Quick opinions/suggestions on swapping days with ex

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Hi, My ex has Aspergers; he can only understand things that are very straight forward. He's not good at being flexible or understanding subtle nuances. I was wondering how to handle this:
He insisted on having DS (age 6) three days a week. I was not happy about this, but it was the only way he's agree to move out and everyone said it would tail off and he'd end up doing less and less days (he had not had much to do with DS up til then). DS has not been happy going there; he is very anxious at his dad's. Dad can be very cross and grumpy and due to Aspergers cannot judge intentions so often accuses DS of being naughty when he isn't being. Makes DS very on edge when there. I also have major safety concerns with DS and his dad (see my other threads)

DS has been begging me to cut down time at Daddy's. Obviously this is difficult as ex is now "fixated" on having his allotted three days with his son. The agreement we made said the 3 day 4 day spilt was flexible and could change based on DS's requests or mine or exe's circumstances, but so far ex has insisted on the three days each week.

The question is how do you handle swapping days around with your ex? For example if ex wants to take DS to his Mum and dad's I am happy to swap days around so he can. Or if he wants to take him to a particular event on a particular day (like cousin's birthday party) I am happy to swap days around if the event falls on one of my days. BUT...if ex cannot have DS on one of the days he's supposed to have him due to a works meeting, or a trip Ex wants to take with his mates, then when he asks me to have DS that day I am always happy to do it, but I do not think I should have to swap one of my days to do it.

Not sure if I'm being very clear; but I guess I think looking after DS on a day that isn't officially mine is like a favour, and I should not have to give up one of my allotted days the following week to make up for it (and I have usually arranged stuff way in advance for my allotted days, because I have to pack a lot in to those four days as Ex doesn't do doctors/hospital appts with DS and does not do playdates as doesn't know other parents)

I just feel disgruntled that he demands I supply him with one of my allotted days in return when I am looking after DS for him on a day when I'm not supposed to be.
For example last week I agreed to do it on a day when I actually had something planned workwise, but I agreed as Ex could not look after him, but I don't feel I should have to give up one of my days with DS to pay Ex back.
It seems so petty to ask me to pay him back, when I am actually doing him a favour and covering his back when he's double booked or wants to go off on a jolly. It's not as if I have a choice usually. Ex plans things and assumes I will look after DS, then ASSUMES i will pay him back a day.
I want to explain this to Ex but I don't know how to phrase it (in a text or email) .
As you can see from this post I have trouble being succinct and clear about it! Any suggestions of wordings greatly appreciated. Hopefully wording that doesn't get Ex's back up. And of course opinion as to whether this is standard practice or how others handle it.

As DS doesn't want three days at his dad's and as I have huge safety concerns when he's there anyway, I'm not likely to change my position on this; I just want to figure out how to word it to Ex. We don't have a court order; just an agreement we made between ourselves, no divorce yet.

Oh yes and before anyone asks, I would not need Ex to do the same for me (i.e look after DS on a day that is timetabled as mine) as he would be at the bottom of the list of people I would ask to mind our son, as he has alot of issues related to his AS which makes him unsafe with DS. I would ask my Mum or dad, or another Mum from school or my brother..

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How has he endangered your ds?

RedhelenB I don't want this whole thread to be all about that; I wanna get advice on wording this so he understands. But there is a long list going back to the first few months of ds's life. Where do I start? Folks with AS often have difficult predicting the outcome to situations, for example if they're walking along a cliff with a two year old it may not occur to them to hold the toddler's hand as they wouldn't automatically think what might happen next.. this is obviously problematic when looking after children. I don't want to get into a whole debate about As and parenting. Lots of folks with AS make better parents than me, but my ex has done stuff that has put DS in hospital, has left him unsupervised in places no right minding person would leave a child unsupervised, cannot tell if he's ill, resists taking him to hospital if there's been an accident, sets fires to things by accident in the home, leave gas on, etc., etc.,

if he is unsafe with your DS and you ahve recent incidents which ahve been recorded (eg A and E, police or other profressional) then you need to think long and hard about making it only supervised contact.

it is relevant because on the one hand you let DS go spend three days a week with him and on the othe you says he is unsafe.

so the issue of swapping days or not (and i think there should be give and take on both sides) is a minor concern compared to genuine concerns about safety.

also you dont ahve to pack in loads of stuff it is fine to just spend time you and DS at home in park etc.

I am on the case with the unsupervised aspect and doing all I can. Was just hoping to get some advice on wording this. I have other threads on safety going on on here and am doing tons in real life, so please I don't want this thread to be about this. I know it's the important issue and I'm doing all I can.

I think your Ex might understand it best if you present it as 'these are the days/times that DS is available for contact with you. I am happy to consider him spending additional time with you for special occasions and to spend time with extended family, so please do ask. I will not swap days to fit around your social commitments. if you are unavailable on the regular days/times we agree, DS will miss out on that time with you.'

I'm dealing with a Aspergers ex too - it created some very difficult situations in mediation and with solicitors in the first few months but has gradually settled down as I have learnt how to manage situations in a way he is able to cope with and understand.

Notadisney Wow thank you for responding. It is so tricky, isn't it? I feel I have to tread very carefully and word everything so carefully. I have to tread a fine line between being firm and assertive, yet not get his back up...

I want to appear as if I'm being friendly and helpful, but I genuinely do believe that if he can't have ds one day and asked me to step in then I shouldn't be expected to "pay him back" with one of my days. I am in effect, doing him a favour. What if he goes on a works trip for seven days and misses all three of his contact days? When he gets back he will then expect me to hand over three of my days with DS the following week. I feel it is his choice to not have DS those days (his work is totally flexible, he's self employed and picks and chooses what he does) But personally i would not choose to not have DS or see him for an entire week, so it should not be forced upon me because ex has gone away for a week and wants me to reciprocate.

I'd love to hear some more advice form you Notadisney if you've been through all this. We are not at solicitors yet. (though I'm speaking to them in the background, unbeknownst to Ex)
Do you have children with him?
I have discussed with other ex wives of AS men, and they mention that if a subject is causing tension, just don't mention it for ages, and the AS men often just forget! Problem dealt with.
Ex insists on things, but I do sometimes find if I just um and ahh and not actually answer the question and leave it for a few weeks, he seems to have forgotten about it and doesn't carry on badgering me.

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I guess i want to say it in a way that doesn't sound like I'm laying down the law, just a way that explains how it should be, if you see what i mean. Any attempt at laying down the law gets his back up and he'll fight it. Pure logic will work with him but I'm crap at thinking logically!

I've always resisted "swapping" days on account that it causes twice as much disruption to the DC's routines as if you simply alter it in one direction because one of you can't have the kids on some ocassion (or because one of you wants them for an extra time to attend some family event or something)

So why not say to him "I'm happy to have DS any time you can't, just ask. But I don't want to disrupt his routine on other days in order to "pay back" days "owed"." And say that you'll do the same with him - ie if you ever ask him to have DS for an extra time, you won't expect it to be swapped (in reality you may not actually choose to do this because, as you say, there are other people you'd rather ask - but good to affirm the priciple that it works both ways)

Thank you, Am going to hone down my text and post it here for approval/comments. Any other suggestions gratefully received! x

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