I am being such a knob at the moment, please prod me

[pamplemousse]

I just need to vent a bit and get a bit of hand holding and gentle, gentle prodding in the right direction please.
Have always discussed parenting stuff with stbxh and finding it hard to make decisions alone. I need to bounce ideas off someone else :( So far the parenting team we made worked, its just the rest of our relationship was shit.
Firstly I have PMT so am emotional anyway and secondly am awaiting some uni exam results so a little on edge too.
DD is 5 and has adjusted well to stbxh moving out 18 months ago. I'm not doing so well as her clearly!
She is having a scared of the noises/monsters under the bed/dark/anything upstairs phase and I can't help, and I know its stupid, taking it personally. I know she doesn't act like this with her dad. She is always saying she can't sleep, she's scared etc.
How do I stop myself being such a total tit about it and taking it so personally? I think (and sometimes worse, say) whats wrong with my house? All she probably wants is a hug and I'm there giving her the 3rd degree trying to sort out the problem. I find myself saying what can I do to help you, do you really hate this house/your bedroom so much you can't sleep? I can hear myself twisting her words and bringing it back to myself, making her feel guilty. My mum did this to me, still does, and now I am completely mortified to find myself being the type of mother that I am striving not to be. Having just burst into tears in the kitchen over my own patheticness, I feel I could do with a bit of advice please....
I really really reallly don't want to be that gulit tripping, emotionally draining, self obsessed person that I appear to be becoming, but how can I change myself?

((hugs)) it sounds like your daughter is simply showing signs of attention seeking - which is perfectly normal under the circumstances. Its really easy to make it about you and much harder not to. You need to tell yourself that she too has been through a divorce and is feeling a little out of sorts. How do you know that she doesn't do it at her dads? Is it because she or he tells you that? If your x says she doesn't it might just be that he wants you to think everything is perfect when she is with him, and if your daughter says she doesn't then its clear that she is finding the trips between two homes quite stressful - she loves her daddy but doesn't like leaving mummy - that too is perfectly normal behaviour under the circumstances. She is probably still trying to process what has happened.

With regards to the night problems you need to be practical. If there are monsters then you go in the room and tell them to go home because its bedtime and they aren't allowed in her room - in a nice loud confident voice, it normally works a treat. No point telling her they aren't there because clearly she thinks there is. Then make a point of looking and saying brightly - there - all gone! If she is scared then sit with her a while. A gentle but firm hand on her back in a quiet dark room will help to relax her (preferably with her back to you so she doesn't want to talk etc) don't speak to her just sit there for a few minutes or so. A small nightlight will help with the dark problems and a reassuring hug as you say goodnight and tell her you are just short distance away.

I know that you probably know this already but try not to project your thoughts onto hers. Often with children we think they are thinking something that we as adults think which is unrealistic. Just because you are feeling a certain way doesn't mean she will be feeling the same. Address her fears one by one calmly and firmly. Everything has a solution.

Then it sounds like you need to get a friend round and have a chat/cry with or to and stop being so hard on yourself. Hope it all calms down soon for you xx

Thank you so much. Your niceness made me sob again, really should sort the hormones/life generally out!!!
That is exactly the kind of talking I need :)
I have got myself in a muddle about monsters as I think she caught me at a bad time when she first brought them up so I just just said something as helpful as 'don't be silly, go to bed now'. I know how real it feels, I remember leaping into my bed from across the room every night up until at least being double figures, so dealing with her fears not dismissing them is a good plan.

Hello - how's it going with your little girl? I just wanted to add that my dd was 5 when I split with my ex. She was terrified of being away from me at first, even at home - she would follow me round the house. There was no chance of her being in her bedroom alone.
I just went with it, reassured her, cuddled her. I was obviously worried about it, but did put it down to what she was going through.
Now nearly a year later she is a different little girl. She spends loads of time playing happily in her room, occasionally has even put herself to bed and goes to sleep if I'm been tied up with DS. In fact, she really loves having her own space.
I would say give it time. Don't be too hard on yourself. I felt guilty too, and worried about the house/ split/ effects on her. But it all calmed down, and we feel really settled and happy here now.

Thank you so much for saying that ^
DD does follow me around still and hates going upstairs alone and also yells if she hears me unlocking or opening the door and she doesn't know why. She's so scared I'm going to leave her, it makes me so sad! Lots of reassurance and hugs do help you're so right, she will play for a while upstairs sometimes now, its just bedtime thats worrying her...
Thanks for posting, makes me feel more normal :)