what do you wish your friends in relationships knew about being a lone parent?

[Whenthetoadcamehome]

I have a very lovely friend whose relationship is sadly over. She will now be a lone parent, and whist I have some experience of this (my mum was a lone parent for a while before remarrying) it was from the wrong perspective. What I really want to be able to do of course is make it all alright for her, but I can't. S I was wondering if there is anything I can look out for or make sure I do or don't to in order to best support her.

She likes to give the impression that she is fine and copng, but members of her family have told me that's not the case and I really want to be a good friend and look out for her, so any suggestions would be gratefully received!

Its VERY lonely. In the evenings, you can't get out of your house, but you still need social stimulation. Call her often, and drop round when you can. Plan evenings out, and really properly be there for her - don't forget about her if she doesn't contact you for a week or so.

mouse said it all. I'm a lone parent and the evenings are the worse once my sons in bed.

That the upkeep of a house and car is bloody hard work on your own! That it would be great to have someone to help me do a bit of DIY occasionally, but I realise that's a really big ask for most people.

Do you know her other friends? If so arrange with them a night out and go round and babysit.

Turn up on a weekend and take the kids out for the day so she can have some me time. Make it somewhere the kid want to go but not make her feel guilty for not being able to take them. Insist she does not come and give her a bottle of wine.

Cook her dinner, make her a cuppa. I missed being made a cup of tea. Play wiht her child so she does not have to.

Make her feel welcome in her house with her child and make them stay and then when her kiddie wakes up take over the care so she can have a lie in. I miss lie ins with a cuppa and magazine. buy her magazine and give her your old magazines..i can no longer afford them but when I do get them I pass them onto my other lone parent friend so we can both enjoy them.

drag her out. drag her out. drag her out.

in your house that is meant to say lol

You sound like a really lovely precious friend to have, you friend is really lucky.
I second all of the above.
But also, and if you will go that far and mean it, and if she has no immediate, close support, make sure she knows that should she be in trouble you would be there for her child.
When you are a single parent, your worst nightmare is what would happen to your child should you be suddenly (accident, violent illness) unable to look after them, before the other parent, or grandparents were able to take over.
When you think of it, this is when you feel the most lonely and scared as a single parent.

Well for me, I would say if she is moaning telling you about something that she is finding hard as a single parent don't dismiss it by saying something like "Oh, I'm the same" because it probably isn't the same, even if you are trying to make her feel better.

But you sound great and you are welcome to be my friend anytime you want

It is really lonely, and if you are not working the days are lacking in adult conversation (that doesn't revolve around children), the evenings are very quiet (even if it is bliss no longer having the stress!!). I miss having an adult to chat to, I miss being able to get out of the house in the evenings without paying for an expensive babysitter - even for an hour to do some food shopping, I really really really miss hugs/contact from adults.

Someone to listen to me no matter how repetitive the conversation (recently spilt so even I admit it is pretty tedious, but it is so good to off-load), someone to tell me about their life/day! I would love it if friends would pop around in the evening and we could share dinner together or a cup of tea, and not just once or twice when invited, but proactively as well, even if it was for half an hour very occasionally. Or call and just make sure I haven't been eaten by wolves.

I have found that friends were really great when they found out about the split and absolutely fab for a month or so, and now I have fallen under the radar and they have continued with their lives. But, for me the cost of always calling them is a bit prohibitive.

How miserable it usually is! I work so miss out on friends, toddler groups and school gate chats due to having to rush off all the time. It means I have no support network or decent adult conversation. I can't go out as I don't really have anyone to babysit on a regular basis and can't afford babysitters anymore.

It was easy when I was on maternity leave and I saw people every day but 3 years on it is constantly getting harder and more stressful.

Evenings are a killer, especially if the dc's are running riot and I don't get to eat until 9pm. Weekends are tough too as it's time to catch up and try and get on top of things.

Can you tell we're having a bad year!

