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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

parental responsibility

17 replies

theycallmemrsboombastic · 17/05/2012 09:40

HI Me and the X were not married, although his name is on the birth certificate, does this mean he has PR or not? I'm a bit confused.

I ask because my DS is grumbling that he wants to live with his dad (and his dad has said yes-something I am cross about considering he has evaded paying maintenance for 12 years and only has the DC's when he is reminded, never has them extra in the hols, the DCS sleep on roll mats at his etc etc)

If DS was to refuse to come back from his dads, would his dad not having PR mean he cant 'keep' him without my permission? DS is 12

OP posts:

MrGin · 17/05/2012 10:11

I don't think he does no. If dc was born after 2003 then he would.

He could apply through courts for it though.

purpleroses · 17/05/2012 12:58

I think you're right - you have all the rights as you are the only parent with PR. Your ex would be likely awarded it if he took you to court over it, even if his contact hasn't been that great. But if he hasn't bothered to get it then you'd be best not to encourage him if you're worried he might just decide to keep DS with him. The police could simply return him to you and his dad would have to go through the courts for any rights.

Original poster

theycallmemrsboombastic · 17/05/2012 14:25

Thank you for your replies, much appreciated. It is good to know that the police could return my son to me. I think XP was just saying yes to give DS the answer he wants, knowing I would not allow it-he said as much to DS, so yet again I am the 'baddie'

Are DC's allowed to choose where they live once they are 16, or is it 18? I am just wondering about the future.

thanks again

OP posts:

MrGin · 17/05/2012 15:47

I think once they get to 12 a court will take the child's wishes very much into account.

But if your XP is as lax as you say I can't see him pursuing it really from what you've said.

cestlavielife · 17/05/2012 16:50

unless there v serious welfare issues then your ex will easily get PR. if here is a dd/ds rlationship already then it isnt worth rying to fight it. either pr or ds going to lvie with dad - no dobt is ds pushing boundaries

call your ds' bluff and say ok fine, if you want to live with dad on roll up mat on floor that is fine. but i expect you to come back on xx days after school for meal with me and stay with me every other weekend. oh and while you staying with dad he has to pay all your expenses food lunches etc.

if you change your mind i will be here for you.

purpleroses · 17/05/2012 17:11

I wouldn't call his bluff on it. Not at 12. It's too young to feel that it is your decision. Better to say that if he wants to see a bit more of his dad, then that's fine, and would he like to go for an extra night each week, or something.

Worth asking why he wants to live there - would hear him out and see if you can meet his needs if they're reasonable - but my DS is 12 and currently oposing going to his dad's because he's not allowed on his computer there. 12 year olds' reasons for thinking where they want to live may not be very good ones. And doesn't sound like his dad's place is really set up for him to live anyway.

Your ex will only get PR if he can be bothered to go to court and fill in paperwork, etc. Until he does that you are the only person who can decide where DS lives.

Original poster

theycallmemrsboombastic · 18/05/2012 10:47

Thanks for your replies, I very much doubt he would bother to go to court to get PR, at a previous mediation session (2004) the mediator kept banging on about PR, and I agreed that X could get it, but he never bothered.

I have encouraged DS to ask for more contact, however the X always has an excuse, every holiday or half term the DS's ask their dad if they can stay for a few days, but the answer is always no.

DS's reasons for living there are 'Its more fun, dad and his GF are so fun, and I like their flat more than our house,also we have a Wii there'(no Wii at home) also he lets them play on 18 games, doesn't bother about their personal hygeine or homework. The DS's don't have any clothing etc there and bring their dirty clothing home after visits. I think If he lived there he would soon realise its not fun all the time and he would have to wash, do homework,chores etc as at home.

If Ds were to move there he would have to change schools or have a long journey to school every day (can't see that happening) I am not happy about a change of school during high school years. Also I would really struggle to pick him up for contact,as no car and public transport would mean a bus, a train then a bus, either way. I am disabled and this would be difficult for me.

I have considered calling his bluff, but I really don't think its in his best interests to live with his dad, and that is what it comes down to. I am just frustrated that his dad is so quick to say yes, i feel like calling his(the X's ) bluff!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 10:50

if would mean changing schools then no; no way.

but you could let him go for longer stays in school holidays.

let him spend the whole half tem there and see how it goes.

Original poster

theycallmemrsboombastic · 18/05/2012 10:55

Thanks Cestlavie I've always encouraged extra contact in the hols but X has never had them extra in the hols, the last school hol, X had said they could go for 3 days extra but then cancelled on the morning they were meant to be going, due to 'work' (however he has not been paying his £5 a week for months as he had no job-can't have it both ways!)

OP posts:

moomoo1967 · 18/05/2012 11:16

If he cannot afford to give you the £5 maintenance each week how on earth is he imagining he will afford to look after a 12 year old

Original poster

theycallmemrsboombastic · 18/05/2012 11:31

I don't think that its because he can't afford to,Its because he doesn't see why he should.
he is not well off, but he could afford the £5 a week and more if he didn't go out drinking and socialising,and regular weekends away and holidays with the GF.(he did all these things whilst 'unemployed')

He has a shockingly bad attitude towards maintenance and has only contributed about a grand in total in 11 years.(and only as the CSA took it out of his wages. His family all have the same opinion as him, his mum even said to me once that 'the dad doesn't have to pay for his kids, the government will give you money instead'

OP posts:

moomoo1967 · 18/05/2012 11:43

OMG that is an awful attitude. My ex doesnt have PR and DD is 12. He cannot call the doctors and get any records neither can he call the school, I don't even if I have to get permission to change DD's surname which she wants to do this year. I have used "1967" since she started nursery but she wants her passport to be in the same name. My ex has given me £70 in nearly 10 years and does not see DD at all. He has never been interested

moomoo1967 · 18/05/2012 11:43

I meant his family obviously as my ex has a worse one

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 12:07

doesnt sound like ex that intersted then -but make it clear to your DS that he is free to go "live" aka stay with dad for the hoidays starting with the nine days sat to sunday of half term . sat 2 june to sunday 10 june .

so DS knows you certainly not preventing him going.

and ds will soon see ex changing his mind...(or not?? )

cestlavielife · 18/05/2012 12:07

holidays

purpleroses · 18/05/2012 13:03

If I were you I think I'd try and laugh off your DS's suggestions of living with his dad as if he didn't really mean them seriously. No bed, (no bedroom?), no transport to school, excuses not to have him in the holidays, etc - doesn't sound like either him or his dad have actually thought it through at all.

Original poster

theycallmemrsboombastic · 18/05/2012 14:49

HI thanks, think i will tell him and his brother could go for the hols,and point out the dates so they can ask him with plenty of notice. I have pointed out to their dad many times that he can have as much contact as he likes, he could see them every day if he likes, however the last time the boys told him they want to see him more (over email) he replied he does not have the privilege of seeing them every day-erm yes you do!

I think the boys are starting to learn the sad truth that what he says is not what he does. He has told a lot of people,his friends and his family, and the boys, that I make it hard for him to see them, which could not be further from the truth. sorry I am going on a bit, just need a bit of a rant really!

OP posts:

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