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Original poster

I'm at a loss, Dad emotionally abusive to 2yr son (long)

24 replies

freakythingy · 23/05/2012 20:02

Sorry this is long winded...

Been a very long time since I posted on here but I'm at a total loss of what to do. I have 2 kids, a 3yr old Girl and 2yr old boy. Their Father and myself separated a year ago and though things have been strained we get on fairly well. As the break up was my choice I was done everything in my power to make access to his kids as easy as possible for him from cancelling plans, lending my car and even had him crashing on my sofa to see the kids first thing in the morning. Not once has he ever asked to see the kids and been told no and I have never asked him for money (though I have asked for nappies once or twice!)

The problem is my Ex is not only clearly showing favoritism to my daughter but goes out of his way to emotionally abuse my son. He calls him names (retard, brain cell, little s**t etc) throws cushions, balls, toys at him when he cries. Grabs him by his clothes and gets right in his face to tell him off and when he's not doing any of these things or more he completely ignores him. On the other hand he treats my girl as a princess that could do no wrong.

Today he was ment to pick my daughter up from school and then come here to spend the day with the kids, instead he picked her up then took her out for the whole day to the beach and for ice cream leaving my son at home. When he finally does come back he calls my son tardy, calls me an abusive mother for giving him a "silly" haircut and when I try to raise my concerns with him he leaves saying "whatever, you'll be the one who loses out" (he has frequently threatened to never see the kids again)

I feel like I'm a bad mum no matter what I do. If I restrict access then my daughter is losing her wonderful father, If I don't then I'm subjecting my son to further abuse.

Sorry this is so long but any help or advice would be greatly appreciated right now! :(

OP posts:

pinkyp · 23/05/2012 20:06

He sounds like a prick, IMO I would say see them both or none at all. If he's verbally abusive to your son I'd tell him to take a break from the kids to sort himself as you will not have him speak to any of your children in that way. He would be the one missing out not them by the sounds of him! Stand your ground and don't let him walk all over you

Dropdeadfred · 23/05/2012 20:08

Don't let him see your children - he's an abusive horrible man
I'm amazed you are even questioning what to do!!

MissMogwi · 23/05/2012 20:12

I wouldn't let him near the children if he spoke to either of them like that and/or so obviously favours one child.

He sounds horrible. If he stops contact because you call him on his behaviour then he will just prove what a crappy father he is.

bumbums · 23/05/2012 20:13

I think you must prioritise the child who is being shunned and abused.

The way his dad is talking to him and treating him is only going to get worse. And your DS personality will be affected.

HansieMom · 23/05/2012 20:14

You could try supervised contact. If he will not agree, I would go for no contact. Your son should never be treated like he is.

Sirzy · 23/05/2012 20:15

Do you have any idea why he is reacting like this? Does he doubt your son is his or blame him for the break up? (im not asking in a nasty way, nor am I trying to justify his behaviour)

But I agree with others, you have to stop contact, or at best arrange for it to always be supervised contact for the safety of your children.

chocoraisin · 23/05/2012 20:18

it may not seem like it but he will also be damaging your daughter behaving like that. She will soon learn that daddy has a nasty side and live in fear of being caught on the flip side, being the 'golden' one has it's own share of fear and pressure attached, it just isn't as obvious to the outsider. I don't know what I would do and have no sensible suggestion I'm afraid. I just winced when you called him her 'wonderful father' because honestly, what you describe him doing to both of them makes him anything but. :( I hope you find a way forward, I really do.

Original poster

freakythingy · 23/05/2012 20:20

I think he actually suffers with post natal depression. He's been this way with him since the day he was born, never really bonded with him, used to refuse to feed or hold him, and it has gotten progressively worse, and yes, he partly blames my son for the break up (though his behavior towards him was a major factor in my decision) He refuses to seek therapy or help and says that he's just being hard on him to man him up cause I "pussy foot and mother him too much which is utter nonsense IMO. He knows I want him to have a relationship with the kids so uses that against me but my daughter loves him so much. My son is both excited to see him but also now flinches whenever he moves or gets told to do anything in case Ex decides to throw something at him for doing it wrong. I know it seems obvious but I hate the thought of my kids growing up without the contact of their father and that decision being down to me. I feel torn...

OP posts:

Original poster

freakythingy · 23/05/2012 20:21

"wonderful father" is her term though no doubt taught by him, he thinks himself a parenting guru would you believe...

OP posts:

unavailable · 23/05/2012 20:22

Why do you think he is a "wonderful dad to your daughter"? Spoiling her and treating her "like a princess" isnt being a good parent. Although it's not as worrying as the way he treats your son, it is still unhealthy.

