How to get along with ex without anxiety

[Spongeroberta]

Long story, sorry :(

DS Dad came bk into his life about 3 mths ago (No contact since birth, DS is 6 soon) Caused lot of stress, I messaged him LOTS, ended up placing my son in Foster Care due to anxiety, see him regularly (sometimes joint contact with Dad), have help from psych etc, plan for him to return in about 8 weeks.

Generally get on well with ex, argued on occasions due to my previous obsessive behaviour.

DS Uncle is seeing DS Dad's ex girlfriend (DS Dad stated she was love of his life) hence DS Dad refusing to see his brother. DS Uncle expressed wish to see DS, which we arranged between us. DS Dad and Uncle spent several hrs arguing via text about this a few days ago.

Met up with DS Uncle this morn, went well. I'd told DS Dad I'd ring him after and tell him how it went. He didnt answer phone but text saying hope it went ok and he didn't want to come with me to take my son bk to his Foster placement later today (had been a loose arrangement) I asked if I could ring and got an arsey reply saying why don't ppl understand I want to b left alone. I replies saying he knew I'd be phoning and pls to not b angry with me.

I think it's mainly to do with the fact his brother is seeing his ex, but how do others handle difficult situations with ex's. I think his mood is slipping but I know I need to leave him alone which is hard for me.

Any advice? Please?? Xxxx

Yes, a very simple one. Leave him alone. That's the only thing you need to do.

Makes perfect sense I know. I know he has these low moods where he just needs to be on his own, but I've not experienced him having one yet.

I have left him alone and will wait for him to be in touch with me. It was just a shock when he was so shitty yesterday and today.

What's the secret with ex's and kids as this is all brand new to me!!

Staying at a healthy distance, near enough to communicate about children, far enough not to meddle in the other person's life.

You need to remember he is an ex, and he may be that for a good reason. You don't need to worry too much about what he thinks or how he feels. Just give him the space and concentrate on yourself.

Very good answer - I place WAY too much importance on what he thinks and how he feels about decisions I make and I feel compelled to be completely honest at all times. I'm quite sure he doesn't afford me the same courtesy though!

I have relied on him too much for comfort and reassurance and need to back off.

Focus on your son and not your ex.

You're very right and I'm trying my best to do so, but it's really hard. I don't want to be like this, I really don't.......but it's like an obsession that's taken over my thinking, I really do hate it

He hasn't seen his son since birth, almost 6yrs. I don't know what the reasons are for that but he doesn't sound like he's even worth your time or attention. What is it that's so interesting about him? I think it's really worrying that your first post mentions your son is in foster care, so obviously he and you are having a difficult time yet your focus is on some ex who doesn't even sound interested in you.

Your little boy needs you. Your ex doesn't.

I know my focus seems very wrong and it's hard to explain without it sounding like I don't care about my son. I can see how it looks.

The ex and the situation is something I have to concentrate on placing less emphasis on.

It might not appear so from my posts, but I love my son very, very dearly and don't want to feel this way about the ex, its just the way the anxiety manifests itself.

Are you already on meds and having counselling?