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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Totally stupid non-problem, but I wanted to share...any advice?

14 replies

beansmum · 21/05/2012 00:08

I feel like I'm being a bit crap as a parent at the moment!

Had a meltdown in the supermarket yesterday, ds wouldn't hurry up and pick a treat, and wouldn't choose any of the things that I suggested. Which is quite fair really, it's not much of a treat for him if he has to pick what I want. Anyway, we ended up not getting anything. Which was my fault and totally stupid. Instead of just forgetting about it and having a nice afternoon I went off into a huge rant about how he never thinks about me, and I always have to comfort him and nobody comforts me and blah blah blah. Poor kid didn't have a clue what I was on about, he's only 7!

Am I the only one who does this? It's HARD being the only adult around and having nobody to give me a hug and tell me to stop being an idiot. What do you do when you feel miserable, for no particular reason, to stop yourself taking it out on your child?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

daffydowndilly · 21/05/2012 09:54

We all have these moments. So give yourself a big hug!

What do I do when I am miserable for no reason, or I let myself get wound up about something I have no control over? I really struggle to not take it out on the children. But I find that decluttering xHs things out of the house helps, or calling someone friendly for some tlc. I try to take control over something in my life, tick something off my long to do list. Or do something nice (grown up) for myself (like buy a grown up bright red nail polish). If all else fails early to bed for the children and get some sleep myself! I find that being a single parent, responsible for the kids 24/7, trying to deal with a self-involved x, is incredibly stressful. But I am hopeful that as my life becomes more and more my own, it will get easier emotionally. One of my strategies is to move closer to my family, so I can get some more support, and even now reaching out feels good.

DoingItForMyself · 21/05/2012 10:01

I'm always banging on about not being appreciated and being taken for granted. The DCs don't have a clue what I mean and I suppose its essentially aimed at DH but he doesn't listen and they do! Regardless of whether there's another adult in the home, I think some of us just have a tendancy to expect too much of our DCs when we're not feeling supported in general.

Do you have good friends to whom you can moan when you're feeling stressed out - I find a good whinge session with cake works wonders to restore calm.

If I were you I'd explain to him that you're sorry you got so upset about something that wasn't really a big deal and get him the treat he was after as a little apology.

Original poster

beansmum · 21/05/2012 23:14

I did apologise, but I don't think he forgave me. I offered him half my twix and he said no! It's all fine now anyway, I just hate getting ds involved in my crap. He's such a good kid, he really doesn't deserve it.

I think I need to get out more, find some people to complain to! I don't have any family on this side of the world (NZ), I have friends, but not the kind you can really talk to about anything important. I speak to my sister on the phone, but she's no help at all! Happily married and thinks I shouldn't have had a child on my own if I'm going to complain about it. She has never actually said that btw. She probably doesn't even think it, but that's how it feels sometimes.

I don't have an x. Well, there was a guy involved at some point, but we broke up long before ds was born and he has met ds once, 7 years ago. So at least I don't have that added stress.

OP posts:

DoingItForMyself · 22/05/2012 09:11

Perhaps that should be your focus then Beansmum. Get out and meet some new lovely people - DS's friends' mums are a good place to start, but why not search further afield (work, classes etc) to find people you have stuff in common with.

Alternatively why not work on the friendships you already have - it only takes a couple of coffees to find out if you click with someone and within a couple of weeks you could have a new mate to moan to!

It must be really difficult being away from family and being solely responsible for your DS so don't be too hard on yourself.

Twiggy71 · 22/05/2012 19:10

We all feel like this sometimes beansmum even though my dm. lives 2 minutes away and I have friends about who I can always phone being a lone parent means you have the responsibility of your dc all the time.
I find my dc 14 &17 looking at me sometimes as if to say what's she moaning about this time, but they have no concept of what you go through to raise which is how it should be as they are only kids...
Think you should give yourself a break and do something nice for yourself as happy mums =happy children....

Twiggy71 · 22/05/2012 19:11

*them

sarahseashell · 22/05/2012 22:26

bless you - no-one's perfect and all parents have these moments - lone parents, married parents too. Be kind to yourself above all. You apologised and just take it as a sign you need to slow down/take a bit more time for you. Do something nice for yourself, eg get a book out the library and sit down for a bit each day even if it's half an hour.
Put it behind you now, you sound like a nice mum

joysofmotherhood · 22/05/2012 22:40

Here, here we are only human!, thankgod and allowed to make mistakes. We are all doing our best and am sure for the most part doing a fab job. Count to 10 or 100, else try promise fave cartoons if I can pls get my work done!. best of luck

Original poster

beansmum · 22/05/2012 22:59

I know I'm a good mum, and I know it's ok to make mistakes sometimes. I just need someone to remind me occasionally!

OP posts:

LittleTyga · 22/05/2012 23:04

I usually say to mine who can take ages to chose - right pick an Aero or a packet of crisps before I count to ten or you'll get nothing!

Don't beat yourself up though OP its mentally exhausting raising children on your own - you're allowed the occasional melt down.

StrangerintheHouse · 23/05/2012 21:37

I agree you need to find someone to offload your frustrations onto and also who you can be honest with, so you really trust them when they say you are doing a good job.

Even if its just another parent who you take it in turns with.

AKE2012 · 28/05/2012 20:04

I know exactly how you feel. I do not know any single mothers with children older than mine so getting advice on how to do it yourself is difficult.

The times i want to scream and shout are the nights when my child just refuses to settle down and go to sleep.

At least we know we arent the only ones andevery single parent has the same problems. I just hope as my child gets older things will get easier.

squareheadcut · 05/06/2012 23:17

i do that too with my ds who is 5, he knows it's me being grumpy and he just says why ru being grumpy, which i just can't help it when i get into a certain mood but i really try hard not to let it effect him. moaning to friends certainly works and journals do too and a good sleep and nights out breaking from the monotony is important. x

Pedigree · 06/06/2012 17:45

I have had the occassional outburst, mainly caused by my patience wearing thin with lots of stress and a misbehaving kid.

This may sound basic and stupid but try to get more sleep, establish a routine you can comfortably follow and above all, don't become a doormat to your child, clear rules and consideration between both of you is the way to go. I noticed that when I'm more rested, and Ds is behaving vaguely well in general, my tolerance threshold is considerably higher.

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