csa - help!

[davidtennantsmistress]

XH is threatening to stop DS's payments to myself, various things are going back & forth, i'm maintaining a reasonable stance, however this has come about as atm I don't have the funds to pay for a divorce currently so his last message was pay up or i will & take it from DS's money (he sees this as not threatening me or DS) I fully intend to get divorced however don't want to be held to ransom for it, or indeed do it & cripple myself as i'm currently on maternity leave until thursday.

anyhow, we're at the stage now where he sees DS when it suits him claiming to be 'working' and is now threatening this - currently it's a private agreement, and i'm not interested in more or less money, just the security that he won't stop it/change it on a whim to suit him, but the thing is on the CSA website it says that I also have to say about DS2 (who isn't XH's,) and consequently my maintenance from XH will be reduced due to getting child benefit for DS2 - is that right? surely not as DS1 is XH's responsibility not DS2, and likewise the other way around.

not looking for flames or an argument but how do things stand?

Sorry it's a mess, it does get better!

Your household income isn't taken into account at all, so call the CSA and get those payments secured for your DS sake.

Not sure if you've read the website incorrectly, but they don't factor in your other son. If your ex had another child living in his home and the household were receiving child benefit for him, then his maintenance to your son would be lowered by a small amount.

thanks ladies, that's what I thought, and in the event of XH (unfortunately) 'fathering' another child I would fully expect & appreciate a reduction in DS's money. just didn't think it was right that money for/from DS2 was taking into account, likewise, I assume if XH chose to stop working, the maintenance would stop all together as his GF (live in) is obviously not responsible for DS1 either? at the moment I'm not putting that past him to do that, as the current threat is he'll pay for our divorce & deduct it from DS's money at an agreed amount. he doesn't seem to understand that the money he gives me is to feed clothe house his child & also sort out all of the schooling trips/after school clubs etc etc etc, yes i'm lucky to get anything however it's not like I use the money to pee up the wall or have DS in rags whilst myself & DS2 are in luxury.

Are you going via the CSA or sorting it out yourselves? If you go via the CSA, what you've just been told is correct - and if he does lose his job then his payments will go down to £5 a week. It's not just if he fathers any more children that they'll drop a little though - also if he lives with any other children - eg if his GF has DC. But his GF's income won't be taken into account at all. And nor with your own sources of income, savings or other DC that you care for.

But I'm not sure quite how this all works if you're still legally married. The divorce will have to be paid for somehow, so you might have to let him pay for it, and then go via the CSA if he's not paying you enough after that.

I've been a RP for a decade now and also have a lot of friends who have split up over the years so I've seen this problem a lot.

Ultimately it's about power and control. As I often say as a resident parent you need to organise your finances such that you do not NEED his money. Easier said than done I know but if you want to live a relatively stress free life then that's what you must do. If that means a smaller house etc then personally I think it's worth it.

If you NEED the money to pay bills/mortgage then effectively your ex has a good deal of control over you. I don't know how old your DS is but things will change over the next x years until he's an adult and you & your ex will continue to argue over whatever. The last thing you need is like he's doing now which is effectively "If you don't do what i demand then I'll stop paying".

It's blackmail pure & simple. And the only way to deal with blackmail is not to give in, in the first place. I'd go back to your ex and explain that you cannot afford it, if you can then give him an idea of when you may be able to and then say if he starts messing around with maintenance then you should both just go via the CSA now and get it done properly.

My ex did this for the same reason, I phoned the CSA & then he was all hurt cos they rang him up!! I agree with nice guy, the more you don't have to rely on your ex the better!!!

hi thanks for your input, I don't want to go CSA route, atm it's a private arrangement and always has been, I don't need DS's maintenance money as a part of life & death sort of thing, and have actually recently downsized quite substantially in order to do this & be able to free up some disposable income (maternity pay on top of everything else isn't very much), so have done this as much as possible,

but yes nice guy it is all about control, manipulation & bullying (which there sums up my marriage), after all of this as well & a nice guy text after his bosses tore a strip from him after i'd contacted them (is military) he still saw fit to try it again when returning DS's coat asking if I got the text and saying one of his friends has told him to pay and reduce DS's money by a set amounteach month - not stop it all together - which is certainly not what his texts said which were in fact...... 'if I pay you will to dtm' followed by 'i will stop ds's money for that month' the man really doesn't get it & seems to think that I pee DS's maintence up the wall, whilst yes i'm 'lucky' XH gives me the money, it goes on DS1 not DS2 not me or anything else - i'm sure XH is hoping for a full breakdown of my weekly expenses for DS.

I have said i'll do the divorce and I fully intend to, however given as I say maternity pay etc, there's no hope this side of the summer - he's replied saying he'll give me until july otherwise i'll pay, oh & he also thinks that it only takes a week, (yes dear whatever) thus far my only comments to him have been it will be done & I will submit the paperwork to the courts as per the order of things, and then it's down to them - which apparently only takes a week as his friend has told him - hmm, now see might be different dept & all however whilst at work my experience of courts things take at least 3-4 weeks to even get looked at.

DS is just 6 atm, in a lot of ways I am biding my time and waiting for the day when he says he doesn't want to go with XH anymore & then I may be able to do something is he's a bit older & says this, as XH is starting to become the same way towards DS, with the last comment on his behavior being 'he needs to sort out his attitude as DG (XH's DG) is getting upset by his behavior & we're not having it any more so he'll get the slap of his life' ... to this end I would assume even though it's his father I would be able to press charges for assault? as I will not have anyone hit my child even his father.

Are you saying that your ex has threatened to slap your DS and you want to know if you can have him charged with assault if he does?
As a parent, he does have the right to 'reasonably chastise' and it is up to social services, the police and court to decide if he has abused that. Perhaps a chat with your sons school might be best; they can better advise you what the current child protection procedures are in your area.

The alternative is that you may be able to secure supervised contact between your ex and DS if you fear for your DS safety - it is incredibly unusual for contact to be totally withdrawn unless there are serious risks of harm, and until your DS is significantly older, your ex can secure a court order to ensure that you make your DS available for contact.

I don't understand your reluctance to file divorce papers though - the initial court fee is minimal (you can file direct to the court without seeing a solicitor) and the rest of the legal costs can be sorted out as part of the divorce settlement, so even if you do have to pay something - it won't be for several months.