Weekday access visits - how do you make it simple?!

[DoingItForMyself]

I'm new to this, STBXH only moved out last week and the DCs stayed at his for the first time last night. He works shifts, so can mainly only do weekday access as he works 6 weekends in 7.

X has now said that he can have them for 2 nights next week and that he wants to 'do his share'. Its frustrating for me to hear that suddenly he wants to be so involved with them, when he hasn't had time for them until now, but OK, if that's how he's playing it, fair enough.

However, DS (12) is very anxious about the implications of staying overnight in the week, the logistics of getting his homework done, not having his fave 'big-boy-toy' there (too expensive to have a duplicate), having to carry all his books for every subject every day in case he forgets one (his school is very hot on discipline & forgetting a book incurs a 'mark' against you), having to carry clothes back and forth (I've said that we can work round this by having clothes there).

When the Ex can only do weekday access, is it fair to make it just for the evening rather than a whole overnighter to make it simpler for the DCs? Will it sound like I'm trying to stop him spending time with them if I suggest it or should I get DS to broach it with X?

Any experience of this situation greatly received, thanks.

Any experience of this situation greatly received, thanks.

If you're all able to plan the days as much in advance as possible would you be able to alleviate his concerns, ie. having clothes sorted, knowing which books he needs, planning his homework. How close do you and his Dad live to each other? Is it feasible to pop back to the in case of emergencies if something has been forgotten?

If he's going for the evening it's still going to pose the problems associated with homework and missing his toy.

It sounds like with both of you being considerate it could work. It seems a shame that he only gets to stay with Dad once every 7 weeks.

The days aren't always regular, so there would be scope for extra 'sleepovers' in between sometimes and I hope that XH will use some holiday entitlement to book some weekends off which would help.

He does live quite close and I suppose as he still has keys he could always come and get their stuff if I'm not here, but that's crossing a bit of a line to me.

I don't want to make it harder for the DCs, but I also don't want XH presuming that I'll still be organising everyone's lives for them to facilitate his access when the main reason I made him leave was because he was a useless dad who didn't want to spend time with them and was abusive to me when I tried to make him see that it was important. Its hard to both be considerate when there's still so much anger towards him, but I know I have to get past that and do what is best for the DCs.

I've been fighting to make him spend time with them for years and now it seems that he finally is doing, but its making their lives more complicated and causing anxiety .

He doesn't have to go into your house, at 12 your son could manage couldn't he?

That's true. DS was talking about having his own key, so H doesn't even need to be involved (as long as i can trust DS to lock the door!)

My DS is 12 and has been doing one night a week at his dad's since we split when he was 4, along with his younger sister.
He has some toys, changes of cloths and a spare school uniform shirt at his dad's. His dad has to wipe clean trousers or school jumper if they're not clean, or wash and dry overnight. He does carry all his school books in his bag as he finds that easier than trying to remember what needs to go in when. We try and organise it so his PE kit doesn't need to go via his dad's though (by leaving it in his locker at school til the next night). It is quite a lot of oranising things to get used to - and 12 is an age where they've a lot of new organising things anyway due to starting secondary school so not surprised your DS is worrying about it a bit.

My DS doesn't have a computer there - which is a source of much complaining. His dad hasn't much money and doesn't aprove of him gaming so much, so this is not likely to change. I try and back up his dad's decision on it, and tell him that I only let him game as much as I do here because I know he gets a break from it at his dad's. This is usually met with a cross grunt from DS but he accepts that that's the way it is. He has recently spent all his money on an ipod touch though which he does take between houses as it's small.

He also has a key to each house and because we don't live too far away, he can let himself into either house to retrieve posessions he's left at the wrong house, or can collect things he needs on the way to school. I'm fine with this, and happy for him to let himself in and out even if I'm not in. I put some WD40 on the lock so it shuts easily so he can't easily fail to lock the door, and I have tied the keys onto his school bag so he can't lose them

I think it is hard to get away from organising everyone's lives for them - I've gradually pulled back from organising things for my ex, but having kids spend their time between two houses does add to the complexity of life, and someone needs to organise it all. In reality that's always going to be me, as neither of my DC or my ex are really going to do it. So I do contact ex to say that DD has been invited to party on his day, remind him that DS has school project to do, etc, etc. Not sure there's much getting away from that without letting the kids pay the price of ex's lack of organisastion or simply not knowing things because I'm the one who's more in touch with school, friends, etc.

On the plus side my ex was a rubbish dad particularly in the last year or two we spent together and never ever did anyting with the kids. I think it's much easier for rubbish dad's to be in denial about how rubbish they are when they're living with their kids. When they're separated they do realise they're going to have to make a bit more effort if they want to actually be a dad. My ex's relationship with DS improved imensely after he moved out, and he does now things with the kids which he never did before. So do try and get over your anger - I try and tell myself it's not about whether I have a right to be angry at him, but it's whether the anger is going to do me any good. It won't so best to let it go.

Thanks Purple, that's really helpful. DS has been very tearful tonight about how complicated its all getting so I'll let him know what you've said about how it can all work. He definitely seems happier with the idea of one night at a time, but doesn't want to upset his dad by suggesting it

What age does he usually go to bed? If you live close by then really he could still sleep at yours?

It's only 3.5 weeks til the end of term. Why don't you suggest to your ex that you do just one night a week for the next few weeks, and then he can do some longer spells over the summer with a view to being comfortable doing 2 nights in the autumn?

That was something I suggested Random , to keep it simpler they could go to dad's after school/for dinner then come home. DS seemed very keen on that idea and wanted to talk to XH about it, but then later he was upset again and said he wants to spend equal time with us both

It's just killing me to hear that, knowing the awful things H has said about him in the past - that he's the only person who's ever made him want to hit them, that he can never see himself having a good relationship with him, he's called him a retard (he's actually super bright) and been so critical of every little thing DS does.

I know these things are said in the heat of the moment, but it really hurts me to think that DS is still trying so hard to please him and I know it will end in tears when the novelty wears off or XH gets fed up of them all being around and needing him. The main reason I told him to leave was because he said that being asked to join in with family stuff with the DCs made him feel angry. Now he's suddenly fine about them as he says he doesn't have '101 other things' stressing him out.

That's a good plan actually purple. The DCs were up til 9.30 at XH's last night, and are all so tired today that DD went up to her bed at about 5pm, slept through dinner and hasn't woken up yet. I tried but she kept mumbling and falling back to sleep, so who knows what time she'll wake up! I'll use that as a way to ease things in a bit more gently til the holidays.

I'm just panicking as H booked 2 weeks off in the hols in anticipation of a family holiday (even though he has previously said that he can't see the point of holidays - what's in it for him? ) and the idea of him taking them away somewhere fills me with dread. I'll barely have enough to live on but I know he'll manage to find enough to take them out and treat them and make their holiday so memorable, even though previously he couldn't even be bothered to take them to the park for half an hour.

Sorry I'm still really bitter...

You have to look at holiday from dc point of view that it is a positive outcome of mum and dad splitting up if dad becomes a better dad.....