You will soon begin to see the damage he is doing by your children's behaviour and it will make their own sibling relationship very difficult as they grow.

You will only be a bad mother if you allow this to continue.

Mytwopenniesworth · 23/05/2012 20:23

You have GOT to protect your son from the damage this 'man' will do to him. You know that.

HansieMom · 23/05/2012 20:24

But their father is a cruel man. He is harming them. Thank goodness he is no longer in your home.

Levantine · 23/05/2012 20:25

I would cut contact if possible. Honestly, he will do far more damage to them by seeing them than by being absent, painful though that will be for them

unavailable · 23/05/2012 20:26

He throws things at your son?

Its not only emotional abuse then, is it. He is a physical risk of harm. You need to stop this.

Rubirosa · 23/05/2012 20:32

Supervised contact in a contact centre where professionals can monitor his behaviour.

tiredemma · 23/05/2012 20:34

He sounds like a right shit.

HypercriticalOaf · 23/05/2012 20:37

See a solicitor ASAP. I would actually also speak with woman's aid. You said he's been abusing your child since before you broke up. It's been going on for a year or so and the child's only two now?

He's abusing both of them, BTW. One directly and the other indirectly. You need to take control of the situation immediately, whatever he threatens you with.

tribpot · 23/05/2012 20:39

I fail to see how anyone will lose out if you stop facilitating contact. The abuse he has heaped on your son is not acceptable. End of.

ivykaty44 · 23/05/2012 20:46

stop putting yourself out and this man will wilt away into the gutter - on the other hand you can keep putting yourself out, loaning the car crashes on sofa and he will continue to abuse your ds.

I don't think it is a difficult choice

batteryhen · 23/05/2012 20:47

Oh this is sad :( Your poor boy. You need to stop this now. Before your long your daughter will learn that it is ok to abuse her little brother too because 'daddy does it'. Then where will you be? He treats both kids equally or he doesn't see either of them.

He is on a power trip and your son is the target. Please don't let that happen xx

Smellslikecatspee · 23/05/2012 20:48

He is abusing both of your children even if you cant see it

He is teaching your daugher that it is ok to be abusive to others, how would/will you feel when your daughter starts acting the same way?

He is not a wonderful father to either of them, a wonderful father treats all his children well and equally

BertieBotts · 23/05/2012 20:50

Please believe me when I say your children will be better off without any father, than with this shit of a man in their life.

He might treat your DD as a "princess who can do no wrong" now, but she is of an age where she really will worship the ground he walks on, especially if he isn't around day to day to do the boring parts, bedtimes, nursery run, discipline. Yeah, she'll be his pliable little princess plaything to dress up and show off now, but as she gets older she won't necessarily want to do things exactly as he wants her to do them. She'll start to develop her own mind and opinions. And you were with him - so I'm guessing you know what he's like when a woman has an opinion he doesn't like.

Secondly, even if he doesn't ever slip from this princess-worshipping kind of figure in her life, isn't that kind of, well, creepy? What's she going to learn about men and healthy relationships from that? Because if a man treated a girlfriend in this way, it's not usually a straight up adoration thing, it's a control thing - it indicates that he sees her as an object, or that he is using flattery and expensive gifts as a bargaining tool and therefore she owes him sex, adoration in return and/or domestic servitude. Now, obviously I'm not saying your ex is wanting this from his own daughter (although I do find the princess thing a little creepy as it does kind of indicate that she's a malleable object to him, not a person in her own right), but it IS more likely to be what she would find if she sought out this kind of man as a boyfriend or husband in the future.

BTW, I agree he certainly has mental health issues and it's a shame if he won't seek help for them, but please don't explain this away as "male PND" in the hope that it will go away - it's been going on for over 3 years now, it's more likely to be the way he is. Sorry x

nevertidy · 23/05/2012 20:53

You really have to get rid for the sake of your son specifically, but also for your the sake of family dynamics. Not only will this kind of behaviour desperately hurt your son, it also stands a very good chance of poisoning sibling relationships and showing your daughter awful bullying behaviour. If you let this run resentment may well build between sister and brother and you will have let an utter shit do double the damage. He is vile - lose him.

Meglet · 23/05/2012 22:39

Don't let him see them. If he wants to see them he can prove himself and go to a contact centre.

He will fuck them both up if he carries on doing this.

The dc's (5.6 and 3.7) haven't seen their dad in nearly 3 years, while they're not perfect, they are certainly not doing too badly. Their abusive dad would have caused heaven knows how much damage if I'd let him carry on as he was.

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