4.5 yr old DD asking about her dad - need advice!

[sleepylion]

Hi everyone,

DD only saw her dad when she was a baby a couple of times, although he lives in the same city. When I fell pregnant I woke up from a bad spell and saw the light. I decided not to pursue anything with her dad as he has a really unstable lifestyle, heavy drinker and a really coarse mouth! Decided she was better off without contact. When she was a few months I did then try to give him a chance to be responsible and be in her life sometimes, so set up appointments, but he didn't stick to them - so I then chose to cut all ties to avoid any negative crap.

She's and I have been happy together and I feel I did the right thing as she's had no destruction or disappointment in her life.

But now, conversations opened up between us about her dad and she wanted to know who he is. I told her his name and she seemed to want more of an identity so i showed a photo. She asked if she'd ever seen him and I was honest and said yes, when she was a baby.

She's now been saying she'd like to see him. This especially happens when a school friend asks questions, which is happening more and more. She even told the neighbour randomly the other day that she has a dad and she wants to see him.

I feel confused about what to do. Should I look him up? Risk him being non-comitting to her like last time? Should I try to ask that he sees her, if only twice a year? Just so he has an identity for her? Am i opening a can of worms? Is it better now, rather than later? I'm just so scared of her world being shaken up by his negative influence as I don't feel he has anything positive to offer....but, I know, he is her dad. Should I go on protecting her or open up this chance and take a risk? I just don't want her to get let down and feel like she's not good enough either.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Thankyou ;-)

If she's asking I think you should give him the opportunity. Tell him she just wants a little of his time, say an hour at the most to start. At 4.5 this should help. Keep being as honest as you have been, but only if it's positive., resist the urge to 'slag him out', however tempted you are. If he doesn't turn up or refuses to meet her I would tell her he's really bust at the moment. Say this really factually with no strong emotion. Tell her the truth; some kids have 1 parent, some have 2, some Mums and Dads live with their kids and some don't.

Im speaking from experience, I knew I had a Dad and my mum told me at 4 that they weren't friends and he lived with another lady. She asked him to meet me and he sometimes did, but often 2 hours or more late. My mum never said bad things about him, although as I grew up I learned plenty. When I was a child yes, I missed him, but that was 40-odd years ago, family split was rare then and its commonplace now, so your DD shouldn't feel she's the only one.
As I grew up I felt glad that I had at least spent a little time with him; I accepted that he was 'busy working' and later that he had another family.

Your message struck a chord with me because I was that little 4.5 year old...

I still keep in contact with my Dad but its always on his terms not mine. But my DM had nothing to berate herself for and if you remain honest and factual, your DD will feel the same way about you as she grows.

All the best to you and good luck.

Thanks a lot for your advice Boardiegirl. Its good to hear it from someone thats been there.

In one way I want to seek him out and give him the chance. But its only to give dd some peace of mind, so that she can visibly see she has a father. But on the other, it would be opening up a can of worms and risking dd being dissapointed etc. She's been spared that up till now and I keep wondering if giving him an opportunity to do that to her is right, or not.

She's still so young and I think at this age its more about her wanting the same as others have. She said she wants a mum and a dad. But in reality, I think she's too young to make any more sense of it than that. I'm thinking of maybe seeing how often she brings it up. If its rarely, then perhaps waiting until she's a little older - say 7 or 8? I spoke to her teacher today and she also thought she was too young and that was just expressing her curiosity and that at this age it was more of a magical thing for her to know she has a dad. An exciting idea for her. But not necessarily important for her to meet him etc.

I have nothing bad to say about him to her or to anyone else and never have done. So there is no risk there. He is what he is, I knew that from the start. but I was in a bad place then too, so thats why I got mixed up with him. When I became pregnant though, I was honest with myself about what he was able and not able to be. And so I decided to go it alone. Ironically he created the best part of myself and my life, so I only have him to thank for being in the path of my life.

But, I already know that he is wrong for her as an influence. It could really break her apart at such a young age and could threaten to pull apart all that I have built with dd and am still building. She's still tender and young and growing. I fear that she would see him in too much of a bright light at this age and that could be dangerous. The idea of her meeting him when she's older seems to make more sense to me, because then she would be able to make a judgement on his character for herself, instead of giving him an automatic ' god' status, as she probably would now.

I'm curious to hear our thoughts on this. I just need to talk it all out at this stage!

Many thanks to you and anyone else thats listening ;-)