I,m a Shit Person/mum

[Bongobaby]

I,ve come to the realisation that I have nothing to offer my dc anymore,I have let down so badly. What the hell am I doing with my shit life that is any good to dc. Not with the father anymore, then fell into an abusive relationship,he tried to emotionally abuse my dc aswell. Thought to myself that I would rather be lonely than be treated in this way or let dc be treated like that. Don,t have a very good job, always on the bones of my arse living from hand to mouth,chasing my tail. Don,t really have alot of friends. I,m not showing my dc a good way of life really and i,m feeling very sad,tearful and very much bloody useless.sit in night after night on my own. Does my dc really need a mother like me. sounds like i,m full of self pity and selfish , sorry guys i,m just a bit down at the mo and feeling like its all on top of me.

yes they do need a mother like you. You are their mother going through some crap. It will get better. stay away from shit partners. learn to like yourself and laugh. i have feck all money and laugh lots although citalopram has helped that!!! No one is perfect and no one is a spot on parent. stop being so hard on yourself. think of what you can do with your time rather than see it as lonely time. open univeristy courses????

Happylander, shit partners seems to want to seek me out and I fall for their patter. They then erode my confidence making me feel shit and worthless.was put on citalopram but was told by ex that I was taking the piss being on them, but I needed them to get through. I don,t like myself at all and won,t even look in a mirror as I disgust me. As for open university I am a bit thick so no chance there.

Sorry you're feeling so down. Bet your kids don't think you're a bad Mum.

Bongo you need some confidence in yourself, avoid partners for the moment start treating yourself better. Look in mirrors but instead of looking for flaw focus on the positives. Your child/ren love you for who you are. Material things are good but happy memorys are better. It's not too late to make lots of these it's just the beginning. New out look, positive thinking. Wish I could help lift your mood a little for you, there's no quick fix take it one day at a time

OP you sound really low. there's tons of support on here and the samaritans are always available 24hrs a day. Your dc need you, just being there for them is enough. You're doing your best and it's bloody tough being an lp don't be so hard on yourself. You got away from an abusive relationship and that's very positive. It will take you a while to recover after an abusive relationship try to be as kind as you can to yourself and stay away from people who are unkind to you. People don't all have great jobs and lives that's busllshit from adverts etc. The vast majority of us lone parents are sat in on our own night after night that's just circumstances of having dcs to look after and not a reflection on anything else.
Stop blaming yourself it's never too late and this bad time will pass and make way for something better. It just sounds like you need some support, which MN can help with, as can GP, samaritans, gingerbread etc

If you were a shit person, you would still be letting your exP emotionally abuse you but you had the strength to walk away form that because you knew deep down you were better than that and you put yourself and your children first. That takes courage.
I'm not a lone parent and can only imagine how hard it is. Life feels like drudgery to everyone at times and you will get through it.

Your children love you. You need to learn to love yourself. I know it's hard but try to focus on the things you do have rather than the things you don't have. Do you have RL support?

I expect people to be unkind as if it,s natural as I know no better. I can,t stop crying at the moment. I love my dc to bits but have messed up so much. I feel so guilty towards dc, that dc doesn, t have stable family life.
I,m just about keeping it all together but am losing my grip day by day. Thought I was strong but it has left me feeling weak. mother used to put me down, wanted me aborted,beat me, kick me out. father was in and out of my life, thinks it,s funny that he has 14 kids by 8 different women. I don,t want to show my dc that way of life it,s crap and has messed my head up. He is no role model at all. i,m lost at the moment.

have you thought about having some counselling? it could really help as it sounds like you've had a tough time. But look you can't blame yourself for everything - you are doing your best and being guilty about dc is no help to you or dc. Role models don't only come from parents anyhow they have teachers and other adults so don't put extra pressure on worrying about that. You have pulled yourself out of an abusive relationship and coped with lots of hardship. Don't see your dad for now if it's not helping. Just do one thing nice for yourself each day and write down 3 things you've achieved, even if it's doing some washing, buying a pint of milk or cooking tea. You'll start to see that you are doing things and you are capable. All the shit that happened in your childhood was not your fault.

You are not shit! You would still be in that abusive relstionship if you weren't so bloody strong! You have not let your dc down.

We have no family at all where we are (Australia) and my dds feel adrift so I have to fake that stability for my kids. On a Saturday lunchtime we have pancakes for lunch and in a Sunday night we have sandwiches and cake in front on the tv. We go to the library on a Saturday afternoon and once a month walk to the farmers market. It sounds a bit daft but it gives them some sort of rhythm and sameness to their lives. It makes them feel safe and In control somehow.

How have you messed up? By not staying in shit relationships? That's a good thing. By showing them that putting up with abuse is not on so you get yourself out of it? That's a good thing.

My parents were fuckers and I could have written what you have just written. I had a shit horrible childhood and am frequently told by my mother that she wishes she never had me (when she's pissed off her face). I have had a lot of counselling which helped me come to terms that my parents are separate people from me and I am not responsible for their choices. Have you had counselling at all? You need to learn to focus on your own life and not the life your parents had and the subsequent fall out. You have the power to change the direction of your own life and not let history repeat itself, which from your posts is clearly something you want to do. It's hard but you can do it. I did.

Oh Bongo sweetie I really have little to add but couldn't read and run.

You're NOT lost, you completely recognise the qualities you don't want in yourself as a parent. You are taking care of your DCs. You are reaching out for help. There is tons of it here and in RL, you just need to know where to find it, and recognising and asking is a huge first step.

Have some un-mumsnetty {{{{hugs}}}}

your words are very kind. Would be nice to have rL support but most of my friends are married or settled and certainly not single mums. Its been another tearful day today am trying to get a grip.

