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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

not fair..but i guess life isn't.

17 replies

Eddie2009 · 09/05/2012 21:01

I haven't been on here for ages lol...I get annoyed the fact that I'm the one doing all the hard graft, the worrying, the guilt yet the father/s get the good bits when they want as they want, the happy kids cause they've not seen them in a while yet your the one doing all the hard work! grr just needed to get that out..

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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bluebell8782 · 09/05/2012 21:52

Well the children could always go live with their dad then if that's the case..
Dad's don't always get it easy..they now have to deal with not seeing their children everyday..then get accused of being the 'fun' parent because when they do get to see their children they likely feel (perhaps wrongly) they should make the time extra special which will often mean treats. The NRP can't win..

I'm guessing you have in mind your situation particularly and are just venting which you are right to do..I just think generally while it may seem like the NRP 'gets all the good bits'..that's very untrue..they miss out on all the after-school chats..the day to day life of their child..the bits where you really get to know your child..the NRP has to cram all that in the allotted time they are given.

Waxtart · 09/05/2012 22:08

Lots of NRPs bluebell don't want that sort of involvement though.

I understand what you mean Eddie. I'm in a similar position. I don't get so cross about being the one to do it all now because I've stopped expecting him to want to do anything - but yes, it can irritate me that to him she appears to be optional. If he decides he can't see her when he is due to, or that he can't take any annual leave during school holidays, or won't pay anything towards her, it means it's down to me to pick up the pieces. I think when I get tired because I'm doing 2 jobs, all the running around, all the sorting out of costumes for school, dentists etc etc and paying for everything it can hit me harder.

But I think I've come to realise that it's a blessing for me in a way, as I know her in a way he doesn't, he is missing out on doing things with her, knowing what she is doing and what she is achieving. It's his choice and his loss - but ultimately I am sad for dd that she doesn't have the relationship with him that I'd like him to have.

bluebell8782 · 09/05/2012 22:20

I know you are right Wax..that is very sad. But there are an awful lot of dads who do want to be involved but tend to get pushed to the side. I guess you hear more about the wasters as no one is going to write a thread about how wonderfully involved their ex is with the children! Going by what you have said though..your DD is lucky to have you and your bond can only be stronger because of it.

corlan · 09/05/2012 22:58

It's not fair Eddie - I'm in the same boat as you with 2 XP's who don't do any of the hard graft and just seem to want to be 'fun time' dads.

Kids work it out though - they know who has been there for them when the chips were down.

mampam · 10/05/2012 07:37

I'm in the same boat Eddie. Whilst I love running around after the DC's and it is hard to have to deal with the day to day issues (like a very hormonal 12 year old!) sometimes it just grates on me that I'm doing all the hard work whilst their father dips in and out of their lives as and when he pleases. Believe me it's all or nothing with him. And just to rub my nose in it he pays absolutely nothing towards them, not a penny and to make matters even worse he and his wife have just had another baby. So he can afford his youngest two children but not his eldest two.

Can I just say that I often come to this thread as it gives me faith that not all nrp are shits. I think that the stepmums and NRFathers on here are something that dreams are made of

MrGin · 10/05/2012 07:41

We're not all feckless idiots.

And less of the lolling ......

ToothbrushThief · 10/05/2012 07:54

Swap the word for parent Mr Gin.

I agree that parenting is a lifetime task and not one that can be forgotten when you get a better offer.

I know there are some lovely Dads out there who support their children in every way possible. (Mainly because I've been told this though....)

My DC have a father who could see them whenever - we have flexible contact. It's so flexible he doesn't, unless asked... 45 mins in the last month and that was because I delivered them. He doesn't pay CM. CSA involved but still nothing. So I'm with the OP sharing the frustration of bearing the brunt of child rearing alone... whilst the other parent offers nothing but due to the nature of child/parent relationships they still adore him. For exactly that reason I don't say anything to them and I drive them to see him for the few minutes he can spare (takes longer for my return journey)

Happylander · 10/05/2012 09:22

I totally agree with you but I am still at the bitter twisted stage. My ex said he can't afford to come see DS but then swans off on a long weekend to Venice with OW!!

I asked him to have DS so I could go to a hen do of a friend I have known for over 15years and he said yes but text me yesterday to say he can't have him now as he is going to a function.

All of the fun and one of the responsibility. Grrrrrrr!!!!!

3xcookedchips · 10/05/2012 09:27

Good dads
Bad dads
Good mums
Bad mums

They're all out there - quite possibly in equal measures...

elastamum · 10/05/2012 10:04

But there are not on here looking for support cooked chips - are you a LP??

Original poster

Eddie2009 · 10/05/2012 14:50

I didn't mean to presume all NRP are like that i was just venting about mine, i have not stopped them contacting or having as much contact as they want..in fact i would like them to have more contact the older two's df is better now than he was but the youngest df seems to think that a phone call to a 2 yr old is ok and that the 2 yr old knows he's his dad even though he hasnt' seen him in 6 months ( he left when he was just over 1) ...i know he doesn't have much ££ but when he got together with a ex gf he was really quick to get down here ( he lives 200 miles away). I obviously understand that it's harder for him to have or see him eveyr weekend or whatnot but..6 months and no confirmed plans for any visits in the near future..

I know my kids will be alright...i was just letting out some steam..and once again didn't mean to offend anyone :)

OP posts:

corlan · 10/05/2012 15:27

Eddie - feel free to vent away. This is a really good place to do it as there are a lot of people who know and understand what you are going through.

You didn't offend anyone - except perhaps those who are looking for something to offend them.

MrGin · 10/05/2012 15:28

Didn't offend me. except with the lols :)

corlan · 10/05/2012 15:30

LOL

bluebell8782 · 10/05/2012 16:14

Vent away Eddie - that's what these forums are for! I joined Mumsnet just for that reason - less moany conversations between OH and I. Now for somewhere he can join to release all that pent up conversation about windsurf boards ....

ToothbrushThief · 10/05/2012 19:17

I agree with corlan - vent away. It's bloody tough parenting alone.

and I'm lolling a lot

In fact I am lolling a lot that someone can come on here and say not fair but I guess life isn't have a very short little whinge about the difficulty of being a single parent with an unsupportive other parent and get responses dismissing them by suggesting the other parent really deserves sympathy or pointing out that lots of bad parents exist.... well yeh but it's her here and now that's stressful? What's so difficult about acknowledging that?

AmIthatbad · 10/05/2012 20:10

Eddie - I'm with you on this It's not fair, is it, and we are all entitled to have a moan about it.

ExP lives 5 minutes away and can have as much access as he wants - he just rarely bothers.

I try never to ask to suit me ( if I wanted a night out, for example) but only when DD asks when she is going to see her Dad - he is the one who decided that once this year so far and a grand total of three times last year is being a good father.

The only one limiting the time with his daughter is himself and his prioritisation of his social life over everything

I also posted on another thread, as I have also had to sacrifice my career progression to look after DD as I can't just go for the jobs I want, as I have to deal with everything else myself. I turn down social occasions, as I have DD. And I am the one with the headache of covering all school holidays, in-service and numerous medical appointments.

He does whatever the hell he wants. And he sees her so infrequently, it's like a huge treat for her to see her Dad. All down to him.

So, Eddie I totally empathise - and I think that lots of us would agree with your OP, not be offended

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