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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Surely this can't be true?

21 replies

suesmith · 17/05/2012 22:05

Hi -

I'm really worried about something.

I've been divorced 5 years. Have two kids 12, 14.

My partner lives 45 miles away and for financial and logistical reasons (he helps me juggle the kids and he has his own two to worry about on a daily basis) he has suggested we move in with him. To be honest, it seems like a good idea for a vast number of reasons.

However, the kids don?t really want to move ? because they will miss their friends. The ex is against the move and is threatening court but he won?t have the kids for more time, especially in the holidays or during office hours. Neither child wants to live with their father. My eldest is not keen on him anyway (long story).

A solicitor told me today that I can move but the courts would be unlikely to allow the kids to move if they don?t want to. If the father is unable to look after the kids then the chances are they will go into care.

I'm astonished. Surely this is not true?

Can I really be stopped from moving closer to the only reliable support available for the kids and I? I know it is not ideal ... and I know how they feel ... I don't want to move either. But I do need suport and the struggle every month to make ends meet is not helping anyone, least of all the kids.

TIA
Sx

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 17/05/2012 22:16

I have no legal knowledge about this whatsoever but imagine it has made you incredibly anxious.

Common sense (to me anyway) would say that no Court would ever take a child away from its parent/s because the child didn't want to move somewhere - well not for the reasons you describe anyway. Don't kids just have to go where the key carer goes - what if you were moving for work purposes, bluntly, wouldn't it just be tough luck on the kids?? I'm the child of parents who were in the forces and moved all over the World - didn't particularly want to but it was tough!

I can't understand why your ex would want to go to Court if he can't/won't/doesn't want to have them more. Can you talk to him and try and reason with him?

Original poster

suesmith · 17/05/2012 22:23

Hi - there is no reasoning with this man. There is a very long history here ... His sole purpose in life is to make mine as miserable as possible regardless of the impact on the kids.

OP posts:

MoaningMinnieRisesAgain · 17/05/2012 22:47

He could apply for a prohibited steps order I suspect, but 45 miles is nothing and there is no reason why that would dramatically affect contact. If you try posting in Legal someone might be able to advise what his chances were - somewhere between Bob Hope and No Hope I suspect He sounds like a right tool.

If dad isn't offering/wanting them to live with him they will not spends ££thousands putting them in care rather than letting them move 45 miles down the road, I assure you.

purpleroses · 17/05/2012 22:54

Doesn't sound correct to me - it's common enough for intact families to uproot kids at an age when they don't want to move and the kids don't get put into care. Would have thought they could live with their dad if they wanted, but if that's not an options would have thought they'd have to go with you. Unless your older one has a good friend they could go and live with or something?

The only thing your ex could go to court for would be to try go have the kids living with him. A court can't stop you moving house.

It is a tough time to move though - especially 14. I had some friends moved away at that age when I was a kid and the 14 year old did find it really hard to adjust. You couldn't just hang on a few more years? Or stay with your DP at weekends?

Could they return to their dad's at the weekends to keep up with their friends?

NotaDisneyMum · 18/05/2012 05:47

Technically, your solicitor is right to point out the worse possible scenario; legally, it could happen - practically and sensibly, I'd say it was highly unlikely.

A prohibited steps order may be granted - particularly in light of the DCs age, and wouldn't necessarily consider the alternatives for the DCs at the time - but your ex would then have to take you back to court if you breached it, and in the absence of other care it is likely to be lifted again!

Original poster

suesmith · 18/05/2012 06:54

Thanks very much. What a mess.

If we don't move now, then it would be unwise to move for 5 years as the kids will be in GCSE years over the next 5 years (one starts in Sept, the other next Sept). I'm not sure I can hang on 5 years especially as it is the weekdays which are a problem and I'm broke.

I can't stay with DP on the weekends beacuse he ex refuses to bring the kids over to feed their pets ( a whole 10mins round trip) when I'm with DP and there is no-one else to help. As far as he is concerned the animals should be re-homed.

My savings are gone. I cannot find a full time job which allows me to work term time only AND gives me 12 off days a year when the kids can't go to school because of inset days, sick days, snow days and other random closures.

I just feel flattened. There was a glimmer of hope ... but there is no way I'll be putting the kids through yet another nasty court battle.

Sorry - feeling a bit depresed. Thanks very much for all your help.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 10:52

put a note in news agent asking for volunteer to feed the pets on weekends.
what pets are they? most caged pets will survive a night or two if you leave enough food.

BlooMoon · 18/05/2012 12:33

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, and I can understand why.

The putting them into care thing doesn't ring true either. (I am not a lawyer). It just makes no common sense at all.

