Help with new contact arrangement and maintenance

[brightonlights]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for really... maybe some opinions and experience?

I've been seperated from my DD's dad since she was one year old and she is now six. She always spent every other Fri/Sat/Sun night with Dad and a Weds night. Plus two weeks in the summer and some extra nights over Xmas.

It has worked well as far as I am concerned. He pays on the nose CSA guideline maintenance and I pay for everything else. I don't count my house/ bills etc as a cost of my DD's as I would need to pay those anyway, and he has to have those things at his house too for when she stays there. But I pay for everything school related, food in the week, and all her child care costs which are £360 a month on their own.

I have resented paying for all her childcare and all her school dinners as he has his CM pro-rated for the nights she is with him, yet by the time he gets her she's fed and cared for etc, he just has to take her home and to bed - but I have never pushed it as I know legally he doesn't have to pay anything other than his pro-rated 15%. And I suppose I think I'm lucky enough (depressing thought) that he pays anything. Although I don't believe in patting him on the back purely for not being scum

I have recently made the decison to leave my career so I can be at home for her more, (supported by my DP and some ad hoc consultant work) so childcare costs will be nil in a few months time. This annoyingly coinsided with DD telling me she misses her Dad too much when she doesn't see him Wed-Weds every other week and want's more contact with Dad. I have listened to her and I understand that a whole week every other week is too long not to see dad, particularly when the weekend is so intense with the three nights. So I want to facilitate this and after months and months of asking him on her behalf he has agreed to a Monday night after the weekend she has been with me. She is very happy with this and although I'm a bit gutted as for five years I've been used to things the way they are - I know she comes first.

Anyway - finally I get to my point! I will lose quite a bit of CM because of that Monday night as it takes him in to the 156 nights+ category. I'm put out by that because again, he will be fecthing her fully fed, watered and cared for and merely have to take her home (a drive he does anyway because of work) and look after her for an hour before putting her to bed. He will then give her breakfast in the morning and at school the next day she will eat a school dinner that I have paid for... So, would I be unreasonable to sit down with him and try to arrange something other than what CSA suggests?

To put things in to perspective, on the current arrangement he pays £225 a month and has done for years, on the new arrangement he will pay £169 a month - all for two extra sleeps a month at no cost to him...

If you think it would be reasonable for me to at least broach the subject - how would you suggest I go about this?

I've looked at the private arrangement conversation guides on cmo website but it's hard for me to assess how much she actually costs - for the past five years she has cost way more than twice what he gives me as childcare alone is £360. But I honestly think that £169 probably just about half of her costs what with me being at home so I feel a bit greedy to ask for more - but surely five years counts for something..? and my change in circumstance is for her benefit.

Oh I don't know, I think I just need a sounding board.

Huansagain that would be all well and good in a perfect world, but if my children spent 50 % of their time with their father they would spend 50% of the time not attending school as since we broke up he seems to have lost his brain cells and doesn't understand what the children need to do/have. He just wants to have 'fun' with them.

He looks after them every 2nd weekend for exactly 48hrs (or a bit less if he can get away with it), so 56 nights a year, with a weeks holiday in the summer, so an extra 5 nights, and 1 extra night at xmas, totalling 62 nights a year and pays £38 a week for 2 children.

I gave up trying to work out what was fair about 2 1/2 years ago when i asked him if he could help towards DD's first school uniform as it would cost £70 for new, and he told me to go f*ck myself that's what he paid maintenance for she got second hand (not that it really bothered me or her, but a new first school uniform would have been nice) and i haven't asked him for a penny over the CSA calculation and he has never offered!

I'm not sure you're "funding everything" are you? You're receiving CM and also Child Benefit presumably. He has costs when DC is in his care. He also has stuff at his house for her which presumably he buys.

ladydeedy, I have a stepchild so i am aware of the concept that the child needs things when they are with their dad which is why i pointed out about the fact that i don't consider housing and bills etc to be a cost over and above my ex's as he has to have those things to.

"funding everything" may have been a bit of a choice phrase as clearly no, I am not funding everything but from one mother to another, given my situation, surely you can appreciate that is how it feels a lot of the time.

I agree huan that does sound fair. Good luck with your campaign!!!

I get the CB ladydeedy. So I get £200 from him and £80 from government. Childcare costs are £360 and I have her twice as much as he does plus I buy everything she needs bar the weekend outfits she has at her dad's (which his mum buys) and any activity that she does for the 4 days a month that she is with him (a glass of squash at the pub while he watches the footie being fairly costly I'm sure)

It's not the worst deal in the world but nor do I find it fair.

Anyway, if he keeps to his word and pays half of the cost for things when she's with him then I see that as being fair because with her childcare costs reduced to nil, I think £169 a month probably covers half of her costs when she's with me.

Sorry I meant cardymow not Huans!

I've scanned the replies, but not read in depth so apologies if I am repeating, but from what I can gather from your OP, you have made a lifestyle choice which will reduce your income, which has unexpectedly coincided with a reduction in the CM that your ex pays towards your DD's costs, because of a change to the contact arrangements that you have also agreed to, and you are now worried that you won't be able to maintain the same standard of living for your DD?

I agree it is tough when that happens, but your ex is an adult and your DD is old enough to understand that she can't have everything she wants, so if the new contact arrangements will only work for you if he picks her up from school, or she has packed lunches, in order to reduce the costs you are responsible for then it sounds like this is a starting point for negotiations.

As a comparison, my DD (11) has a 50:50 care arrangement, but on paper, I am the RP, her Dad does pay a small amount through the CSA and I get CB and tax credits. But, I pay for everything she needs - all her clothes uniform, school trips, shoes, activities etc. Her dad buys her luxury "extras" (laptop, mobile, iPod etc) but as I'm on a very tight budget, she has to make do with secondhand clothing/uniform and budget brands, and she can't always do all the activities she wants to as I can't afford it.
I don't see it as my exH responsibility to pay me extra for those - as the RP (at least on paper) I am responsible for budgeting with the money I have available - and if he wants me to do things differently, then I'd happily hand over that responsibility to him; but he keep declining - I think he likes being able to shower her with luxuries rather than have to worry about budgeting for the essentials!

I did not know there were different rates either. When my ex and I decided to split , he was caring for our 3 year old DD, 2 days per week and paying half the childcare. Once I gave him half the equity from the house his shifts 'changed' at work so could only care for DD, 1 day per week and every other night on weekend. He also stopped paying any childcare (when had been paying £250 pcm). So now gives me £32 per week!!!!! As has two older children pays child maintenance for. Sad thing is only lives ten mins away and would love him to see her more. Did not know about the different CSA rates so might go down that route. Thanks for the info cardymow.