3 kids. Split up 9/10 years ago (messy). Never been a good relationship. I have not re-partnered but he is now married with no children and he has a regular full time job. We were not married. We have never been through the courts but many years ago agreed child support broadly based on the CSA calculator. He used to pay for the odd extra but has not done so for several years now - except last year he slipped the children some spending money for a school trip. This was done at the last minute, after I had already given them the suggested amount in the correct currency - so it was nice of him but didn't help me out, iyswim.
Ex now won't talk to me about anything other than dates and only in short emails. Any attempt to broaden the discussion are met with total hostility. He refuses to meet with me - though he has agreed to meet with me on a few occasions and then sabotages the meeting by refusing to agree a date or leaving me hanging around and then pretending we hadn't arranged it.. it goes on and on....
Current situation is that he refuses to even discuss dates with me and does this directly with the children (17,14 and 12) despite me pointing out that he can't as the younger ones are still minors and its ridiculous to expect them to manage this - it has already led to mix ups when I haven't known he wasn't picking them up or whatever and they haven't realised that Dad has not told me. My policy has always been to accept the dates he suggests unless there is a good reason, in which case I will give my reasons and suggest alternatives, so I am at a loss as to why he feels he needs to do this.
I have asked him to explain why he is so angry but he usually says something like 'Are you mad?'. He often accuses me of being mad. I have raised three lovely, balanced kids who are all doing well at school so I can't be all that crazy, but I do find interaction with him incredibly stressful.
He sees the children every other weekend, Saturday to Sunday afternoon.
Since he married two years ago he has reduced the amount he sees the children in the holidays without any discussion. He still has them every other w/e, but refuses to have them more than a few days in the holidays on the basis that he is working (I work full time as well but my suggestion that they could stay with him anyway now that they are old enough to fend for themselves was met with another Are you mad?) and wants to have child free holidays with his wife. That is fine as far as it goes but I had previously agreed a much reduced child support payment on the strength of help in the school holidays. I have requested (politely, by email) that if he can't have them to stay any more he should adjust the payments or contribute more to their activities. He ignored this and several other messages from me (except to tell me how mad I am) and I gave up - until my tax credits were cut. I have told him that I will now be going to the CSA but he can still settle this without their involvement if he sorts this out by a reasonable deadline. Frankly, I really do not want to go through the legal stuff after all these years - I just want him to make an appropriate contribution.
So far so good...
But I have also found out through a chatty car journey that he is watching 18 cert films with them... Quentin Tarantino. Youngest is only 12. No way would I let them watch this sort of stuff - I hated it even as an adult. I also found out that his idea of how to entertain newly 17 year old the one occasion when they were on their own was to take him to the pub to meet his drinking buddies. Even son was not impressed by that.
I am beside myself. I don't know if I should tackle this while the child support issue is also happening. Is it just too much? Can I actually do anything about it anyway or can he do as he wants in his time?
Sorry for long post.