Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with verbally abusive x?

[Socy]

Ex-h has not paid any maintenance for years and I want to sort this out as I currently have no proper job. Whenever I ask him to do anything he sends abusive emails and I know that if the CSA were to contact him he would be very, very unpleasant - to them and to me. This is upsetting for the children as well as me and he knows that I will do everything to avoid this and therefore have not insisted on the maintenance so far.

Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with this sort of thing?

HI I am in a similar situation. The tactic I have taken is to just go to the CSA and do not reply to any emails/contact from the Ex. Just do not engage. If he talks to you about it in person or over the phone or text just keep saying the same thing ie 'the CSA are dealing with this now as you have not been paying' repeat the same phrase. Do not get into any kind of discussion with him.
hope this helps

Thanks Lona. I pretty much do do this already but still get very down when those emails accusing me of somehow 'destroying' his life & happiness arrive. When I phoned the CSA eariler and they talked about phoning him I just got cold feet thinking about how he will react and and stopped the claim. We're not starving and I will get work soon, I hope.

I have had similar, he puts stuff on fb, which the kids see, he regularly accuses me of stopping the kids from seeing him (actually I pay for their transport to his-he moved away) and taking all his money.he has paid about £800 in total in the 12 years since we split. I have had all the usual claptrap about how I am faking my disabilities, abusing the kids etc I shrug it off now, there is no point in letting this man continue to upset you.

Does he have contact with the kids? if so could you arrange for someone else to do the handover? its what i have done in the past. My ex seems to know now that he cannot get to me, and if the kids show me what he puts on fb, i laugh it off.

wrt the emails, just don't open them, or wait for a time when you feel strong enough to deal with his manipulative bullshit. perhaps get a friend round and read them together, and piss yourselves laughing at his self pitying narcissistic shite!

I know you are right, Lona, I guess I'm just not feeling strong enough at the moment to deal with this. I have done the not opening emails etc - I did think about posting them on fb for other people to laugh at! He does see the kids - this is what really annoys me I guess - he makes out to everyone he is such a great Dad in looking after them, but refuses to support them financially. He's always claimed he 'can't afford to' which I've always known is not really the case but it was only last week that I found his P60 from 2010 in a box from his house in DS's room (ex-h is very disorganised) and this shows he earned well over £30K - about 10K more than I thought, so he can hardly claim to be too poor to manage.

I will work up to phoning the CSA again, perhaps get a friend to 'hold my hand' while I do it. I know I shouldn't let him get away with it.

your ex sounds very similar to mine, all talk and no trousers. mine seems really good at being charming and sucking people in, making out he is such a great dad and I am an awful, mental woman who makes it hard for him to see the kids (could not be further from the truth) when the truth is he does the bare minimum and I do as much as I can to facilitate contact.
these men seem to lie so much they actually believe their own lies and they have this bizarre view that they don't have to pay for their kids, that the rules do not apply to them! its really unfair on the kids and the parent who cares for them.
hope you get it sorted. Its best to phone the CSA every couple of weeks to get an update as they are not particularly well organised and need reminding!

They do sound very similar, it gives me a bit more confidence just knowing that, because then it can't be me doing it all wrong. Ex managed to convince some members of my family that I am hysterical/mad (I'd have to be to want to leave him!). And yes, believing their own lies - I don't think he really knows what 'truth' is - but has been that way since I met him, so I should be used to it.

It is partly because of the awful things I've heard/read about the CSA that I haven't contacted them before. I did find it funny when she asked if I thought we could manage a voluntary arrangement - erm, no, that's why I'm phoning you!

Thanks for your support.

google 'narcissist' I bet your ex will fit the description, from what you say.once i discovered that my ex was a narc, I got a lot better at dealing with him, and was able to change my perspective from bitter rage to being able to laugh at his lies and bullshit.

Like you, for many years I did not seek maintenance, because i was scared of his reaction, and his treatment of me, but I am now in a position where his bullying and intimidation do not work. things are not perfect, and its easier now the kids are older and they can sort out contact (he has never agreed to a timetable and has them on a very ad hoc basis)

I only recently contacted the CSA again, (original claim dates back to 2000) so am yet to actually get any money, and to be honest, I doubt we will get much/any from him,given his previous deceptive techniques, (the twat moved abroad for a year telling the kids it was because I was taking all his money, all £15 a week!) but I will continue to pursue maintenance via the CSA until the youngest turns 18 as the kids deserve financial support from both parents, and having a 'private agreement' is pointless with this kind of bloke. any excuse and they will stop paying, as I have learned from experience!

get your CSA claim started quick as they are apparently going to start charging the parent with care to use the service.

You might find his abusive character works in your favour! It did with my ex; he was so rude and abusive to the lovely CSA lady on the phone she was determined to get DD's money from him - in fact she spotted that he had an emergency tax code on the pay slip he sent and contacted his employer to get the next one with the correct tax code on it, virtually doubling the money he had to pay.

I also dithered for ages about using the CSA after hearing horror stories etc but they were great with me - did things when they said they would, kept in touch etc. It was a straightforward thing, he was employed and I knew who by, but still. The money pays for all sorts of little things DD wouldn't be able to have otherwise and I save a bit each month for her future.