Advice on awful dad

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Hi there. I am posting on behalf of a friend. She has a 4 yr old DS and shares contact with her EXP half the week. He doesn't seem interested in looking after their DS, preferring to palm him off onto his parents (who he still lives with).

He slept all day while DS amused himself as everyone was out. DS is not given lunch just packed full of sweets, goes to bed with his dad whenever he feels like it. Is made to have a nap in the afternoon but other than that has no routine. He comes back to my friend with awful behaviour and it takes her the rest of the week to 'retrain' him, then he is off to EXP again.

EXP is always searching for an argument and even though my friend sat down with him and agreed a written list of rules, these are not adhered to.

DS came back today with two full packs of sweets in his rucksack. He is given minimum one full pack a day whilst with EXP.

How can she change this without stopping contact?

She can't. Maybe there are things he would like to change about what your friend does in her time. She can't control it and she can't stop contact either.

They both agreed on the rules though. And surely leaving a four year old unsupervised is not wise. I appreciate your response but could there be any other way of getting through to him that the rules and routine are for the benefit of their DS?

She could try talking to him again. Left him alone? No grandparents around?

The talks are all fine at the time. Everything is agreed to. However the situation always remains the same. And, yes EXP asleep,GPs out, DS playing on own.

It does amaze me how people know exactly what is going on at someone else's house when they are not there?

How do they find out all these details?

From DS who volunteered the info and said where gps had gone.

If he wont listen and continues to leave 4 year old while he sleeps then maybe stop contact and let him take your friend to court.....its a hard one!

Maybe keep a diary of events

Thank you Dee03 that is a great suggestion. My friend doesn't think EXP would bother with court.

I have no experience of this (thankfully) as I am lucky enough to have a great relationship with my DD's dad and his lovely wife.

Thanks to all who posted.

Four-year-olds aren't really the most reliable of witnesses though are they?

Thing is though 4yo aren't exactly reliable sources of info. My SD hadn't stayed with us for two weeks recently, and when I asked on a Sunday when the last time was she'd stay over,she said Friday! Its very hard to rely on a Childs word like that.

I'd be curious as to whether they actually sat down and thrashed out a list of rules, or if, effectively, he was told by the mum what the rules were, so to speak.

Its so hard only having one side of the story, and so easy to judge a one side from the other, we are certainly guilty of it, and the stuff DHs ex has told us SD has said about us is often downright lies.

The two of them discussed what they both thought was appropriate things like what time DS should be in bed, discipline and eating habits. I know both of them and he really doesn't seem bothered and considers it a 'favour' to my friend that he has him.

You are correct though with the four year old not being the most accurate of witnesses. I must admit I had not considered that in full. I'm going to advise my friend not to quiz DS as I think he may be saying what he thinks she wants to hear. However he is a lovely little boy and is usually very honest.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Fair enough if they've both discussed and agreed, then he should be sticking to it. perhaps it could be reviewed (maybe using an 'as he grows' type excuse?). I think we're being sent instructions on how to look after SD but since her mum won't communicate directly lol, who knows?

we've been told alot if 'what goes on here' by SDs mum and tbh, its been totally unrecognisable to us, is all I'm saying there. Don't forget five minutes (or less even)can be a lifetime ago a little kid, we've had cases of abandonment over how long I'm gone while I'm on the loo!

Don't get me wrong please, I'm not really a wicked stepmum, SD is very honest, and a lovely kid who I have an awful lot of time for and trust completely, its just at that age, things get mixed up and forgotten. Sometimes she just says the first thing that comes into her head, no matter how wild or crazy it sounds to adult ears! She's told DHs mum she's only had sweets all day before, in front of me, who had cooked her breakfast to her own specs before lol!

I dont know that there is much she can do but stopping contact is a huge no no. It absolutely infringes this child's right to a relationship with his father.

If her ex considers it a favour to have him, and you say he wouldn't bother with court, why don't you suggest to your friend that she simply suggests a different pattern to DS's care where doesn't spend so much time with is dad. No reason to stop contact, just suggest that in her case her DS would be better off with one main home and primary carer where he spends most of his time, and then goes to his dad, say, one night a week? That way he gets to keep up contact with his dad, but your friend's concerns about his poor parenting would matter less.

If her ex is competative or confrontational, she might need to find a way of suggesting this that makes it sound like it's just a simpler routine for DS, less chopping and chaning between houses, etc, rather than her ex is "losing" anything.

Or alternatively, could she speak to the grandparents about her concerns and see if they would be up for helping their son learn to do a better job of looking after his DS?

Lax maybe but nothing there that is so awful. Not serious welfare issues. Unless there any evidence child has eg wandered off out and hurt himself...
If the gps are good then what is the issue ?
And you can't know from a four year old what has really gone on.

However may need to look at hand overs and why child Has bad behaviour .

Thanks guys some good advice here. My friend does not want to stop contact. She is desperate for her son to have a relationship with his dad. Maybe I was a bit dramatic with the awful title but it made me so angry to see her in tears trying to be both mum and dad to her son as EXP sees him as an inconvenience.

Thank you wise ladies. All your views are important and I'll do my best to help her.