Donor families - how did you explain and when?

[aliceemma]

Are there any other donor families out there who could share how they explained to their children about a donor parent and when. Also on reflection is there anything that you wish you had / hadn't done / would have done differently. My DD still very young so keen to hear any feedback on simple things that can be shared with littlies.

I explained from birth. I wrote a book and read the story of their conception to the kids. They couldn't understand. But it helped me get comfortable with the words. I talked about their donor and about their half-siblings. I kept on talking. By the time they were three the children were talking about their donor to other people. They are now in Year One and they talk confidently at school about having a donor and not a daddy.

I used the Donor Conception Network 'My Story' books at first and looked for hints in their 'Talking and Telling' series. I also met regularly with other single parents of donor conceived children. I have always been open in front of the children, even if it has made me uncomfortable (e.g. if they start asking questions about being donor conceived on the bus in very loud voices!).

I feel that I have gone about this in a very good way and I would not change anything about my approach (it's not very English to sound so certain!).
Have you joined the Donor Conception Network? They have a singles section. There was also a conference for single mothers by choice organised by a group that seemed to advertise through the DCN. I went along in May and they said they would be organising a similar event next year. If you are in London there are also regular meet ups for parents of donor conceived children via the DCN. There is also a DCN picnic for single mothers (and wannabe mums) this coming weekend. PM me if you want more information.

What about when they want to know who the donor actually is?

I said that the donor wasn't part of our family, although I was very grateful to him because he had helped make them. I gave them line from the time they were babies. I gave them the information I had about him, which was quite a lot. I told them that they could find out who he was when they were older, but I didn't know if they could meet him. However, I said that they could meet other children made from the same donor if they wished.

The situation I would avoid is 1) promising they could have a relationship with the donor, when he might be dead when they get round to contacting him, or so overwhelmed by the demands from other children that he is not interested and 2) using a known donor and then not telling the children the identity of the donor. I know some lesbian couples who have done this, and I feel it is a terrible for the child and for family relations. You are giving the message that you prioritise the donor's feelings over your child's need to know.
I think it is probably easier to talk about sperm rather than egg donors as a sperm donor is explaining to the child why they don't have a daddy around, which would arise naturally. The issue of egg donation wouldn't arise as people will naturally assume the social mother is the genetic mother. I think it is probably scarier to embark on telling a child that she or he is not genetically related to you.

I took the same approach as biggerthan my DS is 26 months and I have been telling in some form since he was tiny.

Its hard to tell exactly how much he really follows but he knows we dont have a daddy - I have a couple of other books (todd Parr "Families" is a favourite) which talk about all different kinds of families

He is very interested in other peoples daddies so we are still a work in progress but I always knew this would be one of the hardest pats of raising a child alone.