Phone calls from NRP to young children - organising them.

[daffydowndilly]

I was just wondering what other people have done. I have young kids, so too small to call their father or to answer a phone. They are happy to skype with him, but obviously can't organise it themselves.

He, for example, hasn't wanted in any way to talk to them all week, cancelled seeing them on friday night fairly last minute, which meant I had to cancel plans that I had. No reasons given. Suddenly texts me early evening today asking if they want to talk to him. They have been out all day, seeing family, were extremely grouchy and tired and needed food and bed (about 7pm).

I have asked him (many) times (clearly) that I need him to plan phone calls in advance. I need to know days and times he wants to talk to them, so I can be in/give them dinner early or late, turn on the PC and get skype up and running, and so that I don't get frazzled and stressed about it all. I told him I was not going to be his parent and organise it for him, but would be accommodating to what he asked for. So far none of this has happened.

When they happen these calls last sometimes quite a bit over an hour long and I have to be there to mediate between warring toddler and reception age kids, turn pc back on when buttons been pressed turning it off etc. So no being able to make dinner etc. I have also asked that they are of a more reasonable length, say 20 minutes.

How on earth do other people organise these sorts of things? Am I unreasonable? We do obviously have boundary issues and generally he doesn't respond to what I ask for.

I am not going to go into his always being 2-3 hours late for visits, refusing to tell me days/times he would pick up or drop off kids. That was a pattern I (stupidly) put up with in our relationship too, but he always used the defense that he has mental health/depression (drinking) issues and therefore can't psychologically cope with arriving anywhere on time (even work) - . I am just losing a grip on what is my right to ask for and what is controlling.

Mine are 8, almost 5 and 2.5. My XP moved away a year ago and they have only had phone contact since then (a whole other thread which I am still weighing up...).

They speak once a week (XP's choice of frequency) on a set day and time. Originally XP phoned us but that really didn't work out well for me or the kids so after about 6 months I said that we would call him from then on, and it does work better. I do have to "manage" the conversations, especially with the younger two, and they probably last on average about 20-30 minutes. He also speaks to them on their birthdays and Christmas Day, and if either of us can't do the normal day we rearrange it in advance.

I don't think you're UR at all to ask for either a set schedule or some notice. Life with kids can be unpredictable and I think it's entirely UR for him to expect you and the kids to drop everything and call him at his say so.

GahhhH!!!! I'm almost glad xp doesn't have anything to do with the dc's! But I think you've summed it up there " I told him I was not going to be his parent and organise it for him". So don't.

As for the length, you have things that need to be done. So just like when you take the kids to the park, you give them a 2 minute warning before you go home, give them (him?) a 2 minute warning that you will be turning off the computer. Perhaps give the kids a reason that they need to walk away from it rather than him being able to say "oh mean old mum, she's so unfair" like - and you need to come and help me lay the table/ wash your hands/ eat some chocolate (basically whatever it takes so that you are in control of the situation and when the skype ends).

Good luck!

My xp phones 10 yr old ds 3 times a week.
Set days but could be anytime early evening.
Calls last about 1-2 minutes!!!
He phones my mobile but if im busy i dont answer.....ds sometimes phones him back and sometimes not!

Do you have family mediation where you are? This is exactly the kind of thing they can help with and ime will support the idea that its best to have a set routine ie times, days and duration agreed in advance (with a degree of flexibility on both sides) for everyone's benefit. If he won't go they can do sessions on your own to maybe help you work out how to tackle this.

If his depression and drinking are affecting his life so much is he getting some help? For his children's sake if not his own.

You are not in a relationship anymore so you don't have to put up with crap treatment. 2-3 hours late everytime is taking the piss. As the children get older they will start to notice all this too so its a good time to try and get things more sorted.

Are you in touch with ex-PIL or other family on his side who would speak some sense to him?

Set a time (eg, 6pm after dinner) and don't turn Skype on before then. Same time every day.

Stranger I think I will need family mediation to sort it out, I am planning on moving to another area to be closer to my family, so will probably wait until after that so as not to complicate things. I suspect though he will lose interest in his kids, he never could get his head round having any responsibility for them. As for the drink/depression - he has been in therapy for 2-3 years for the depression and that is still there. And drink, well he is a functioning alcoholic. That was the main trigger for the marriage breakdown, and it is his primary relationship, so the children are not enough for him to so anything about that. Tragic. He sees them so little and talks even less, and primarily it is because it interferes with his trips to the pub. I am in touch with ex-pil, but they are in denial about their son's behaviour and have little influence over him anyway. I have tried to get them to play a bigger role in the children's life, but not doing very well at that at the moment. tbh they are so busy coping with (enabling) my XH that that is their primary focus.

I think I will just have to stand strong and stay neutral in my communication with him. I like the idea of same time every day, that is comfortable, obviously not every day... but regularly. And to limit it to a sensible time, so it doesn't hype everyone up before dinner.

I guess I am finding it all so hard as I am not used to considering my own needs and feelings in the 'relationship', so am constantly being too pleasing and nice which ends up tearing me up inside. It makes it harder to come to terms with what is a sensible and healthy balance for everyone, but reading all these posts is really affirming. Thank you.