Evenings are awful, sat about on my own whilst dd sleeps. I have no support network. All my friends are coupled up so don't invite me anywhere and ex has very little involvement with dd. 3 years down the line it gets no easier to deal with being lonely. I miss someone cooking for me, making me a cup of tea and just having someone to chat to. I have no social life so its very isolating. I work part time but most of my work colleagues are students so don't have any friends there. My closest mate is married and happy with 2 dd's so don't see her that much as she is busy....ah it will get better apparently!

It's not all bad! Maybe I'm lucky in that I like pottering about on my own, so I find the evenings really peaceful!

Make sure you have everything you need in, foodwise - you need to be organised, because you can't just pop out for something you've forgotten. Ditto all the children's medicines - make sure she's stocked up at all times.

Tell her to be proactive about making some arrangements for the days or weekends, like meeting up with another mum in the park, because the weekends can seem really long at first!

For me, it's been really important to know I have one or two good friends who I can rely on to help me out in an emergency (e.g. middle of the night severe illness - one friend came round immediately at half 1 at night and stayed here with DD while I took DS to hospital - just having a friend's support made the whole situation less scary) Knowing I can call and get help is a real weight off my mind - so if you can, tell her she can call you if she needed and keep your mobile near you every night. (And get her to pin her out of hours doctor's number on the fridge or add it to her phone)

Try to work out an amicable routine with the child's dad if that's possible, including contact, as aside from her child benefitting from that, it will mean she gets a break too.

It's obviously hard work when everything is down to you. I would say not to try too hard to make everything seem wonderful for her little one, or get anxious about the stress when you first split, it's very hard at first - you do settle into a calmer routine as the months go by, and everything does settle down and get MUCH easier.

What I think is really nice is not to exclude her because she's single. That happens a lot.

Also weekends can be really shit and lonely (I don't mind the evenings personally) so inviting her out with you and your family sometimes is great. That's the time everyone's doing 'family' things and you do feel like a bit of a social leper at times

You sound like a fab friend :)

Keep inviting her out even if she inevitably can't make it a lot.

Invite yourself round to hers with a bottle of wine and a dvd of an evening

If her children aren't seeing much of their Dad try and include them in some family stuff

When I first became single I didn't drive/have a car and just some everyday stuff - buying garden stuff, trips to the dump etc were a logistical nightmare.

Oh doing things at the weekend with you and your family would be such a nice thing to do. I find going out with DD on my own at weekends is horrible as I can just see happy families around me and it's depressing. It really isn't so bad if you are with friends - even if they are a happy family as they are your friends.

Also a 'not to do'. I find it a bit insensitive of my friends who are married who have a moan about their husbands being useless (when I know that they really aren't). Maybe it's because I'm newly seperated but i just think 'stop moaning cause at least you're not on your own which is far worse!'

What a lovely, caring friend you sound . I echo what most of the other posters have said. Offer to have the DC to let her do some things. I desperately need to get my hair coloured, but it is a nightmare trying to arrange with work and school pick up, etc. Would be great if a friend offered to pick up from school one day, to let me get hair done. Maybe offer something like that.

If you're popping round to see her, ring her first and ask if she needs anything like milk, bread, etc, that she may not have had a chance to get out and buy.

And I see that many others share my particular "wish", which was someone to make me a cup of tea. That would be a nice thing to do.

I probably can't add anything to what's already been said (worst bits for me are weekends) but I just wanted to say she's a very lucky person to have a friend like you

"When I first became single I didn't drive/have a car and just some everyday stuff - buying garden stuff, trips to the dump etc were a logistical nightmare."

YES! ExP has taken the car and I don't drive anyway so I'm feeling a bit stranded. I had to drag a shopping trolley (old lady style thing) full of bottles to the bottle bank today. And then drag a (far too small) bag of compost bag again. If you were doing a trip to the tip/garden centre/Ikea etc it might be nice to check if she needs anything (if applicable, of course)

On a less practical note, as others have said, evenings can be tough. I'm really lucky as my mum lives close by and comes round once or twice a week for food, wine and chat, or maybe a film. It's really good to have that kind of company in the evening, just someone to chat about your day with, and to have someone to cook for, so I don't end up just eating toast again...

yes to helping with Ikea / big supermarket / tip trips! I have a car but doing Ikea with young children at weekends needs military operation level planning. It's a pain when you want to get organised but can't get there or take the child seats out to make room for everthing.

