I need your advice! Finances, ex, childcare, blah, blah, blah.

[donttormentyoursister]

I'm trying to work out financial stuff since I split from H last year. Firstly, I would like to say that I appreciate there are a lot of lone parents who don't get any financial contributions, childcare, or anything else from their ex's, so I realise that I am lucky in that respect.

That said, I would really appreciate some impartial feedback on what I am considering. I've put the information in bullet points in the hope it's easier to read! Here we go -

• Ex works full-time, earns a very decent wage.

• I haven't worked since birth of DS, six years ago. Also have DD in very p/t nursery.

• We co-parent (horrible phrase). Ex lives nearby, and he has the children two evenings per week. I do the nursery/school pick-up every day, and on his days they are dropped at his in the evening.

• So his working week is not impacted on at all at the moment. He works from home, and the children aren't his responsibility between 9am and 6pm. He pays £200/month contribution towards nursery fees. I pay the remainder.

• Once a month he travels with work, so I have the children all of this time.

• I need to get back into work ASAP. I'm living off savings and a small income from an investment. Obviously, being out of the workplace for so long means I am having to do some refresher courses, coupled with voluntary work, both of which are coming to fruition in the next few months. I've tried applying for work now, but not even getting interviews. Very depressing. Anyway...

• I can't do the courses or voluntary work without some childcare. I have no family within 100 plus miles. My attempts at finding appropriate voluntary work or courses that can be done within current school/nursery hours have failed.

• This is the question: (drum roll) Do you think it is reasonable for me to ask him to be responsible for the children for two days per week? That means he has to find (and fund) appropriate childcare for DS (after school until 6pm) and DD (all day until 6pm). That will give me two full days to start voluntary work with a view to getting paid work as soon as anyone will employ me.

The way I see it, if I could work full time, including international travel, and only pay £200 month in childcare fees, I would be the luckiest person on the planet! But, as it stands, financially and logistically, I cannot make any back to work plans. I reckon (maths not my strong point) he will have to pay approximately £600 a month for two days of nursery and after-school care.

I could suck it up (nice expression), until DD goes to school, but I'm getting pretty desperate financially, plus I've been out of work for so long, and I'm not getting any younger!

Like I said above, I would really, really appreciate some input on this. Have I completely missed something obvious? Is this fair? Am I asking for too much? Thanks.

I think it's a really bad idea to be dependent on an ex for childcare. What do you think he will say? If he is hassling for more time with the dc, then maybe it could work.

School hols? What then?

Hi Olympia

Sorry, I'm a bit confused, do you mean you think it's a bad idea to be financially dependent on an ex for childcare?

He won't be happy about having to pay more money every month. That's why I really need other's opinions on this. We are negotiating holidays at the moment......

Don't think I made myself clear with last post, should have said 'do you think it's a bad idea to be financially dependent, or a bad idea to be dependent from a practical point of view, on an ex for childcare?'

Hope that makes more sense!

Not so much finances....you always have the option of going to the CSA, I meant more the childcare arrangements. Would be a nightmare if he pulled out at the last minute. Who would step in then?

Mmm, I get what you're saying.

My understanding of the CSA was that if you are in any way co-parenting,- forget it.

He can be unreliable. However, knowing him like I do (!), I think he would hate having to pay late pick-up fees to a nursery/childminder, so he may have to be more organised. And, it is only two days per week.

I think it's certainly worth having a discussion with him about it, but it will depend on him, he is under no obligation to do so

Do you think he'll agree to it? I can see your point or view and it does seem fair but normally the non resident parent only has to pay the equivalent to what the CSA would take, is he currently paying maintenance and nursery fees?

Maytheodds - thanks for response.

No, he doesn't pay any maintenance, mainly because he does have the children for a couple of overnight stays a week, and he sees them at the weekend.

He pays £200/month nursery fees.

If he isn't paying maintenance then I think he should definitely be paying for childcare, and I think what you've set out is perfectly fair. If it is a true shared care situation, which yours sounds like, then him being responsible for them financially for two days while you work is more than fair, good luck I hope you can reach an arrangement with him

I think you have two options:

1. Expect him to pay child support (through CSA if necessary) and then meet all the costs yourself. It should be 20% of his net income for two children, minus 2/7 because he has them 2 nights a week - but if he earns a good wage then that is probably more than what you say he's paying right now.

