Help, Im lost and dont know what to do..

[sammy0101]

I have recently seperated from my husband and also moved back home so my 8 month year old some has had quite abit of change in his life and I know its all my fault as he has got used to sleeping with me as we were both in the one room, Im now trying to get him to sleep in his own room and self sooth but he wakes up that many time through the night. I dont know when to leave him and when to feed him.... Can anyone give me any advice. I just feel like everything I do is the wrong thing..

Sorry to hear that you've had such a huge upheaval in your lives Sammy. I would say at the moment, its probably best not to expect too much from your little one or yourself. Just do what is easiest and gives you the most sleep.

When you say you've moved home - is that with your parents? Do they know how low you feel?

Training him into good patterns can wait until you're both feeling a bit better about life. He may be unsettled due to the change in circumstances or it may just be one of those phases, but if it were me I'd keep him in my room if possible, but certainly not worry about self-soothing if he's on his own.

I can't imagine that he needs feeding in the night more than once at his age, (but its a long time ago for me so feel free to ignore that!) If he needs cuddling to sleep or for you to be there with him, stick with that for as long as it takes.

x

Doing it for myself...
Thanks i have been back for about 4 months living with my mum and have recently moved to a flat with my son. I have good days and bad days just trying to keep it together for my son just doesn't help when my husbands starts and blames me for everything.
Thanks for the advice

I know its extreme but I once curled up in DDs cot when I was desparate!

xxx lol. i dont think i would fit

Try and blank your husband out of this for a while. I know he still has an impact on your life through DS but you don't need to accept him blaming you for anything.

I've been reading and commenting on a thread by Chocoraisin who is a complete legend and is dealing with a situation like yours amazingly. I'll ask her to come and post on yours with some advice! x

hello - I've just been through the very same thing, and my DS (21months) has some very unsettled nights. I've found he sleeps much better if I can 'be there' when he drops off, or on a bad night if I can go into his room for the remainder of the night. I try not to take him out of his cot at all but I have a small fold out bed I put alongside his cot and lie down in the dark, shush him and hold his hand. Often that's all it takes to settle him and I can sneak back to my room when he drops off again. It's getting much better now, and I think keeping him in his own bed all night has really helped. Sometimes it's just not possible though - don't give yourself a hard time!!

My DS is freaking out right now so I have to go but I'll be back later x

hello I'm back - sorry for the last message being so rushed, DS was mid-meltdown and I couldn't finish what I was saying!

I'm really sorry you are going through the same thing :( I've moved back in with my mum and dad since Feb, found out about OW in Jan. It's been pretty traumatic for me and my DS, so many emotions run around and it takes a while to settle. I've not managed to move into my own place yet, and have another baby due in 5/6 weeks so probably won't now for some time. It feels very odd being home with my parents, and really scary thinking of doing it on my own as well. I think you've been really brave to move out and be just you two - I know how overwhelming it can feel even with a partner sometimes with a baby, and don't forget 8/9 months is prime separation anxiety stage regardless. With DS at that stage I often had to resort to driving him to sleep in the car because the hysterics were too much! It drove me up the wall even without the stress of a separation. Try not to blame yourself if he is a bit unsettled, try to think of it as a normal stage - one of many that includes crap sleep!

I also slept in the same room as DS when I first arrived at mum and dads and he got very clingy and used to me being there. The pull out bed by his cot has been a godsend, I'm 33 weeks pregnant now and I had a few truly awful nights when he wouldn't settle in the cot, wouldn't sleep in my bed, and I ended up sleeping under a toddler duvet (yes, me and bump!) on the carpet next to his cot. I find having the option of just pulling out something I can nap on takes some of the stress out of it for both of us, I don't panic if he takes ages to settle, he gets to see me while he drops off but at the same time goes to bed and wakes up in his own room/cot every night. It took about 3 months for him to get used to the third new bedroom in a row but now he pretty much sleeps through again and I'm back in my own room (thank god - just in time for the truly sleepless nights and new baby to kick off!). Give yourself a pat on the back and don't forget you are doing an amazing job of being a mummy under extremely difficult circs. I don't know why you split but it almost doesn't matter - the reality of being a single mum is a big mental adjustment no matter whether it was your choice or not. Being good enough is good enough right now, compromise on what you can and congratulate yourself for every achievement. In a few months you'll both have moved on (you and DS that is) to a whole new stage anyway.

I've had some extensive and fantastic advice from MNetters - here and here for starters. I also started a blog about it all!! I find talking (typing) really helps me feel less lonely and overwhelmed so do get in touch if I can I'll hold your hand anytime x

Thank you so much to everyone for there advice, its comforting to know im not the only one going through this type of situation.x

Yes Sammy there are alot of us here with similar experience. I was left with 3 DCs, the youngest of whom was 6 weeks old but I didn't move house until she was 2 1/2 so I was able to get into a good routine although she woke in the night for a feed until she was 2. I didn't feel able to do controlled crying with her - maybe because I knew her dad didn't want her I felt I had to overcompensate by giving her everything she wanted - even at 3am! She has never remembered her father ever living with her. All I know is it does get better & we do survive despite it all. She's now my best friend aged 8 & her big brothers are adults & like extra fathers to her & she now has a sister aged 2! You will move on although it must seem impossible now. Good luck with the nights!!

Hi Sammy, firstly, congratulations on moving on! Getting your own flat is a big deal and not to be glossed over - you're doing great and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
I've been shamelessly lurking on Choco's threads and it's brought back a lot of memories for me. I've been where you are now.
The only piece of advice I'd give you right now is to pick your battles. Choco's right (the woman is an inspiration!!) do what it takes to make you and your DS happy even if it is a camp bed or a mattress on the floor.
Ignore the H, you have given yourself permission to not engage in his arguments by not living with him anymore. He is entitled to his opinions as much as the next person and you are entitled to take absolutely no notice of those opinions:)
I know it seems like these problems take forever to sort out and that you wonder if you'll ever have a 'normal' night again but it's amazing how quickly the time passes and you have to try to remember the quirks your DC's had when they were little. Keep posting and I promise the wonderful world of MN will help keep you going and will give you plenty of laughs along the way:)

It has been great talking to everyone, Everyone has been a great support and out let. I gave the control crying a try and only managed one night where my DS managed really well. The second night didn't go so well and he cried for an hour until i couldn't take it any more. I am going to leave it at the moment everyone is right he has had too much change in his little 8 months. He made my day today by saying mum, making me remember it is all worth it. I don't tend to listen to H as he just like to make me feel bad and he is in his own wee world trying to make out I'm the cause of his drinking and depression which he had along time before I left.
Thanks everyone. I'm glad I found this page

Your ex will ALWAYS blame you for his problems (at least until he finds someone else to blame!) The only way to cope is to completely detach & completely ignore him & build a little bubble around you & your baby.

Thanks I will try and remember that.x

hi op - completely, completely understand where you are coming from i'm going through a grim break up.

i co sleep with my dc when i (well they) need to. i dont over think it it just easier. i put dd in the spare room bed and lie down with her until she goes to sleep then she comes in with me if she wakes up on the night. she is older though so she sleeps through.

in your situation i would just do the co sleeping and not worry about it. dd was with me all the time when she was a baby but she slept alone in her cot eventually.

life will settle down for you over the coming months hopefully but take it one day at a time for now. ds will be ok but it sounds like he needs you close atm