DS doesn't want to go to his dads

[ChooChooLaverne]

DS (4) spends every other weekend at his dads and has been doing so for the past year. He has become really clingy with me in the last few months and is quite jealous of any friends/family members I'm talking to after seemingly coping very well with our separation initially and seems to be struggling with the arrangement at the moment.

He always seems happy to see his dad when he comes to pick him up but he has no interest in talking to him on the phone or on Skype in between his visits and on the day he's due to go there he tells me he doesn't want to go. Ex has told me that DS doesn't really talk to him when he's there (this is a new development) and he occasionally says to me things like he doesn't really like daddy. I don't know if he really means this or not. He also has stopped talking to some of my friends/family when they come round to see us.

He's started playing me up quite a lot and has quite bad tantrums at times. I'm guessing that he's struggling with how he feels about us splitting up and this is his feelings coming out.

He's happy to go to nursery and is happy playing with his friends.

Has anyone got any ideas for how I can help him cope with it?

I have a 4 and a 7 year old who often tell me they don't want to go to their dad's. I tell them when they are older they can choose, but at the moment they are too young to make that decision for themselves.

Any idea what he doesn't like about his dad's house/their dad? Could he be bored?

I'm not sure what he doesn't like - I think it might be just that he wants to be with me all the time! I don't know how much is because he doesn't want to leave me or how much is because he doesn't want to be with his dad.

Have you asked him?

Yes, he just says he doesn't want to go or he doesn't like daddy.

My DS went through a phase very like that when he was 4, a few months after we split. I think the main problem was that he wasn't very comfortable at his dad's house (he was in a shared house at the time). My ex was also being a bit rubbish at the time about doing much with him. He got better with time. I think the best thing you can do is to say to your DS that he has to go, just like he has to go to school on days when he doesn't feel like it (or he soon will, anyway!) but try to find out what his dad could do to make him happier there. Is there any toy or DVD or anything he could take with him? Or could you help his dad fix up a play date for him there?

My DS also needed a bit of reassurance that it was OK to be closer to one parent than the other and OK to miss the one you're closer to a bit when you're with the other one.

My DS is 12 now, and has a good relationship with his dad. I'm glad I did push through the phase when he wasn't keen to go.

On the one hand , some of it sounds par for the course . My dd who's 3.5 stays with me alt w/e . She is v happy and content here but will still occassionally tell her mum she doesn't want to come to daddies.

I'd worry about it if she didn't also say she doesn't want to go to mummies when we are getting ready to head back.

I don't skype or phone between visits, dd doesn't seem that interested. I'd imagine when she's older it'll be more common.

Dd also ( it's almost a running joke now ) says ' I love you this much daddy' as she pinches two fingers together and grins.

I think it can be an issue if dc are having to leave the one they spend most time with. Especially if they feel some sense of loyalty.

My dd gets jealous if me and her mum are talking, or a friend is talking to me or her mum simply because as a child of a split family she's used to having our individual attention focused on her which wouldn't happen if me and her mum were together.

But not talking to dad ? That'd worry me. I can brush off difficult hand overs and her saying she loves me a tiny amount because I know she's v happy with me which is what counts.

Do you get on with your XP ? Is he a good dad ? Is his home ok ? Does he do stuff with dc ( drawing, games, trips out, nightime parenting etc ) ?

I think the question I'd be asking is what has changed recently to trigger this ?

I think that Skyps/phoning is just boring for kids at that age so i would talk to your Ex and try to agree to leave that for now so that DS doesn't feel any pressure.

Are you happy enough that he's being well looked after ? no concerns about him being bored, ignored etc ? If you are content that all is okay from that point of view, i think you just have to do all you can to build up his visits to daddy, make them into a bit of an adventure, encourage him to take extra toys etc and suggest to your ex that he does the same.

It's hard when the temptation is just to scoop them up and keep them with you [sad[

Thanks for your responses - sorry it's taken me a while to come back.

MrGin - as far as I know he doesn't say anything about not wanting to see me when he's coming back to me from his dads. In fact XP said that he spends a lot of time asking for me when he's there. It's the fact he's not talking to his dad that is worrying. But he's started doing this to some other people he's previously been close to such as one of his aunts.

XP moved a few months ago and I wonder if that change is what has triggered this.

Is he a good dad? Well, he can be but he is inconsistent depending on his mood. He can be patient, kind and thoughtful and he seems to be making an effort arranging different things for DS to do when he visits him but he can also be grumpy and selfish. I am hoping that he is being looked after when he is there but I can't be 100% sure, which I suppose is why I posted here as it is a concern at the back of my mind.

Unfortunately DS has witnessed XP getting cross with me on occasion when he comes to pick him up and I don't think that can help him feel comfortable at the start of his weekend with him.

I guess I should keep trying to encourage their relationship as much as possible and just keep an eye on DS in case there is anything in particular that is worrying him.

Tbh I'd imagine most mums worry about their dc's welfare when at dads... I just mean I think it's natural, not that you don't have genuine concerns.

I think dad getting cross at you infront of dc is a big no-no ( obviosly ! ) and you should make it chrystal clear it can't happen.. any issues should talked about well away from dc. Again you may well have said this to XP and he ignores it.....

I'd think dad moving may well be at the heart of this....

..... < says random bloke off Internet >

good luck

Thanks MrGin. I hope you're right.

Yes, I have told XP (again and again) that he can't talk to me that way. And he apologises... until the next time. Guess why I'm not with him any more!

My fear of course is that he might start doing this to DS. DS hasn't said anything to this effect but he's only 4.

I think one answer to not having your ex shout at you in front of DS is, if you can predict an issue he might shout about, don't bring it up when you are there to pick him up, but phone your ex about it in the evening out of earshot of DS. Or email him - me and my ex have sorted most fraught issues out by email in the last few years. Best if he doesn't shout at all of course, but if you need to tell him something he's likely to shout about, better he does it where DS can't hear him (or better still at the computer, where you can't hear him either :))

Thanks for the tips.

I do put stuff in emails that I know he might react to (ie everything). I like to have stuff in writing anyway. He will never respond by email and will phone me up and rant or talk reasonably depending on his mood, or will ignore it.

The shouting isn't generally a reaction to me saying anything - it's like he festers about whatever his latest perceived hardship is and saves it up until he sees me then finds it hard to contain himself because he's had 2 weeks to get enraged about it. At the moment I think it's mostly jealousy because he perceives that DS likes me better (that sounds so childish written down!) and he would like to blame me for that rather than look at what he could do to help DS.

Every time he does it I thank God we're no longer together. But I feel so sad for DS.