Difficult situation....advice needed!!

[mummymcphee]

I have posted before. Last time I posted about whether I should contact my babys paternal grandmother. I did and now we have a relationship. I took some very good advice from mumsnetters on how to go about it. My ex had not told her about the baby.

Basically my ex was physically violent when I was 6 weeks pregnant and I called the police. We split up and I maintained amicable contact during the pregnancy until the birth. He met his current partner a few weeks after we broke up. They were on holiday when my dd was born and have never been to see her. She is now 8 months old.

The really nightmare part is that they live across the road and regularly see me in the street or local park with the baby and walk straight past looking straight ahead. I have been sitting in a local cafe with the baby and they have strolled in seen me in there and walked out again. My ex now has no contact with me at all. He has 2 kids from another relationship who he has every second weekend. I have know idea if they know about their sister.

I would love to move house but for practical and financial reasons this is not an option at the moment. I would love things to be a bit more amicable! Why do you think things were ok at first and then deteriorated ??? Would it be a crazy idea to contact his gf to suggest a private chat to see if there is any way the situation could be improved?

I would guess he feels awkward and maybe embarrassed about the way he's treated you and doesn't know what to say to you when he sees you. It's also quite a different thing keeping up contact with two kids from a previous relationship if you split up when you already had a relationship with them from it is trying to build a relationship from the start with a new baby when you're already split from it's mum. A lot of men I think don't really know how to relate to small babies - even if he's had two already he may have always left their mum to deal with a lot of stuff.

What do you want? Do you want him to build up towards having reasonable contact with the baby? If you do, you could contact him and say that now your baby is 8 months old, would he like to start having a bit of regular contact - eg every Saturday afternoon or something? Maybe write him a note? Or would you rather have nothing to do with him? If so then I can't think of much you can do other than try to move house whenever it's more feasible. Unless he decides to move it's going to go on being awkward - more so once your DC is old enough to know who he is.

I wouldn't contact his gf though - unless you know her already - as it's not really up to her, and it's your ex who would need to let you know what he wants. Does he talk to his mum at all? Could you ask her what he wants? Maybe he could have the baby a bit round at his mum's if he (or you) is unsure about him having it on his own?

Thanks purple! His mum lives in France and when she phoned him about the baby he didn't want to talk.

I accept the bit about men and babies and I realise that we are an embarassment to him which is why he behaves like we don't exsist! I did have a brief exchange with him in March where he told me to F off when I asked him to help by collecting a prescription.

I suppose I thought his gf might shed some light on why he is being so awful.

Maybe you should ask him more explicitly whether he wants to have a role in the baby's life. Asking him to collect a prescription (whilst not exactly unreasonable seeing as you're caring for his child alone) might have been seen as you asking him to help you out rathar than an opportunity to get to know his child.

If he says no, then all you can do is to leave the door open (eg leave him your phone number or new address if you move) and get on with your life.

If he says he would, then you can work out together what would work.

you can presume that his gf thinks he is wonderful else she wouldnt b his gf so no point discussing his bad points with her is there?

agree that if you want him to be involved with the baby just make a written approach to him eg email so you have a record of it.

Thanks cest la vie! I am not sure how any self respecting gf feels ok about a bf with a young baby and an ex who he has treated like some dogshit on his shoe. I have tried a written approach when she was 3 weeks old and he sent a text to say he was coming to see her but never arrived.

Why is it always so easy for men to meet someone else ? I am putting up with being blanked by a couple of emotionally shutdown, crappy people so why do I care? This is supposed to be about my baby ?

If they did ever want contact my dd would have a bitter, orange, chain smoking, stepmum....why would I want that???