What did you tell your child about their absent father?

[GetToFalkirk]

Posting on behalf of a family member.
My sil is a lone parent and has been since getting pregnant. The father feigned interest in her daughter for while, but on the hole is really not there for them. He has a child from a previous relationship who he sees every other weekend and has another child on the way with another girlfriend.
SIL has given him an ultimatum that he either commits to seeing her dd (who is now 2 1/2) on a regular basis or he has nothing to do with her. He constantly lets them down and never initiates contact. He has previously not seen her for a 7 month stint.
If he no longer wants to see her, then what should mum tell her daughter? She already thinks that daddy doesn't lover her. Will she forget him in the long run?
Thanks

There is a massive back story with my DS's knobhead dad that he will discover the full extent of when he is old enough (probably about 12, he is six now). I have always answered his questions honestly, but very much bearing in mind his age and what he is able to emotionally handle. I don't want any big shocks to upset him when he is a teen and at a vulnerable age for going off the rails, but neither do I want him burdened with information that is too much for him to cope with at a young age. I have also been very careful to be factual but not actually give my own extremely negative opinion of his dad. I don't want to "poison" him, I want to enable him to make up his own mind when he's older. It's extremely difficult and a very careful balancing act that I'm constantly revising in my head. it's a huge learning curve.

It's a tough one, I'm going through this with my kids at the moment. Long story which I won't bore you with. I am very careful not to make negative comments about Dad, when my parents split, Mum was always making derogatory remarks about Dad and I found it upsetting, therefore won't do it to my own children. In fact it pushed me towards Dad until I found out for myself what he was really like.
I don't believe children forget the absent parent, mine ask questions from time to time which I try to answer best I can. One thing I will always tell them is that it's not their fault Dad doesn't want to see them. A child should never have to feel guilty or believe they have caused the situation. My dd is 2 & 1/2 and she has never said anything to me about him, maybe because contact was inconsistent and she never really got to know her Dad, whereas the older children do talk about him.

I agree with the other advice. The dc's don't forget, which is primarily down to other dc asking where the dad is so school age would be a time to have answers prepared.

Be honest but emotionally neutral, ie "where's my dad" could be met with "I'm not sure" etc.

With mine we talked about being a child with no dad around rather than what dad did. He still found it hard as had contact with his estranged dads family.

Difficult situation for your friend to be in but asking the dc how they feel is good.

I agree not to make negative comments when talking to DD about her dad. When she asks where he is, although i do know, i just say he lives in a flat & is in a busy job in a busy city. Other questions asked have been:

When will i see him?
Does he want to see me?
What does he look like?
Do i look like him?
Do i sound like him?
Do i laugh like him?
Will he get me birthday/xmas presents?
Whats his name?
How old is he?
& the more recent & difficult one: Why isnt he here with us like dads should be? Its that last one that hurts me a lot. DD seems to think in order to have children you have to be married to the dad or mummy & daddy have to love eachother.

It is hard to know what to do for best.

My dd was nearly 4 when ex left, and she misses him dreadfully. I just answer that he lives in another country and answer 'don't know' to any other question - because I honestly don't know.

It is heartbreaking when they ask these questions. The older they get the more inqusitive they get, all you can do is be there to support them.

DD is well aware her father has left her, she even made me a father's day card....I was touched. She appears to be a happy little girl in the new life I have created for her and myself.

How a parent can abandon a child is beyond me, but it seems to happen all too often.

newhorizon - it baffles me too how a parent can walk away. I can understand if its being made difficult by the other parent but when given the oppertunity why not take it?

They must have a way of rationalising it in their own heads. I really don't see how you can justify walking out on the emotional, physical and financial needs of your own child. It's just pure selfish.

No doubt when my dd is older she will track her father down (we're still in contact with his family) and then he will have to answer all the questions you couldn't.

I - not you

Fathers day is so hard but we do sons day instead and at school my ds made me a fathers day card instead as he said I was doing the dad bit too.

I also answered a lot of questions with I don't know as I didn't know but things like christmas presents I said he probably wouldn't and gave him a special christmas shopping day to get a special present from ds to ds.

There has been a lot of tears of his absent father which is heartbreaking but I just promised I would always be there for and never leave

My ds did track down his father and his father denied he was his son. Ds, after a lot of tears just said he didn't need people like that in his life and he had a mum and dad in me.

I could have killed his father though, what made him do that is beyond me and I'm so ashamed of myself for having fallen in love with such a nasty man.

I feel blessed that while my DS is only 6 he just isn't interested in his father. He has asked an odd question in a matter of fact way and I agree with Luciemay in what she says.
I told him facts and whilst I agree not to run an ex down (not that my ex would follow that train of thought), I am being honest as my DS also needs to know that it isn't acceptable what his father has done (doesn't pay either) as I don't want my DS to do the same when he is older thinking it's ok - I often worry the PC approach can sometimes do that!!
I am glad I told the truth as he has popped up recently but only in an attempt to stop the CSA. I have been so proud of how my DS has dealt with it - even though upsetting for him which I will never forgive my ex for.
I never rule anything out though - people can put things right.. I wish my ex would for my son's sake.