You are not a shit mum Bongo. x

You sound like you have had a really hard time and now need some external support. You really need to think about going to your GP and telling them everything exactly the way you have written it down here. And see what support you can get from them. There is nothing wrong with medication if that is what you need because you are depressed, and they may be able to refer you for free counseling so you can have someone safe to talk to. You need a strong support network around you, and to try and get out in the evenings and have time off to look after yourself, even if it is only occasionally.

For me, one of the things that has helped me deal with childhood issues and a very difficult and abusive marriage, was going to CoDA meetings (codependents anonymous) which I find so supportive and helps you get out of a cycle of bad relationships with others and yourself, and boost your own self-esteem and confidence in your own feelings and decisions. But that is what I have done and has worked for me, the importance is for you to get out and do nice things for yourself to rebuild your confidence (cliche - take a class/start a sport/meet friends/talk to people and don't isolate/try and change or even upgrade your job).

You have good instincts and have made good choices based on what is good for the children. You are not a shit mum.

Perhaps you have an idea of what a good mum is that seems unattainable? Try to break it down in a way that you can manage - for example, try doing one thing every day - take children to the library and read some stories with them, take them to the park with a picnic, make fairy cakes or iced biscuits with them, play their favourite game with them - and when you have done it write it down. You will soon see the 'one thing' add up to lots of things.

ps - its ok to have a tearful day.

You are doing the best you can and that's all any of us can do. I admire your strength in leaving an abusive partner. Different things work for different people, you need to find out what works for you. Personally I think a (good, kind and gentle) counsellor can help you to find your way in life. It might also be helpful to meet up with other single mothers - try 'Gingerbread.' Just remember that everyone is different and don't compare yourself to other people. Perfect mothers don't exist! Take care.

I just can,t seem to get a handle on things, yes I know that,s life.What is it when Ican,t even face looking at myself in the mirror. As I,m an ugly person on the outside and in. I do nice things with dc as I try to put a brave face on everyday to show dc things are o.k. I,m not getting younge but seemed to attract blokes that want to put me down and firmly in my place. Now I go out with my head down at all times so as not to attract attention to myself from any man. They scare the shit out of me. This is not good that my dc sees mummy like this. dc wants me to have a boyfriend,needs a good male role model, but where are they. Last one was very jealous of dc and tried to seperate my feelings for darling dc.
I had to give him my constant attention and he hated it when dc was about, as if dc was ruining things. It made me feel very uncomfortable and walking on eggshells. I spoke with him about it and he became vile telling me to grow up and that I was pathethic,That dc should know dc place and not be in control!! I love dc with all my heart. I did go out with friends one night but holy hell broke loose when I got back and he refused to speak to me. making me feel like a naughty school girl. It ended up with me crying and apologising. Not wanting to go out again. I surely do not want to go through that again.I just feel so bloody shitty and alone.

You made the right choice. You got rid of someone who was no good and now you are free to meet someone better.

You are not a shit mum. You have amazing insight and great love for your dc which shines through your posts. I agree with other people above who have suggested you go to your GP and request some counselling. It sounds like you have been involved in abusive relationships for so long and it that has sucked the confidence out of you. I send you a big hug and hope that you feel better about things soon.

hi check out 'codependancy' online may help explain attraction to abusive partners ; as i found out!

Age and beauty are no barriers/requirements to finding a good boyfriend. But it's ok, and actually a good thing, to have time on your own too.
From what little you have said on this thread, you don't strike me as an ugly person on the inside - you love your kids and want the best for them, but don't seem to love yourself very much at the moment.

You've done remarkably well - and so much better than many - who find themselves with bad partners, you've got away from that and are actively trying not to fall back into a destructive pattern - that is some achievement.

OP I have been were you are and things do get better, i know it does not feel like it now, im still poor, still single but things are improving. Sometimes when i feel down I write a list of things to be grateful for or things that are going well. I know it sounds silly but it helps a bit. Also its good that your talking about how you feel, sometimes iif you let those thoughts stay in your head it is hard to rationalise them. At one point in my life i thought my life was so pointless and i tried to end things. I am so glad now i didnt. You sound like you have been through the mill so you are vulnerable right now but you will be ok

you are all giving me a day by day strength for which I am grateful it helps to unload on here,when feeling alone. your comments are being taken in. I do find myself stuck at thinking why do I do the shitty relationship thing and allow myself to be treated in that way. It has really affected me deep down and is now only coming to the surface.
I have one dc who is as with any parent is my life, but do feel ashamed that I allowed not only me to be emotionaly abused but my dc aswell. This is what makes me think so little of myself as a mum, how could I of let it happen? I had a miscarridge to the abusive exp and some days (this is awful to say) but I think I had a lucky escape. At the time I was on my own dealing with it needless to say I felt shit about it. His abuse towards me and the situation was beyond vile. I,m not one to ask for help in rl as don,t want to be a burden to anyone. I,m frightened of rl situations and people. Surely this can,t be healthy.

I felt that this once... for me it was one step at a time. The more you speak negatively to yourself the more you will start to believe it.
I am a great believer in the pen and paper rule. Firstly write down a list of all the things that are good about you, then write a list of all the things you want to change - some short term, some longer term and then things of ways to help you reach each goal - but you can't do it all at once - so have little objectives every day or week and as you achieve them you will gain more confidence.
There are so many people who would love your company and are in the same position - you can help each other. Join local groups - many are free.
Good luck lovely lady - today is the start of a brighter, happier future.

P.s. maybe leave partners for a while - love yourself