What to say to DS as his father gets in touch for the first time in 6 years

[avenueone]

Hi Everyone,

My ex left when I was pregnant asked me to have a termination but I said no- (I can understand it was hard that I had the ultimate say)he came to see my DS twice when he was born and that was that. He has never paid anything and the CSA have just put the legal enforcement team on the case. He said he was not the father when I first claimed two and a half years ago, failed to turn up at paternity tests and then three months ago said he was not the father again.

Last week two days after my DS birthday - he left football related presents on my front door steps (related to his team not ours) plus a card saying see you soon love Dad!! then that night sent an email saying he wanted to start seeing him and soon.

My DS was with me when I found the presents as we were returning home. He has been upset and confused about it plus very clingy which is usually never is - I have been shocked and upset by it too.

My son is 6 now and you will now how hard it is on your own esp. with a full time job so I don't need to say any more about that.

He has become a stranger to me and is a total stranger to my son -I know nothings about him or his family and/or his state of mind- our lives have settled and my son is very happy at school and with his large group of friends and outside interests.

My ex is now on benefits which he did.. you guessed it two and a half years ago when I claimed CSA payments. My Mum warned me he may do this if I tried to get payments and I can't bring myself to tell her he has been in contact but I know if he continues things I will have to.

I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow but wanted any advice you could give in advance of this please.

He is very unreasonable (I know we all say this but he is lol) and I feel this underhand form of contact demonstrates he has not changed and does not have my sons interests at heart. Does he not understand that how he affects me and how I am at work as well as home affects my son?

I just don't know what to say to my DS - I fear he may just turn up again causing more damage and ok he may have rights to see him but he has no right to disrupt my sons life on this or any future occasion. I would love to ask him how he would feel should it be the other way round!! and I had just turned up after he had been caring for him for 6 years.

Thanks

The way he did it is very unreasonable. And obviously I have no respect for a man who walks out on a pregnant woman and their unborn child.

I feel very sad for your son, he must be very confused. Does he know much about his dad? What have you told him when he's asked before (if he's asked)?

I suppose maybe your ex had a change of heart and hopefully started to regret the past. I guess you're inclined to let him back into his life, I don't know the law. I'd demand he takes the paternity test though so you have evidence he's the dad if ge suddenly stops contact again and refuses to pay.

Poor little boy, I think you should sit down with him and ask what he thinks and wants.

Thanks for your reply.

He asked once where was his Dad, so I just said his Dad didn't love me any more. I have also told him that I was asking for money from him and he didn't want to pay (about 6 months ago).
Last week he said he didn't want to see him but he is to young to really understand IMO?
He lives about 40 mins away so we have never seen him or bumped into him or anyone really associated with him, ever since he was born. he seems to not want to talk about it. Since last week he has been a bit naughtier and very clingy.

I too have experienced the mean wrath of a similarly inconsiderate expartner/bad father. My daughter is not yet 6 months and despite harsh words that he wants nothing to do with us when I was pregnant, he has for the past few months been asking for pictures and videos. I fear my daughter will grow up confused, unhappy and insecure if the relationship with her father remains strange and inconsistent. He has never seen her in person and I'm not sure whether I ever want him to, yet I think it is best that a bad father has no involvement at all than consistently providing irregular and poor parenting to a child.

Hmm sounds like a charmer! Nevertheless if he's pushing for access, you of course needs to prepare your son for this eventuality. If managed cleverly by you, there's a chance you can work this to your advantage. From one single parent to another, I understand your reservations and concerns but you might not have a great deal of say in the matter-a crappy hopeless partner can still be awarded contact by the courts regardless so it may be in your and your son's best interests to negotiate and manage the contact on your terms first of all.

if you haven't done so already, could I recommend having a look at some of Gingerbread's fact sheets, this one in particular Gingerbread or give them a call directly for advice.

I wish you all the best and hope your son gets something out of contact with his Dad.

Hi, have totally been in your shoes, although a few years ago. My DDs father took us to court when she was six after walking away when she was a young baby. Dont try and sort this yourself, make sure you go through the official channels.