And (totally random thing here but it always bugs me) if she needs to have a clear out and make some cash then offer to help with the kids if she does a weekend car boot sale. I have boxes heaving with £££ stuff to be sold but can't do a car boot sale until I find someone to have the kids for me on a sunny day. Such a PITA as we need the space cleared and the money but it's all in limbo for the time being. I did manage one 3 years ago, it was very cathartic selling XP's old stuff for a few quid . Now all the baby stuff needs to go.

daffydowndilly so true. remember she is still on her own even after she is over the initial couple of months. I feel I just dropped off people's radars as they got on with their lives, they were great at first, gave me loads of support which I'm incredibly grateful for, but I STILL can't get out in the evenings and feel isolated as my circumstances haven't really changed. People seem to forget that you still need them, and that is incredibly depressing. :(

Sorry to not have replied sooner, been away all weekend! Thank you all so much for coming and sharing your experiences and advice. I'm taking it all on board and will put it into practice over the coming weeks and months.
Thank you again! Toad.

One of my friends always tells me how lucky I am not having a man around then in the next breath calls her husband to get him to start dinner/get some shopping/pick the dc up or to discuss the dc and make a decision about something. It drives me mad, its kike she is trying to make me feel better without showing any real understanding of the situation. She doesn't seem to realise at all that all those little things her dh does i have to do myself, that I have to make all the decisions myself, that i dont have anyone who gives a shit about the cute thing my dc did, that if we're late home my dinner won't be waiting for me and i'll have to make it whilst juggling overtired hungry children, then get them into bed and then wash up etc because there's noone to do one while I do the other...

The rest of the time it's fine but her telling me I'm lucky and have it easy really grates. Just don't be like her

I am not a single parent but I do have friends who are. One who has been alone for a while and one who is fairly new to it all. I consider myself a good friend and do all of the things listed above and more.

However, I too work 40+ hours a week, as does my husband. I have two pre teen boys who have a massive social/sporting life that takes up time, plus all their homeworks etc and my elderly MIL lives next door so we can care for her too. Sometimes time passes so fast that you don't realise you haven't seen suchabody for a week and I (even as part of a couple) haven't had two minutes for myself let alone to think about another person.

You have to be proactive too! If you, as single parent, need help then you have to say so. There is no point sitting alone thinking that everyone has forgotton about you when in reality the majority of us - whatever our relationships - are just up to our eyes in something or other. There are plenty of couples where one parent is going it alone for whatever reason - forces families, shift workers etc etc. My friends text me and say "if you are going to the shop could you....." I always do (even if I wasn't going) and am glad too but just because I didn't think of it first doesn't mean I care any less about them or their lives.

The sad fact is that I will always care for my friends and help them in any way I can, but I can't make them dependant on me because what happens if I weren't there? I would say that the biggest favour you can do for your friend is help them build a social network that she can call on and help her build some independance.

Knowing that there is someone who can help out if a child is ill in the night, or needs picking up from school in an emergency is a god send. She's lucky to have you

As a single mum I just had to say you sound like a really good friend and where can I find mates like you please? ; 0 )

NoKids, good points. She already has a good social network so no worries here. the biggest problem here is not going to be making sure she is not dependant but actually ever getting her to admit she needs any help! She is a very, very private person and I want to respect that whilst Alsp making sure she gets the support she will surely need.

My Mum made some choices for herself as a lone parent that cost her dearly, had she had a decent support network this wouldn't have happened. I guess I'm subconsciously trying to make sure history doesn't repeat itself... so not hugely altruistic.