to think this man is taking the piss

[cuteboots]

Ok so last year my little boys dad went to prison for 3 years. This morning he called my to ask if I would go and see him?! What would you do?

Well I suppose that depends.

What did he go to prison for? Have you heard from him at all since? What was your ds's relationship with him like before he went to prison etc.

Too many variables and not enough information for an honest answer OP.

sory it was a bit vague. Ok he satrted seeing his son after baout 3 years of not seeing him and my little boy worships the ground he walks on. He got 3 years for rogue trading and fraud and I was so disgusted I walked away. Havent written to him for ages and then the phone call today! It was so hard for me as I really did love the man to death and almost had a nervous breakdown.

Does he want you to take your son with you?

I think he does as he said hes being moved to an open prison over the next 2 weeks and they get a bit more freedom i.e they can go into town etc etc. Im still not sure about this and being honest Im still trying to keep my sanity and my sons life as normal as possible

It sounds like it would be hard on you emotionally let alone your son.

For what it's worth, my XP was sent to an open prison for fraud a few years ago and his family took our DD to visit him many times and I took her once. She was only 3 at the time and she didn't realise it was a prison! The visiting room was nice with a relaxed atmosphere so it wasn't stressful for her.

You've got to do what's best for you and your son though. I wouldn't worry too much about what he wants - he's not exactly been a model father.

Being honest I dont think I want anymore to do with him as some of the stuff mentioned in the court case is just horrid and we only got a text message from him when he found out he was going to prison so it shows what he thought of us really! I also dont thinky my sanity can cope with it ;0(

The kind of people that commit fraud are not usually the most thoughtful, selfless people are they?

Well personally I would go and see him myself first and check out the situation before taking your ds. As Corlan said above, prison visiting is not always the horrible experience for children as the prison service recognises the need for parents to maintain relations with their children whilst serving time.

Fraud & rogue trading are not the sort of crimes which would make me feel that your ds needs protecting from him iyswim?

I understand that you don't feel you can cope with it OP, but to be honest it is your ds's relationship with his father that you need to consider.

What came out in the court case that was horrid? Is it anything that would directly affect how he is as a father?

I'm not defending your ex at all here, but I do believe that people can change and be reformed. It just may be that prison has had the desired effect and he has realised the error of his ways.
In a childs life 3 years is not so long, (when they are looking back on it as it were) and if you decide that you cannot forgive him and cut contact, one day your ds might end up resenting you for making that choice on his behalf.

Children have a massive capacity for forgiveness in my experience.

Anything that involves taking money off elderly people is in my mind totally sickening and that the reason I walked away very swiftly. Also the sum of money involved was shocking. Whilst ths may not affect his ability to be a parent its just the general lack of respect that I find really tough

I agree Cute, it is despicable.

I would walk away from a twunt man like that too.

BUT he is your ds's father and as you said in an earlier post that he 'worships the ground he walks on' I just think that you should not let your heart rule your head on this one.

I have seen first hand that children will forgive most things of their parents; even selfish disgusting ones who rip off old people unfortunately.
Unless he has done anything that directly affects his ability to be a parent (albeit a part time one) I don't see how you can reasonably stop him. Surely you are glad that he is taking an interest? Better late than never and all that no?

If he is as bad as you say, and he is not reformed, your ds will learn that himself in time. I just don't think it is our choice to cut our dc's off from their other parent.

Yep he still cries himself to sleep and asks when hes going to be able to see him and Im not that much of a cow....But as far as Im concerned I wont be able to look at him in the same way anymore and will also find it really hard to be civil I think ; 0 (

Yes Cute, and sorry to be blunt, but you are considering your own feelings above those of your son.

You do not need to have any sort of relationship with the ex ever again but your son does.

He has done something bad, wrong, and to you, unforgiveable but it does not change the fact that he is the father of your ds. It could all go horribly wrong in future if you don't bite the bullet now and do what is in the best interests of your ds. By this I mean that your ds may not be able to forgive you for taking the decision to end his relationship with his father at this stage in his life.

