Son's Dad is very ill

[acrunchieandacupoftea]

DS's Dad, my ex partner, says today - after long term health problems that his heart is failing.

I just feel really panicky and I'm not sure I can put my finger on why exactly but, I'm very worried.

Already, DS did not get picked up by his Dad after school and he was not happy, tearful, very upset even when I was suggesting going to the park and buying an ice cream. The after school club leader had to help me calm him down. I think that was partly due to the hot weather and largly due to his routine being upset.

He always, daily, gets upset or at least asks when he is going to see his Daddy and the good thing is that I have always been able to say 'on Thursday and Friday night'.

I was extremely grumpy after DS was so moody with me today that we had to abandon food shopping and missed a couple of buses. I was especially pissed off as I was meant to be out with friends and had to cancel it.

I wish I knew what was coming next. Ex partner does not want to talk but he says he let himself out of hospital so is not being very smart as is obviously upset. I have told him I will pick up DS tomorrow also as he needs some time, but he has just said he will let me know...

DS knows Daddy goes to the hospital 'for blood tests' and he knows I have been to the hospital for a blood test too... I don't think think he knows his Daddy is really ill.

Just need some advice as have no-one to talk to about this really. Also I have been brought up in a totally non religious household and never had to deal with family deaths really, except more recently a very old great grandmother. I feel like I have no idea what to do or say, if indeed anything of course.

I am hoping for the best, but also feel a bit wobbly because I've just been told this and I always worry about the future especially for DS.

I think it's something we all dread. I feel for you.

Is there family locally who you can liase with? Or does he have a good friend to speak to?

I can try to contact a cousin of his... I would rather not call his Sister but I suppose I will if I need to get information at some point.

I guess I will just have to wait and see if anything changes. He may have to have open heart surgery but he doesn't want to. I used to go along if he had operations and wait at the hospital.

I think if I were in your shoes I would do three things.

Firstly, let the school know what is going on they may have procedures in place to help the children in this sort of situation.

Secondly, I would tell your son truthfully and clearly what is happening, no matter how young he is, as he needs to be able to process it. At the moment he is confused and feels abandoned.

Thirdly, you need to help your son process the feelings that are coming up about all of this, help him understand that anger and sadness etc are ok and what they feel like.

I think you just need to be flexible at the moment, and allow disruption to plans (food shopping, friends) and let your son and yourself have time and space to feel. You have to control your grumpiness with your son, he is acting out and he has every right to, you are the adult and he is the child, and he is reacting to a situation he doesn't understand because no one has explained it and processed it with him. Of course you are feeling terrible too, but then reach out and talk to people about it and stop trying to continue with life as usual, while all these feelings are spinning around.

you nee d to make it clear to ds it is not his fault and he has done nothing wrong that means he cant see dad.

contact BHF and see if they have leaflets to explain heart problems to chidlren - you need to sit and explain what dad's problem is and why he has to got o hospital and that they will try and make him better but that is why he cant see him . (tho is there any reason he cant meet dad for a short visit?)

how old is Ds?

if he asks will dad die you have to answer truthfully that you dont know

www.bhf.org.uk/heart-health/how-we-can-help/support/heart-helpline.aspx

and if the wrost does hapen hen you will need supprot for DS (and you ) Support for children

www.bhf.org.uk/heart-health/how-we-help/support/bereavement-support.aspx

We have a special set of resources for children who are dealing with the loss of a loved one. Find out how Small Creature can help with childhood bereavement, or give our Heart Helpline bereavement support officer a call on 0300 330 3311.

you can call them in advance of possible bereavement to know how to handle it

talk to them .

I would also look at www.winstonswish.org.uk/ to see if there is anything that would be useful for your DS if his Dad doesn't make it.

Are things too bad between you and his Dad for you to discuss it directly with him then?

I think you need to talk to his Dad to see what he wants to tell him & when. It's no use you saying to your son that his dad is really ill only for your ex to say he is fine.

Your feeling panicky because even though he's your ex, you still love him for the sake of your child.
You need to explain to him that daddy's not well and things aren't going to be normal for a long time.
Why don't you get him to write a letter to his daddy telling him how much he loves him and misses him and how he hopes he has a quick recovery.
I truly hope he's ok. I couldn't bare for a child to lose a Father. It happened to us; my brother ended up seriously depressed.
You should get him to see a counsellor.