Ex wants more contact with our son

[niknoknoo75]

Just need a little help if anyone has been in a similar situation!
Me and my ex split 1&1/2 years ago and from the start he has had our son (who is ASD, ADHD and goes to a specialist school) every other weekend and half of the holidays. We have always had a co-operative relationship since we split. He has been in 3 relationships that I know of since we split and has never paused for thought when it came to introducing D to the new females in his life. He got together with his latest in Feb and is getting married next month, she has another child. They will be getting a house together in Jul and he has mentioned wanting to have D more during the school week.
I feel sick to the stomach at this thought.

1. I have been D's primary carer since the split.
2. I believe D needs his routine and stability.
3. I'm always the one to take time off work when he is poorly to the point where I threw my career away last year to be with him at home for 7 months when he was excluded from mainstream school and waiting to start his specialist school.

I guess I'm just feeling cheated at the fact he wants to now have him more now that he will have a little family of his own and it's me sad :( If anyone has been through something similar I would love some advice xxx

None of those points are to do with your ds..... Just about you. Fwiw a mid week contact is standard, he may be heading towards a 50/50 residency arrangement, which again, is becoming more the norm

It's good for your ds though surely? A new set up to get used to. Better than being sidelined

Or fo you think he has ulterior motive, like seeking 50/50 to reduce maintenance?

Am sorry, I have to ask, as we are regularly beaten with this particular stick, but why can't part of your ds's routine involve his dad picking him up from school once or twice a week? Surely this would quickly become part of his routine too?

your arguments make no logical sense - tho you are entitled to feel the way you do. but those feelings hurt only you.

but more contact will be good for ds and good for you for him to go in week and establish new routine.

Please look on it as positive. He already sees his son regularly - and half of school holidays as well as every other weekend means he is definitely doing his bit of the caring too - although you say you are the primary carer. And thinking of yourself, you can refocus on your career. Your son will get more time with his father. You will have time for yourself. What's not to like?

I know where you're coming from - it's bad timing as far as your concerned because you're having to watch your ex move on to a new happy family life, when you're still single. That feels crap - I remeber feeling exactly the same when my ex married.

But giving him a bit of contact in the week doesn't have to threaten everything you have with your son. Try to see if he can have him at a time that is useful to you - eg after school one day so that you can work longer hours, or overnight on a night when you want to go out to some social thing. Then it'll be a good thing for everyone. It's also a good sign that your ex wants your DS more now than before - suggests that his new partner is happy to include DS in the new home.

My ex has my DC on the Monday night whenever he hasn't had them for a weekend - just gives him a bit more frequency of contact, and it's nice to have a free night to go out in the week. I almost never miss my DC when I'm out with friends, but I do if I stay home alone.

But I think if he wants more contact, that should also come with a bit more responsiblity - eg if he has DS on a Thursday night, then it is his problem to take time of work on a Friday if DS is ill.

I am sorry but I think this is all about you and not your son.
His dad has as much right to be in his life as you do.

Your son will settle in to a new routine

Being a parent to a dc with ASD and having a df who used to collect ds with newest GF was very confusing for ds.
Also with as regard to settling into new routine....this could be very disturbing for ds breaking his routine.
Don't get me wrong your ds df sounds like an amazing supporting df and I would give my right arm for that support.
However, I suggest you carry on to put ds needs first and state yes ex can have ds on every weekend...his schooling week needs to remain stable and change could induce huge consequences...I also hope for poor ds this new marriage /relationship lasts this time....so df can be there regular visits as wife or no wife the df should have been offering this extra contact from day one! It is clear df is only now wanting to input more because df needs have changed..ds needs have not changed all along so df never put ds first then by offering midweek contact. Will df carry on having ds mid week if his cosy new marriage ends? I doubt it very much as the last 18 months showed that!
Stick with ds routine and ask ds df to have ds on weekends so school is not disrupted.