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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Missing kids

11 replies

supersare · 24/05/2012 06:31

Has anyone any experience of being parted from their kids? I recently split from my kids dad, they are 16 and 18. Due to him refusing point blank to move out of our house (he is stubborn in the extene) I'm the one who moved out.
I'm in constant contact with my kids, and because they're older I've said they can come and stay as often as they want with me. Because of their busy social lives and exams at the moment, I'm not seeing much of them.
I take them out for tea mid week then they sometimes stay one night at the weekend.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, as it's breaking my heart; especially at night time....thanks.

OP posts:

MatureUniStudent · 24/05/2012 09:25

Oh how heart breaking for you. My eldest went to uni and I cry each time she goes back (not in front of her!) I miss her like a pain. Do you skype with your children at night? Facebook and email them? Are they far away from you? Can they do their social life, but from your home on the weekends?

Keep busy at night times and I find going to bed early helps make the evenings not so long.

seaofyou · 24/05/2012 09:52

My mum and I left our abusive dad when I was 16 yrs old. He would not leave the house either. I do not understand how thy can stand living with their df? Was df just abusive to you and not the dc? Was it more emotional abuse? Do they get on with df then? It sounds like df is not abusive in any shape or form to them.

...did they have choice to go with you? How do they feel about you leaving?

Tbh you would not possibly see much of them even if you were at home due to hetic social/exams. At that age life is very much focused on friends not family. Maybe they see this spilt as between mum and dad and they both their parents equally?

seaofyou · 24/05/2012 09:54

both love their parents equally

Original poster

supersare · 25/05/2012 05:20

We did start to Skype but the broadband signal is very weak where I live so it's not practical to use. I'm about 1 mile away so we're pretty close. This weekend I am seeing more of them as it happens
I guess the problem is that they ask last minute if they can stay and often I've already made plans to do something else, then feel bad letting either my dd/ds down or my friends.
So tricky!
Ds is sending me on a guilt trip at the moment as claims her father has no money ( I know this to be wrong as we still have joint bank account) and also how their dad is down regarding the split.
I don't feel guilty about this though as I know how unhappy he made me for a long time ( he has a passive aggressive personality).
I guess I just need to take every day/week as it comes and try my best with the kids. Sooo hard but hoping it will be worth the current flux, as it will lead to us getting on with our lives and ultimately gain an element off happiness, albeit not together anymore.

OP posts:

Sassybeast · 25/05/2012 20:03

I don't think that it's tricky at all. You put them first every time. Every time they ask to stay you agree and when you have all got used to the new lives that you are living, then you work out how to address the issue of them asking last minute. How many times have you refused to let them stay over in favour of other plans?

seaofyou · 26/05/2012 12:00

You live a mile away and do Skype?
You put your nights out with friends first?
Oh dear!

hairylemon · 26/05/2012 12:03

Stop putting nights out first before your children would my advice

postmanpatscat · 26/05/2012 14:43

If you have plans to go out and your DC make a last minute request, they are old enough to be in your home without you there. At least you will still wake up together, or you can come home a little earlier than you would have done otherwise. Talk to them about making more definite arrangements if short notice is an issue.

Original poster

supersare · 27/05/2012 09:25

There has only been one night that I've had to tell me son I had prior arrangements and that he couldn't stay over. Once and once only. I guess the fact that I like routine myself causes me stress when plans change at the last minute, but that's my problem and something I'll need to learn to deal with. I'm carrying alot of guilt that I couldn't make my marriage work for their sake, but I reached the point where I was tired of trying to make it work; and realised it would be better for the kids if we did split

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 27/05/2012 10:38

Your DCs aren't children, they are young adults.

That means that they are old enough to be told that you are not available at the last minute. I don't think a regular contact arrangement is appropriate at their age; making mutually convenient plans is the way adult life works and that is a skill your DCs need to learn.

But, they will draw their own adult conclusions if you are frequently unavailable or are unwilling to change your plans if they need you - just as you would if one of your friends did the same.

seaofyou · 27/05/2012 19:16

Super We can only go by what you write and it sounded like this was a regular let down...look back and read it lol! Glad you clarified it was only once.
Why can't you say to kids I'll have you every Friday night all day Saturday? Then you all know where you stand and have routine. You still get Saturday night out with friends...job done!

You should only go back if you want it to work between you and dh as the dc will be leaving home soon anyway. They won't want to be with either of you then as too busy having a great time then you can give 100% to your friends.

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