Is it possible to be friends with exP? Days out together etc?

[BornToFolk]

I recently separated from my exP, after discovering he was having an affair. Full story here

We have a 4.5 year old DS. He's been coping pretty well but has had a couple of meltdowns where he's been very upset. Last night he cried for ages, wanting Daddy, saying that he wanted Daddy to come home, to live here, come on holiday with us etc. I comforted him as best I could but my heart was breaking for him.

So, I've been thinking today, is it possible to be friends with an ex, and maintain a co-parenting relationship to the point of being able to do days out, or have him round for dinner etc?

Obviously, it's still really early days and I'm still very upset and my emotions are all over the place, angry, sad, hurt, happy, anxious, confident etc etc. My feelings towards exP are similarly confused. I am so cross with him, especially for the impact that it's having on DS but at the same time, it was not my choice to end the relationship and I miss him, especially the companionship of having someone else around in the evenings after DS has gone to bed, and being able to do those family things at the weekend, going to the park, all that kind of stuff.

Am I just kidding myself? Is it best for DS to have totally separate relationships with us both? Will he get confused if exP does do things like come here for dinner, and expect him to stay etc?

I think we're a long way off this kind of relationship anyway but is it possible at some point? That hope would kind of keep me going through this tough time...

I think it's easiest either if neither of you has a new partner, or you both do. And as others have said, best to aim for friendly or just amicable for the first few months.

My ex was initially keen to have days out or even holidays together, but I resisted as I thought it would be too confusing for me. It made me feel awkward as if we were playing at being a happy family which we weren't. He did used to babysit sometimes (times when it was more practical for the kids to sleep at my house, but I wanted to go out) and we would each stop in for a cup of tea when collecting them from the other's house. But when he got a new partner, she wasn't happy about most of that, so it more or less stopped. I was glad I hadn't allowed any further friendship as that would definitely have made it harder if he suddenly stopped it.

We did (and still do) spend an evening together every month or two when we arrange practicalities (which weekends he's having the kids, etc) and also chat about anything else to do with them. That has worked really well - and we ocassionaly exchange bits of news about extended families and friends, or life in general, which is nice to do.

And since I got together with my DP, I'm feeling easier about things. His now DW still avoids me where possible, but ex seems more confident in telling her what he will and won't do - so he does sometimes offer me a cup of tea when I collect the kids (DW usually manages to find an excuse to be out).

Our kids were young when we split and understanding how we related to each other was something they learned gradually. My DD was about 5 or 6 before she gave up on suggesting that we all lived together ("Daddy's bed is quite big - you'd all fit" - ie me, ex and his DW ) or that I have another baby with my ex. So I think it will take your DS time to understand how you relate whether you have days out together or not, but you wouldn't want to start off doing that, and then end it abruptly when one of you decides you don't want it.