Should soon to be ex-H stay over with us on visits?

[summerinthesun]

Hi moms,

This is my first posting in lone parents as just filed for divorce on Tuesday. Having a stressful time as you can imagine. Mainly down to money, as I realised despite the great new job I just got. To pay for a really horrible grotty one-bed flat in London will cost £1000 absolute minimum, and DD's nuresery will cost around £1300. So already £2300 is more than my monthly salary.

Anyway I am going to try and stay with my sister for 6 months (In her flat which her family of 4 is already squeezed into). My ex-H currently works abroad and has managed to arrange 1 day a week in the London office so he can see us more easily. He has asked if he will be allowed to stay over. I am going to have to say no because there is already not enough room in my sister's flat. Plus they don't like him because he has treated me really badly, plus been harassing them with phone calls and emails.

The only thing is if he stays with a friend, that will be staying out of town, so he will basically not see us at all, so it defeats the point of working in London one day a week.

I'm just asking if any of you ever let your ex stay over when he needs to see the children, or if it is just asking for trouble.

cheers

Why can't his company pay for him to stay in a hotel if he is working in the London office. You can not ask your sister to accommodate him, she is already doing you a favour to help, particularly if their relationship (your sister & your XH) is already strained through his behaviour.

I have not reached the stage yet where my X has stayed over. He has asked to, and I have said no. I would find it incredibly difficult emotionally, it blurs boundaries, and when he visits I find there are parenting clashes or that he brings up inappropriate topics. So my thoughts are it is asking for trouble, also what is to stop him continuing to treat you badly if he is given this free pass. Although awfully convenient for the man, free accommodation, free food, part time family, and back to single life afterwards - altogether win-win.

Hi _ I'm also going through a divorce after a very short and unexpected separation - while everyone is different, I think it's a stupid thing for him to ask you to do/ even if you had your own place - it needs to be entirely your space - would he be leaving his toothbrush etc?
would really stretch my tolerance if my sister asked me this when space an issue as lack of space alone leads to clashes!
entirely agree with other repoly - sure if he can ararange to work in city he can stay in city - thetre are cheap hotels - very basic but clean - also some people rent rooms on part timebasis.
Think he's a selfish inconsiderate arse to even suggest it. sorry.

clearly no because a there is no room and b your sister has final say on who stays in her house!

and c - presumably you seprated for good reason so confusing for dc to see you back togethre again so soon (in their eyes) - once long amount of time gone by and if you get on really well -well maybe.

if he coming via work then work can pay his hotel.

and if you ar enilondon then even if he stayin gout fo town they have trains/buses right?

When i was going thru my divorce my lawyer told me to never let my ex stay over as it might confuse the children.

Why do u say us when u two are divorcing. Shouldnt it be the children he spends time with?

And thirdly there doesnt seem to be much room for u at ur sisters so i doubt there will be room for him.

Ok, his company is not going to pay him any extras to enable him to keep contact with his children. Don't even go there. However, you are not expected to provide acommodation during the visits either. If you had an amicable split that may be possible but not in a difficult one. You will be having separate lives from now on and that also means you are not responsible for sorting things for him anymore, unless you feel comfortable with that.

I frankly think that is not fair on you or your sisted to have to provide a place for the ex, especially if the flat is already over crowded and he has not been nice to them in the past.

Please, please, please apply for tax credits, you can get a lot of help to pay for nursery costs, etc. If you are a single parent of young children AND working more than 16 hours a week you should be entitled to extra help you wouldn't have access to if you weren't working, this could be quite substantial and help you out through this difficult time. There is a calculator in entitedto.org.uk that may help you get an estimate of how much you would get. Please note that it may takes months for the payments to start so it is important that you apply as soon as possible.

£1000 per month for a 1 bed? Find a 2 bed in a cheaper area, apply for tax credits so you can get help with childcare fees.

LiVing with your sister doesn't sound like a workable idea tbh.

Once you get yourself your own place DO NOT EVER let your EX stay over and ideally his time with your DD should take place away from your home and certainly without you present.

I think you're in a tough situation, but at the end of the day it is you ex's responsibility to find a way of spending time with your DD. It's your job to make sure she' available for contact, but no more. You really can't ask your sister to put him up anyway, and I don't think it would be a good idea for him to stay. It may confuse your DD (esp if she's been used to her dad being away on business and just coming home ocassionally, so it wouldn't be much different) and it may also confuse you too. You talk about coming to see "us" which suggests to me that you've not quite got your head around the nature of the relationship in the future yet - all the more reason not to have him staying over.

Does your ex really have no base in this country? Can he not make his one day a week in London a Friday or a Monday, and then take your DD off somewhere for the weekend (eg his parents, a friend's or a B&B)?

You can claim tax credtis even if you're living at your sister's. If you're taking home around £2000 a month (I'm guessing from what you've said about costs and great new job) you won't get much for living expenses with just one child, but you should get 70% of her childcare costs, up to some maximum weekly amount (can't remember what this is - about £200/week I think) so that could make a big difference to your finances.

