Absent father wants to send Birthday/Christmas cards

[bekandboys]

My oldest son has not seen his father since he was a baby and is now 6. Social services wanted to risk assess him before allowing unsupervised contact when we separated.He walked away at that point and has had no contact since. He lives abroad, but has recently contacted a member of my family and asked for an address so that he can send xmas and birthday cards. I cannot and will not give him our address as this could put us at risk, but am unsure whether I should say that he can send stuff through a solicitor. Does anyone have experience of this kind of indirect contact?and the impact it could have on a child who won't get to see his dad until he is an adult. I can't work out whether it would be better to get cards so that he knows his dad is out there and does care/think of him, or whether this will just highlight what he is missing out on. My son goes through fazes of asking about his dad and saying that he is sad about it, but hasn't talked about him for a few months now.

yes let him send stuff toa safe address and keep them for when your ds asks. at some point your ds may want to make contact. is up to you to ensure it is safe and supervised intitially

My ex sent my son a birthday card last week for his 6th birthday, totally out of the blue.. there were also presents for him - related to the football team my ex supports not my sons' team.
It has really unsettled my son.... I was furious for many reasons I will not go into too complex - not one word(or penny) in 6 years then this left ont he doorstep.
In some ways it is nice for the child to know they are `loved' (maybe) but I'm just old fashioned - and it's in or out for me... and if he's out he's out - to keep the child sane. I agree with cestlavielife in that you could get them sent somewhere and just keep.
Keep safe x

Thanks cestlavielife and avenueone, I had thought about doing that, and it doesn't sit easily with me to keep them and not show them to him until later. I can imagine my boy could be furious about that later, although he may also be furious if he found out that i obstructed him from getting post at all! And if i let him have the post, he may go from being a really happy well balanced boy to being unsettled or even troubled, which I can't bare the thought of. Avenueone, if you don't mind me asking, how long is it since your son has seen his father? does he have any memory of him? I agree that it was a totally inappropriate and misguided way to make contact, but if there is any chance that they could have a relationship safely in the future, then the cards and presents wouldn't just be bringing false hope, so although they may be unsettling for your boy now, could it move towards something positive? I know my situation couldn't, which is really sad for my boy. It's gutting to not be able to give him his dad.

It's a difficult one. I don't have any experience of your situation, but I would agree to keep to show your son if he asks about his father.

My exh abandoned my son a few years ago, unlike your son, mine knew his dad and... was furious at the way his dad behaved towards him in the months before he stopped contact.

Every letter received is received in different ways, most of the times he takes them and leaves them unread in any other place in the house. Other times he reads them and starts asking questions perhaps as he feels left out, but most of the times he is disappointed them with them, as they serve as a confirmation that his dad doesn't care enough for him even to remember what he liked or didn't. In our experience, these letters are written by his dad perhaps to appease his own feelings of guilt (if he has any) but they are not about making DS happy or anything of the sort, they are letters written by his dad for his dad's own sake IYWIM, end of.

At the beginning, I tried to read them to him, now I just let him do as he pleases with them. I realised at some point that I was insisting on DS to keep in touch of his dad out of fear of exh's reactions rather than because it was good for DS.

Considering he has not been in contact with your child, I would suggest to keep the letters for a while, read them to find out if they are suitable for a child (yes, sometimes they have things a child doesn't need to deal with) and see for how long they keep arriving and if they are good for your child.

I wouldn't be surprised if he writes for a few weeks and then disappears again, that would be more devastating for your child than not having contact at all. So, don't hand him the letters just yet.

My ex only saw my son twice when he was a few days old, so he has no memory of him. pedigree I totally agree with you (all points).
I spoke to CAFCASS about the outside chance he would try to gain a contact order and they said even if he didn't and I wanted to `introduce' my son to his dad - indirect contact is always the first best step when they do not know them at all or not seen for a long time. This communication is monitored if via the court. They do this to check that the desire for contact is genuine for one thing- and many tail off as it can last 6 to 12 months.
I don't feel confident in deciding what and when, if he does contact his solicitor as he said he will, - I would go down the legal route for that reason. The experts have their faults and I can still have my say .... but they know more than me about what is best- so I am going to see what he says (heard nothing more for two weeks since the garbage on my front door step.. didn't people used to just put poo through the door when they didnt like hahaha) Good luck with everything, I don't think it is ever easy and someone will always say you have done the wrong thing. I am just going to what I think is best (with a bit of advice thrown in) it is all anyone can do x

Thanks all for the advice. I think I will say that he can send post through the solicitor. It is highly likely that nothing will arrive, as he could have sent mail through this route all along. But if it does I will read it, and then hold onto it, to see if it becomes regular (which i doubt). Thanks again

Just bear in mind that if you ask him to send post through your solicitor, you will be paying quite a lot of money so your solicitor forward the letters to you.

Sounds to me he may have been fishing for an address rather than actually wanting to write meaningful letters to his dc

Southeastmum, I think you may be right! I spoke to the solicitor I used 6 yrs ago when we separated, and she has suggested agreeing to indirect contact of birthday, christmas and easter cards which can be sent to her and she will forward them to us. (Without cost, bless her!). Ex will see that it is the same solicitors address as 6 years ago and that he could have been sending stuff for all that time with no objection on my part. Thanks everyone, this discussion has really helped me get my thoughts straight. A friend has suggested that if there is a bday card this year, then i hang on to see what happens for the next year, and if cards have been consistent,and one also arrives next year, then i could think about giving them to my boy. Chances are nothing will arrive at all, and he was just trying to get an address. At least this way I can feel that I am doing the best i can for my boy, and I can evidence it when he is older.