The best thing you can do is to go along and check out the situation from a practical parenting perspective only and then decide what to do.

If you don't feel able to do this do you have a friend or relative who could facilitate for you/your ds?

I will probably go and check out the situation and take it from there. I agree I am thinking of me rather than my son and thats not good as its up to him to make his own mind up

I am just not one of these PC people who goes all out for fathers or Mothers to see their children no matter what. I don't think withholding the truth so the child has a relationship with them is right.. it's a lie (of some sort).
And whilst children can one day make their own mind up as his sole carer now, you protect him from other things, to me this is no different.
I don't think he sets a good example to your son and I would feel I was condoning his behavure.. that said people can change and be very regretful (apart from just being caught). I think it depends on how you think he will live his life moving forward as the future is what matters for you both (you and your DS). x

Cuteboots I don't want to talk publicly on this topic but pm me if you'd like. :-D

lucie may- Am I being abit blonde do you mean private mail address? Sorry its a bit early for me and I need another coffee

LucieMay - Cute has posted here - on an open anonymous forum.
She hasn't asked for any help as such, just advice and opinions. If you are not happy to share on the thread why bother posting?

Cute - how are you feeeling about it all today? I appreciate its a really tough situation you find yourself in. Have you had any thought about what I suggested re someone else facilitating the maintaining of the contact between ds and his dad?
I ask because I found this to be the most useful advice I received when in a similiar position.
These days my dd hardly remembers what went on when she was very young, but she also knows that she has her dad in her life because I (and not He) worked hard on her behalf to maintain contact between them. She's 11 and has her own relationship with him now, she also knows he's a bit of an eejit, but she loves him anyway. fwiw, he is a much improved father & human bean these days....

its a bit tough as I know that hes gonna use my seeing him as a potential door opener to pick up where we left off and I cant go there . I do agree that his son should see him but Im not sure its the way forward either??

keithlemon- I was only offering an ear to OP, she doesn't have to take me up on it. Why the bad attitude for what was simply a well-meaning offer?

cuteboots- yes i meant a private message, entirely up to you.

Sorry Luciemay that did sound rude didn't it?

Luciemay-Im not sure providing private mail addresses is the way forward but thanks for your kind offer

No worries keithlemon.

No cuteboots I just meant a private message on the MN site- you can send private messages to each other's inbox, not email on separate sites lol! No problem though. I wish you well with your current situation.

My ex was recently released from a two year prison stay and while he was there DD visited her father 3 times. I wasn't present during the visit but she said that she played games with him and there were cookies and lemonade.

Unfortunately, she was all too aware while he was there but it is and was very important that she understood what he did was wrong and his imprisonment was a direct consequence of his actions. However, he is her father and at her age her father is an integral part of her identity and as her mother (the responsible parent), it's my job to not to demonise part of her identity. Ex is an srse and what he did was unforgivable and I want nothing to do with him but he is her father and it's her right to have a relationship with him.

Sounds like you need to have a break from seeing your ex, if you're worried that he'd see it as an opportunity to try and patch up the relationship. But is there anyone else who could take your DS along for you? Grandparent? Friend of your ex?

I've visited quite a few prisons (as part of previous job). There's no reason really not to take a child along - they'll be pleanty of other prisoners' kids along to visit. Some prisons have an area with a few toys where they can play, but others don't or insist that the prisoners do not leave their seats.

Open prisons are really different though - you can wander around them freely, and so can the prisoners. They don't feel like prisons at all. If your ex is about to get moved to one, I would wait until he's there and then take your DS for a visit. If your DS is fond of his dad, you'll need to do something if you want him to maintain the relationship whilst he's inside, otherwise they'd have a very long gap between seeing each other. Some people do use being in prison as a time to reflect and work out what's important to them - might be a missed opportunity if you were to cut the relationship with his DS short.