Ex wants me to facilitate access weekends more- I want to tell him to bugger off!

[washingonawednesday]

Also posted in aibu, wanted a more 'lone parents' biew as well...

Brief history- split when our son was 4 months old due to ow. I moved to live with parents 300 miles away south for support and because as a single mum I couldn't afford to live on my own in such an expensive area. 10 months later he moves an additional 100 miles away from my current location to live with ow.

They are having a baby in September (yes I can see the dates, she was pregnant before he even moved in).

Up to now he has come to visit my son eow staying in our holiday let for the first part and more recently in travel lodges as the ow has been coming with him.

He now states that he'll be coming every 3 weeks after baby is born as he can't afford it with travel and hotel bills. I appreciate this and am impressed with his commitment to seeing his son so far, but he has now made several pointed first, then arsey recently, comments that I should be facilitating this more to help him out.

I DO NOT want to travel 400 miles up north on my precious baby free weekends to make it easier for him. I do not even want to travel half way. I get 4 days off a month, soon to drop to 4 every 6 weeks. I do not have the money for petrol.

As an aside he earns £40k.

Aibu for not helping more? I've offered the holiday let to make it cheaper, but as the ow is not welcome (it's my parents let and they are still furious even though we have both moved on. I really dot know what he expects from me.

I am prepared for a flaming, but what would you do?

YANBU. I would do exactly what you're doing already.

Would it be worth offering to help with the travelling if he pays for your petrol?

Otherwise, he'd either have to leave his new partner and baby behind, or cart them with him, wouldn't he? Not much fun spending a weekend in a travel lodge with two adults, a four year old and a baby presumably all in one room. But could see it getting very hard for your ex to keep up a good relationship with both his kids and for them to bond together at all if he never has them both under his own roof.

Or could he have less frequent term time visits, and longer in the holidays, to cut down the total travelling time? Or are there every ocassions when another family member or friend might be able to take your DS with them - eg if they're doing a similar journey anyway? Or do you every travel back anyway to where you used to live to see friends?

You can probably carry on sticking to your guns if you want, but your precious baby free weekends could be at risk if you do.

You don't want to travel, and you probably don't want such a young baby to have to do such a massive amount of travelling, but you want your LO to have a relationship with Dad...could you talk to your parents about the holiday let again? Make it clear you have moved on and don't mind the OW staying (she probably won't want to come up all that often with a newborn anyway). It won't be forever, in a couple of years you could perhaps think about doing a bit of travelling and it will be more worthwhile if there are longer periods of contact eg in the holidays...I do think it is fair to help out a bit as you moved originally (not saying you had a choice) and that seems like the best short-term arrangement to me.

Sorry, not 4 year old - toddler presumably? All the harder to keep happy in a travel lodge though.

YANBU.

Ex moved 80 miles away and then had the audacity to moan about having to drive.
The most I would do in your situation is to see if your parents would rethink the holiday let - apart from that the logistics of HIS contact with HIS child is HIS to sort out.
You, as many of us do in these situations, provide the stability and the continuity in the kids lives whilst feckless men swan off to play happy families with the latest squeeze.

My ex took me to court to try and make me drive half way. He lost. Like you no way was I giving up my child free weekends by driving and no way could I afford it either. However, my ex doesn't even bother to turn up eow now. Be prepared to lose your child free weekends.