*What do I do: My Darling DD just asked me why she does not have a father?*

[Serendipity30]

I knew she would ask me one day, but i did not think this day would come so soon. Her father was a cheating lowlife and scuppered as soon as he knew i was pregnant with my DD . I cant tell her that and would not want to, but i did not know what else to say, apart from that all family's are different and she has lots of people who love her. She says when she see's people with their father's it makes her feel sad and she has wanted to ask me for a long time but she did not want to upset me . Some advice from people who have had a similar experience would be much appreciated.

I tell my dc that their Daddy loves them but he isn't able to be a good daddy. This suffices for a period of time. Then the questions probe further eg why? And I just tell them that I don't really understand why/how, but he doesn't really have "the right love feelings" that most people have.

As time has gone on, my eldest (9) now seems to be coming to terms with it. We have discussed that while it is sad that they have no Daddy in their lives, we are better of without a Daddy than with "the wrong daddy".

We sometimes even discuss and try to giggle about how silly daddy is, that he cant find the right love feelings in himself, as he is missing out on so much.
We always end these discussions with a chat about how lucky we are that we have so many people who do love us and end up listing them. Lots of hugs, and often turning it into a positive about the people we do have, who love us by writing Nanny a letter or making a phonecall to someone etc.

While I think the dc are doing well on the whole, it breaks my heart to see them interacting with my friends dh, (who has the patience of a saint and is a wonderful dad to his dc) or other men, as I feel a good male role model could offer them so much. (All male relatives live in a different country)

But as I have a history of picking badd'uns, I am not prepared to take the risk again. And I def do not have the time/energy for dating anyway.

How old i your dd?

Hi, sorry i logged off got a bit upset, and only just got back on the computer my DD is eight. I thought i would be more prepared for this. BassaiDai Thank you for your reply, and you sound like you have dealt with it really well, i like your responses. My DD has never had contact with her father, and although he was a louse. I see her look at other friends fathers wistfully.
I am not interested in having another relationship either, too scared i will make the wrong choice again.

Having been the child in this situation, please tell her the truth, obv as age appropriate as you need to be. My DM did not tell me the truth about the complete lack of contact with my bio father until I was an adult, and it has caused me years of mh problems. She wouldn't even tell me his name until I was an adult, and I think that she even regretted that much.

No matter what, the truth is better than not knowling.

ModreB your right, i just need to find an age appropriate way of telling, its not that i dont want to tell her, its just doing it in a right way which wont hurt her further. Im sorry about your experience ModreB

Perhaps you could compare it to the fact your 8 year old isn't ready to have a puppy and that it would be better to let the puppy belong to people who would love it and be able to look after it?

God, is that lame? hope it doesn;t sound patronising.....

my DD asks why our best friends (our neighbour and her 4 kids) don;t have a dad and thats kind of what i say...

could you not explain that some people are not grown up enough to have children, and that her daddy got scared by the thought of having a baby as he was still growing up himself, and so you promised her that you would love her enough for both mummy AND daddy. That daddy is the one who is definitely missing out, and that there are lots of people in the world who don't have a daddy (or mummy perhaps) around because of that parent's choice but it doesnt mean she isnt loved, just that her daddy was a bit scared and decided to have a different life to the one that mummy chose to have. Hopefully at 8, she would be able to understand that people make choices that aren't always for the best, but that once some choices hae been made, they are hard to "unmake" - and teach her perhaps that if there is a decision which she isnt sure about, it is okay to think about that decision, rather than making a quick decision that she might want to change her mind about later - perhaps give examples?

I think lots of shrugging, lots of reassurance that you definitely made the right decision and wasnt daddy a silly boy for making that decision, etc etc - ask her what she wants to know about him, and tell her what you remember. Find some part of her that looks like him (or make it up if you dont know - ears for eample) and say that those are just like her dads' - give her positive stories but dont hide from the truth.

I have no experience btw, so I could be way off the mark, but if my dd asked an equally difficult question I would give her that kind of reply. It does seem quite heavy, but if you lay off the emotional memories (which your dd is unlikely to have) and concentrate on facts and "i dont know why he did that" you should be able to satisfy her curiosity whilst knowing that she can ask you about him.

She has got a daddy, he will aways be her father,but he 's just not been taught how to be a good daddy, maybe?

Everyone isn't good at parenting just like some people aren't good at x,y,z,

Just 2 thoughts-good luck its a difficult one.

I'm in this exact same situation.

DD asked from a younger age and I just used to say " you don't have a daddy, you have mummy, nanny, uncle x3 etc" and list the immediate family and how we all loved her.

But the day came when a friend told her their had to be a daddy to make a baby when she was about 8. I explained that he was young and didn't feel ready to be a daddy. I told her he didn't know her but I'm sure he loves her in a way. He just didn't think he could be a good dad as its very hard work.

I think she understands. Every now and then she asks me his name or a question about him. I'm honest as much as I can be. She has said she wants to see him when she is grown up. I am scared as hell about that though.

I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to say. It depends on you DD and what you think she can handle right now.

My DC's are only 5 & 3 but I've given them the basics as to why they don't see their Dad. DS actually remembers how nasty he was anyway . They know Daddy was grumpy (understatement of the year!) and didn't really join in with being a family. I've even told them his name when they asked and they know he lives in the same town.

As he was abusive I didn't want to overlook those problems and let them grow up idolising their absent father. At least they've had the heads-up if they choose to track him down when they are adults. We still have a couple of photos of him up actually, we all look nice in them and I wasn't comfortable pretending he doesn't exist.

mumblecrumble im afraid she might be a bit too old for that one, but thank you
discobeads Yes, that is thwe kind of thing i would like to say to her, and i really dont want to be negative about him mainly because he is a waste of space, i dont to make it about him. But your right i think what i need to do is reassure and maybe tell her a bit about him, although that will be difficult he is part of her and i dont want her to look at herself negatively because of what i think about him.

Bossybritches22 yes i need to tell her something along those lines

CharlieUniformNovemberTango I tried telling her about all the people in her life who love her etc. but she was not satisfied i could see it, but she began to feel sad and said she did not want to talk about it anymore , its difficult isn't it.
Meglet At least you started talking to them about it, which allows them to talk to you about it.

I think i have let her down, because she has never met/seen him, i just never mentioned him , ever and should not have left it to her to ask me.

But all your ideas are really helpful and you are giving me ways to broach the subject. Thank you.

It angers me that one person can cause so much heartache even when they are not here

sorry about the typos

Do you have a photo thundercat? Could you perhaps frame it (or find one on the dreaded fb, and print it off - not strictly ethical, but heyho) and give it to her - a talking point, the start of a chat about daddy, who he was and what he liked.

You can be honest and shruggy without being negative. Simply saying "i don't know why he chose not to be part of your life, and I don't know what he is doing now" won't satisfy her curiosity, but it will mean that she has an outlet to ask. You could give examples of why he perhaps made those decisions, or what he might be doing now, based on your past experience of him. He wasnt a bad person (I am assuming from your posts) he just wasn't the type that wanted a family - it ISNT about her, as she wasn't born, he's never met her, but if he had been around he would of course have loved her etc etc.

If you cannot find photos of him, could you take her perhaps to a restaurant that you and her father went to together, and tell her that you have taken her there because this is where you came with her dad, and you'd thought she'd like to see it - or such other place ( a local park, or a street you once walked down, your old house etc etc)

anything really just to get the opener. Good luck, yoll be fine at it, I am sure.