2. Co-parent in every sense, including financially - ie each provide half the cost of food, clothes, etc and each provide 2.5 days/week childcare (either directly or by paying nursery). This would require a co-operative relationship between you and your ex though (whereas the other options wouldn't because you could use the CSA).

It is perfectly possible to co-parent in terms of day to day care and parenting decisions with either of these setups (me and my ex very much use the system where he pays me and I fund everything, but still co-parent in other ways).

If your savings are under a certain amount (£16,000?) then you should be able to get income support as well. And even if they are over that you should be able to get child tax credit. And if you start working 16 hours or more you can get working tax credit which includes 70% of your childcare costs reimbursed)

Maytheodds - thanks for that. I think it's fair, but I feel sick when I think about having The Conversation with him.

purpleroses - thank you - you've given me so much to think about. I had no idea about child tax credits or working tax credits. I agree it is perfectly possible for co-parenting to work, and I really want it to. He's a good dad.

Just to give you a different perspective, since my ex and I split 3 years ago, we have had 50:50 responsibility for DD (11), an alternating week each, and during "our" week, we are entirely responsible for her care, getting her to and from school and activities and arranging our working hours accordingly.

We have both managed this differently - my ex has a fulltime job, but he has condensed his hours on the basis of his caring commitments, and does short days the weeks that DD is with him, and longer days when she isn't. I used to work full time and use formal childcare, but was made redundant, so now work from home.

I'm not going to say it's easy; because it isn't. ExH is a challenging person to deal with - not my words, I hasten to add, those of several different professionals ranging from a bank manager to the Head Teacher! but, we have managed to achieve it with very little face-to-face contact, exchanges are through school we send regular emails to each other and DD has a full set-up at both homes so doesn't transfer clothes, toys etc.

I certainly think it is worth discussing with him; perhaps even seeking mediation in order to draw up a formal "shared care" agreement that sets out days, times, school holiday arrangements, deadlines for agreement etc.

But, if you do share care with your ex, you have to trust him to make decisions about the DC's independently from you. So, if he chooses to employ a nanny or au pair, or finds a different CM for your DC's - then that is up to him.
I've seen too many RP demand that the NRP takes more responsibility and then dictates what they can and can't do - and I don't think it can work both ways

Thanks, notadisneymum, really helpful to get another perspective. I'm sorry you've been made redundant, and hope your home working is going well.

Did you use mediation to draw up a co-parenting agreement? Or did you work it out between yourselves?

Completely understand what you're saying about having to 'let go' and allow the other parent make their own arrangements. He's never had to make such decisions before, and I've never had to stand back and watch. Interesting times....

If he is already paying £200 nursery fees when you dont work, unless he is a saint he's unlikely to want to fund more nursery time. Cant you more the nursery hours around to suit your course or study in the evenings when he has them?

If you push him too far just so that you can do what you choose you may end up with basic maintainance and will then have to pay all the childcare yourself.

Did you use mediation to draw up a co-parenting agreement?

Several times! It needed tweaking in the early days in terms of days/times etc - and it took ex a while to realise that he was on his own when DD was with him, and couldn't call on me for every little thing. I had a good support network who helped me stick to my principles though -even when I felt like wading in a "rescuing" DD, I kept out of it, and she now has a close, independent relationship with him and his stbDW

I wouldn't say we've cracked it even now, and it might still all fall apart as DD gets older, but it certainly established a really solid foundation to adapt to suit DD.

I think mediation would be a good way to go and your proposal seems reasonable. He is able to work since you provide the child care however that would cost considerable more than £200 per month.

I know you are in a difficult position, trying to get back to work after SAHM but do look at the benefits available to single working parents. Are you divorced and did you get legal advice? £200 for child support doesn't seem that generous so hopefully you did get equity to provide for your housing needs.

I think you need to find this voluntary work first & then if it can't be managed in then time your little one is in nursery, then talk to him about increasing nursery hours.