Thanks folks, that's cleared things up. I suppose I just felt bad about it all, as he is against the split, and I suppose I felt I wanted to be as helpful as possible.

Yes I've started looking into those tax credits, so hopefully that will help. I've got an interview with them in 2 weeks to confirm my identity as I've been living abroad, then after that I can fill in the forms and claim, so may be a wee while till the money comes through.

Yes he will pay me maintenance, but because everything is up in the air at the moment, I don't want to be in a position where I rely on his maintenance to survive. Because he might not pay it one month and leave me stuck.

Yes I think he would continue to treat me badly if he stayed over if I had my own place so I'll totally rule that out.

Poor DD is confused and unsettled already, so I will need to get a regular routine going soon so things settle down for her.

In terms of my ex taking DD off somewhere, we are worried he could try and take her abroad with him, or take her away to scare me, so the lawyer has advised that I am there on all visits for the time being. Plus she is only 1yo so still a baby really.

I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot more from me over the coming months!!

I don't want to be in a position where I rely on his maintenance to survive. Because he might not pay it one month and leave me stuck

CSA! If you think he will muck you about get them involved and they can deduct payments at source ie from his wages before he gets them!

Hope it all goes well with tax credits etc

Keep posting here as there are lots of very helpful and supportive people here (smile)

No, I would not let him stay over whether in your own home or in your sister's. There is always B&B, friends, Travelodge, company accommodation.

When I first separated I did this a few times and I loathed it and it confused the situation. The only person who thought it was perfectly reasonable was exH!

Make sure you back date your tax credit claim to the point of separation. There is a tax credit calculator that should give you a good idea how much you will receive.
Also if you pay council tax and are the only adult in your home, you get a reduction.

Tax credits used to back-date months, but now I understand they have stopped going back so far, so do get your application in asap, as it can take a while to process and they'll want tonnes of paperwork from you.

If you're worried about him taking her abroad, make sure you have hold of her passport and don't let him have it. He can't take her abroad without it.

CSA won't be much help, they will find it difficult to sort the stuff out if he doesn't work in the country. Honestly, that shouldn't be the case but it is all the same.

With regards to taking her your child abroad, if you have agreed on a pattern of contact, kindly ask for this to be formalised by court (court order by agreement), if you don't ask for any changes this shouldn't be a source of problems. Having a court order or an ongoing process for care of children arrangements, is the best way to protect yourself if he decides to take the girl away. Without an order, there's hardly anything either of you can do if the other parent moves abroad with the kid.

CSA won't be much help, they will find it difficult to sort the stuff out if he doesn't work in the country. Honestly, that shouldn't be the case but it is all the same

Depends, if he works for a UK company it will be fine.

Summerinthesun. If you are worried about contact and him taking ur child then you could consider a contact centre. That way he gets to spend the time alone with his child and you can get a few hours to yourself.

"If you are worried about contact and him taking ur child then you could consider a contact centre. That way he gets to spend the time alone with his child and you can get a few hours to yourself.'

Or apply for contact to be formalised with a court order, even if it is a court order by agreement. Frankly, without it, you are unprotected. I suspect that being so young the child doesn't have a passport yet, if so, be aware that your ex can apply for the passport without letting you know.

@AKE1021

Just bear with me whilst I move away from the original post.

?When i was going thru my divorce my lawyer told me to never let my ex stay over as it might confuse the children.?

What gave lawyers the right to hold the moral ground and provide advice that is outside there remit? They are there to interpret the law and ultimately are an officer of the Court. Will people not learn that in the round they are parasites seeking there £200 per hour and were one to offer me such advice I would remind him/her of who is paying the bill. The extent of his/her responsibilities and finally even lawyers get divorce.

RANT OVER

@amans my lawyers advice was quite welcomed by me. He is a very great lawyer who has seen a lot of divorce and knew how it affected children. He is a family lawyer so i would say he would know what hes talking about when it comes to contact/visitation.
If i hadnt listened to him my child would have always thought that there was a chance that me n my ex would get back together.
When my ex comes to visit he stays at a hotel and takes my daughter out for the day. That is much clearer to my child.

If there is not chance of the couple getting back together why confuse the children.

The advice worked for me but i do realise that it may not work for other people.

AKE2012: You missed the point completely. [Shakes head in disbelief]

Amans, that advice is also given by separated families associations, relate and child pstchologists. Admittedly, I know someone who allows her ex to stay at home when he visits from abroad but, in their case there were no issues of aggression in the background.

I know also a man who does the bed time routine at his ex house when he retuens him after contact. The poor child has been crying himself to sleep for 3 years, simply put the moment dad tries to leave the room, child starts sobbing asking him not to go. I am totallt convinced that this wouldn't be happening if he said good bye with a kiss at the door.

@amans wat point did i miss??

@AKE2012.....all of it should you have to ask the question. Off out but will post a detail response in the morning.