Child doesn't wish to see Father, Father wants access

[twinkletoes12]

Me and my ex have split soon to file for divorce, my DC doesnt wish to see him.
There are reasons for this, ex would be violent towards us.
He has sent a solicitors letter in reponse to mine, he wants access.
What do I do? DC is terrified of the idea. Scream and shouts, cries.
I will deny access as long as I can, but can they still make my DC see ex if DC is like this?
And will the divorce depend on access being resolved?

I think you need to talk to Social services, your local women's aid outreach worker and a solicitor.

You are allowed to stop access with reasonable cause but you MUST make a good paper trail to show why you have kept DC and father apart.

Have the police been involved at all, is there documentation of injuries with GP or A and E or other witnesses??

How old is DC?

Violent to you or the dc? How old are they?

There are contact centres for this kind of thing

DC is 5. I never went to A & E with DC he would smack so no lasting injuries.
CAF are involved and school know alot. I did have evidence on my phone but broke the damn thing a few months back and was told its going to cost alot to repair, if at all.
DC has witnessed the abuse towards me too.
I have two DC one is too young really to understand but when I asked DC said no they didnt want to see ex.
But when DC 5 talks about ex theres full on scared-ness, crying, screaming saying thats not what they want.
Surely its not fair to put DC in that enviroment and situation at a contact centre.
I can't stress enough the fear DC has, Dc was witness to ex trying to kill me via drug overdose and blames DC'S self. Its an awful mess.

Solicitor. First thing tomorrow.

I have one. denied access, but I think he is going to push all the way to the end and wants to see them.
I have little evidence, my word against his and DC as my witness who is a nervous wrecked whenever its brought up. I am so scared for DC. Dc is begging me not to make them see ex asking me to promise :'(

What do you mean by 'brought up'?

You will likely get seen by cafcass and they may try and facilitate access without you present. Works that way in a contact centre too. Do you think your ds is reacting to you and your feelings about his dad?

Yes, solicitor ( a good one ie experienced in family litigation with experience of domestic abuse...your local womens aid will have a list .) Check for one with first consult free..but go armed with as many facts as possible.

ask the school to keep excellent documentation if Dc says anything about home situation with non-leading questions.

be aware that school may HAVE to report to social services if they feel it is a safety issue. This would be GOOD for you as it is an independent referral.

Even if contact is ordered it could be indirect (letter, telephone, skype) it could be under direct supervision by professional, it could be at a contact centre which ensures behaviour (though not necessarily what is said) to be monitored.

Do not despair, do not panic...hopefully you will be able to navigate successfully.

The divorce will only be possible once finances and children are sorted.

You need evidence your reports to police or other agencies . Evidence he tried to kill you.
If he presents well then realistically
It may be that contact centre is ordered but ask for fully supervised . For dc reaction to be recorded.

brought up... whenever ex is brought into convo. I never bring him up its always DC that does. I havent slagged off my ex to DC, I know better than to upset DC more .
I have one of the best solicitors for family law in my town too.
I know he will end up with access as I have very little evidence, but i also know it will be in a contact centre. Dc's school know everything, and have told CAF. There was a mention of bringing SS into it, but then they didnt act upon this. with I wish they would.
Ex is moving a 2 hours drive away soon with his mistress, so I am guessing access wont be often, but then I was told he wanted 2 afternoons a week...?

if is contact centre then depends on availability but likely to be once a fortnight initially.
if it goes well then will build up.
what about his new partner do you trust her around your dc? if so she might temper his temper.

I do not trust her one bit. She has a child of her own but there are issues there... I would not let her near my kids either. Her daughter was a victim to abuse that was all over the national papers last year, and she knew for sometime apparently and put a blind eye to it.

twinkletoes I had exactly your situation when my DS was small.
For many years he protested that he didn't want to see his dad. DV was also involved in this case.

Against my better judgement, I often made DS go. The tears, screams, protestations and arguments went on for years. Finally (since DS was 13, he's now 15) he has his own free will and doesn't want to see his dad still, so doesn't go.

I wish that I had been strong enough to stick up for DS; sometimes I let him stay with me but more often than not I would make him go.
Now I know it was a mistake.
I believe that the courts would not have enforced access. I should have kept him with me where he felt safe.

I really hope you can be strong enough to do what's right for your DCs and the authorities can support you.