Sit down with a and try to work out what importance the different issues have for you - you've mentioned: finances, support, employment, childcare, pets... And I'm guessing that possibly beneath it all is the entirely understandable reason that you and your partner are perhaps ready to be together for more of the time.

When you've worked out what the key issues are, there might be ways around some of them that you've perhaps not considered.

e.g. as cestlavie said, there are ways to make sure the pets are looked after.

What about your partner moving? How old are his kids, and how often does he have them? How many years will it be until you are happy to leave your kids without childcare in the daytime? Are there alternative sources of support closer by? Friends or family? Can you think about alternative employment that helps to make ends meet during the time the kids are with their dad? It's not clear from your post whether you currently work, or have a part-time term-time post.

Don't give up. I'm sure there is somehow a way to improve your situation, without resorting to court.

purpleroses · 18/05/2012 12:56

If your kids are 12 and 14 can't you look for a job that is full time, or nearly full time? I leave my 12 year old home alone frequently whilst working - would have thought that a 14 year old with a 12 (presumably nearly 13?) year old ought to be able to cope. Or there are holiday play schemes in most areas that take up to 14 or even 16.

If you moved in with your DP would you be expecting him to support you and your DC?

Apprecitate that you'd like to be with your DP, but think your DP's ex's pets are not his concern - and are not a good reason for uprooting kids at the ages that yours are.

RedHelenB · 18/05/2012 12:57

I think your job option s are broader than term time only surely at 14 & 12 they can be on their own for a bit? If you force them to move against their will I can see huge problems.

girliefriend · 18/05/2012 13:26

The job you're describing doesn't exist which is why you can't it!! You would have to do what the rest of us to which is the best you can, why would it have to be full-time?

That doesn't sound right to me re not being allowed to move, surely that would impinge your human rights or something!

Also the pet thing doesn't sound right, I can't think of a pet (other than dogs which you can take with you) that can't be left overnight as long as they have enough food and water left out.

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 13:44

yes your kids are certainly old enough that full time is an option. they surely spend time alone with you?
and there are playschemes etc.
or get a job in a school as a dinner lady or teacher assistant?

NotaDisneyMum · 18/05/2012 13:59

girlie the OPs ex could apply for a prohibitive steps order which could prevent the DCs being transferred schools or moved more than a certain distance from their dad - the OP could do what she wanted, but would be in breach of the order if the DCs moved with her.

if the OPs ex then decided to take the OP back to court for the breach but refused to care for the DCs himself, then the court would probably lift the order!

The system is bonkers but if the OPs ex has the finances, he could drag this out through the court until the DCs leave home

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/05/2012 17:14

Your children are nearly teens so no reason to not look for full time work. Term time jobs are rare enough as it is and you are far more likely to find work if you are not fussy about hours.

Your children are old enough to have valid views, they may resent your new partner if you force them to move and it could impact on your relationship with them.

hairytale · 18/05/2012 17:24

I find it astonishing that you'd move your kids at that age.

hairytale · 18/05/2012 17:25

When they feel so strongly that they don't want to move. It could lead to all sorts of issues. Couldn't your partner move in with you?

Pedigree · 19/05/2012 19:37

The partner has other children, a house, and i imagine also a job near to where he lives, she doesn't have a job, is broke and have two teenagers that do not want to move.

I'm one of those who moved around as a child and I can say it wasn't easy. Having said that, I am grateful that my parents didn't leave the decision on my hands or those of my siblings. Frankly, as a teenager I was not mature enough to decide what was the best for me and many opportunities I now cherish would have been missed if we were allowed to stay just because we would miss our friends (at the end of the day, there is no guarantee they will still be friends with them in 5 years or 3 days)

Having said that, I think op that your job search is an unrealistic one, there are hardly any jobs that would close for school holidays. There are however a huge amount of mothers, single or not, who work and send their children to holiday clubs or other forms of childcare, and we manage.

Pedigree · 19/05/2012 19:46

... And also, a prohibition steps order may prevent you from taking the kids with you, but if dad doesn't want them to live with him, I doubt very much that the court will rule that the best for them is to go into care when there is a caring parent wishing to keep caring for them if only 45 miles away.

Pedigree · 19/05/2012 19:47

The partner has other children, a house, and i imagine also a job near to where he lives, she doesn't have a job, is broke and have two teenagers that do not want to move.

Pedigree · 19/05/2012 19:48

How did I manage that? This smart phone never fails to surprise me...

WhippingGirl · 21/05/2012 19:37

Prohibitive steps orders would never result in a care order they are totally different issues. Ex could only get a Ps order of he could justify that the move would prohibit contact with him and that he couldn't move too. They arnt granted that easily it often.

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