We had to go to CAFCAS via the family courts, this dragged on for a while, my DD was worried that she would have to live with him and at the time didnt even want to see him (think she was just scared). After quite a few, if I remember rightly it took quite a few months, we were told that CAFCAS were going to recommend that he had written contact for a while, then move it to a contact centre and take it from there.

The night before the final court case where this was going to be said, CAFCAS came to see us to tell us that he had decided that he didnt actually want contact anymore. The woman from CAFCAS was furious with him over it as he didnt even contact them, it was his GF, and she was convinced that he couldnt be bothered to put the effort in, ie. writing letters etc.

DD is now 18, what he done has scarred her to a degree, she feels sad about it but wont let him ruin her life iyswim. He did try to contact her through FB on her 16 birthday (no apologies, just that he had more daughters and that they were curious about her!) she just blocked him, and left FB (sensible girl my DD).

Hopefully, you solicitor will urge you to go down the official route, as your DS will need support and time to get use to it all before he sees his Dad, and also it will allow time for your ex to show that he will not let his DS down again as it will take time to go through CAFCAS and the court system.

Thanks for your replies ladies.
I have now been to see a solicitor that said there isn't anything I can do until he sends me a solicitors letter (the police will deal with any more contact under the harassment act - they have been really good). I have told him I will only go down an official route - for the reasons you rightly put boohoohoo - he can have access but one step at a time to suit James. I am sorry to hear what happened to you and your daughter - but she sounds strong and sensible - (down to you I am sure).
I have talked again to my son about it as he was starting to really play up - since then and my assurances he doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want to and I will protect him from anything bad and he will always have me -he has been clingy but it is an improvement from the hitting out. My sol said that many don't have the stamina to see it through, often not really wanting to go through with it but with people around them disgusted that they are not trying to see thier child. They can't stand thier lives being looked into - don't have the ability to form a relationship when they have never had one as it takes so much time - esp. as the letter contact can go on for a while. I am sorry I am not the only one who has/ is going through this. I hope if he really does want contact he does go through the right channels and do the right things how ever long it takes- or just leave us be.

Wow avenue, are you me! One of the other things CAFCAS said was that after talking to him and his GF, they were worried that he was trying to have contact with DD to look good in his GFs eyes as their stories did not add up. Apparently she was saying that he had been looking for us for six years and that he cried constantly over not having contact and she was shocked that I had run off with his DD.

She was rather taken back when CAFCAS told her that he had actually physically helped to move us to the address that we were at so of course knew exactly where we were.

Yes we were told that the letter contact would probably be given for a year before any face-to-face contact could happen, to protect DD and to show that he was serious.

DDs fine, however, she has not forgotten what happened and can remember how she felt at the time. She`s got a great relationship with her step-father (who I wasnt with at the time, just her and me) and generally has no feelings whatsoever for him her father, just thinks hes a bit of a fool.

Good luck to you and your son.

Update: I got the letter from his solicitor - he is claiming he has not seen his son all this time because I raised doubts as to him being the father' - this never happened ..... he wants to take me to court for a DNA test !! I put it in my original post that when I went to the CSA in 2010, he claimed he wasn't the father - I had to agree for my DS to be tested which I did without hesitation and he refused to have one. I have the letters from the CSA confirming all this. I have also received a letter from mediation' and a leaflet about separation and divorce which is so not applicable in this case. They had already set up a meeting for me! on the say so of someone who just walks into a sol. office - the letter even said `we do not have any details of this case'.
Quite shocked at his allegations of course but also at the waste of tax payers money.
I am sure mediation works really well in certain circumstances and I sure some women do stop partners from seeing their children - but this seems like a one fits all approach and it doesn't feel right - he walks away and then can come back and just do this. I have chosen not to tell DS any more until I get court order papers - I have telephoned CAFCASS for advice on what to say to DS as I don't want to be accused of parental alienation but neither do I want to start preparing him for some thing that may not happen. I still feel the indirect route would check if he was serious and prepare DS for major change to his little life.