd. But a court order is just a bit of paper that he can choose to ignore, you can't force him to turn up at agreed times.

But it's summer ( sort of ) can't they go out on a day trip somewhere out into the countryside ?

He needs a royal kick up the backside. :o

He blames not having a car on not being able to take her anywhere.
Really there are plenty of places and things to do as all us parents who look after our children know. But he just can't be bothered to arrange anything. He always asks me what he should do with her but then would always have an excuse to why he can't do it, usually the travelling. If he has to use public transport he doesn't see the point taking her anywhere as he only will do 2/3 hour visit at the most.

You could try and take some control back and have a look at your week/work pattern (if there is any pattern to it), ditto his week/work pattern and figure out some gaps where you make it clear your DD is available for him to spend time with her/out with him. Pre-empt excuses like he has nowhere to go, nothing to do- give him a list of places/ things to do and leave it at that. Add in that if he wishes to see DD on the days/times she is available, you will require 24hrs notice of his intention to see her and the time he will pick up/drop off. If he fails to give the notice and info you stipulate, you will take that as his indication that he will not be taking up the offer of contact on the day/times your DD is available. When he kicks up a fuss, just keep referring to the contact schedule you have given him, if he doesn't like it you await his counter proposal.

It takes a lot to get through this and it isn't always a successful outcome i.e. he could see your DD even less/not at all. But, with that you need to remind yourself that this is his choice, his decision and you are not responsible for his failure to see your DD on the days she is available for contact.

It's an option but if you do decide to go down this route, you need to see it through or he will simply take it as a sign that you will back down if he creates a big enough stink.

Good luck

Thanks bananaistheanswer that's a really good plan. I have said as much to him before but always given in.
He says he cannot commit to a particular time in the week as his work schedule varies constantly. So he always wants to leave it open. But the 24 hour notice is a good idea. Times of pick up I always ask for and never get-it's just whenever he gets here. I can't turn him away when he's late as DD would get upset so I'm not sure how to force him to stick to a time. I have threatened to stop him seeing her if hes always late but again just feel bad when she wants to see him.
I think I need to have more resolve,come up with a plan and stick to my guns.

Flop I know how hard it is with someone who pisses about. My ex works shifts but they do vary so never the same day off each week. The way I deal with it now is I don't tell DD that her dad might be coming to see her. If he doesn't give me advanced warning he wants to see her, I make my own plans. If you work it that way i.e. you have something else for your DD to focus on or look forward to, she won't be aware that she's missed time with her dad. If he happens to turn up without notice and you aren't doing anything anyway you don't have to stop him seeing her because he's not given you notice. But, if you make plans and you aren't there when he turns up without notice he'll soon get the message that ad hoc time with DD means he'll be wasting his time coming all that way to see her. You make light of it - be sickly sweet in telling him that it's a shame he didn't give you notice as you could have either changed your plans or you could have told him that you had plans so had he asked beforehand you could have saved him a journey. If he gives notice but doesnt turn up, just keep a record of this and never tell DD he's said he's coming.

Basically, make it clear your life doesn't go on hold waiting for him to remember your DD exists. Once he realises that it'll take some effort and consideration on his part, he might change his ways. There is a chance he won't but your mantra is 'you are not responsible for the choices he makes'. What you are responsible for is making your DD available for contact. If he doesn't take up the opportunity to see DD, that is entirely his choice.

My ex used to make me wait for his call to know when he was turning up (every day every week unless he couldn't be bothered).

Then I got a solicitor, and he now doesn't see her in my home, has set days/times (3 times a week), and has to give 24 hours' written notice of a change. And all without a court order :) Doesn't stop him being an abusive idiot when he's there though...

If you have a contact order and you don't stick to it - they can enforce it - sadly it doesn't work the other way round - even if they are ones seeking contact and take you to court - but you can go back to court and ask for it to be changed. Going through legals at the moment.