Genuine Question - mum stopping dad seeing kids

[MadameChinLegs]

Sister is married to a man who has three teenage children with his previous girlfriend. She and he have a little daughter.

The mother of his teenage children has, on and off, permitted or blocked access to their children for reasons I dont know. BIL has now been told that he will not see them, they will not be allowed to come to his house or meet up with him etc. (age 10,12,14).

Sister was talking about this to me, as the last time I saw her she was discussing them all going on holiday together (not the ex, just the kids and them). She told me they no longer see the teens due to BILs ex "stopping him". I asked what steps they were making / who they were speaking to in order to establish some contact. She told me that they "can't do anything about it as it would cost thousands".

I really do not know anything about the legalities, intricacies, of these arrangements, and really do not want to judge BIL (as my first thought was "thousands? But these are your children?"). So, I am asking, does it cost thousands? Is there any way he can arrange contact with them, maybe due to their age, that supercedes what their mother is saying.

OR....am I right to think about BIL as I fear that there may be part of him, however small, that thinks it's not worth the 'hassle'....if this is the case, I am worried for my sister as god forbid her and he split, would he want to see my neice.

I know this can be an emotive subject, and though I am a prolific poster, this is my first time on these boards. I have tried to word the above correctly as I really do not want to cause offence or start a bunfight. I'm just getting a 'red flags' feeling about BIL.

In order not to drip feed he also has another much older DD who he does not see from a relationship before his last one.

Thanks in advance.

it can happen that mums stop dads seeing children.

dh's ex did.

he has had to go to court on 3 separate occasions to reestablish contact. the last time alone cost about £10k, and the result? not much change, tbh.

dh has always been a good dad - maintenance on time, school fees paid, and extras paid, and has always wanted to have proper contact with his children. no information was shared form schools, he was never told about matches/sports fixtures/school plays until virtually the day before (not the case that the information was only known the day before, just that he wasn't told). then, when he couldn't make it, she woudl tell the childrne that 'daddy didn't want to come'

technically, yes, he could arrange contact with them - if they want to see him. but don't underestimate the fact that they may not want to upset their mum, and so may say they don't want to see him...

He could file his application to court and just pay that one off fee..... He could represent himself, speak to families need fathers and have a mckenzie friend assist him..... All costs nothing

If it's a straightforward case, then the judge would listen to what the children want, and with the absence of welfare issues, he would be given good access.

Does he know this? Not all dads do.

It's the solicitors who cost the money

Suggest mediation. See if he acts on it

It isn't just the money.

My brother was stopped from seeing his child, his ex made sure their child became fully involved with the ins and outs of the court case. My brother stopped because it was causing his child too much distress. It was basically upset your mum or upset your dad.

He said when they are ready, he'll always be here.
It took six years but he now sees his child again.

It was awful and It was a good example of how not to use children as a weapon.

If it's a straightforward case, then the judge would listen to what the children want, and with the absence of welfare issues, he would be given good access.

The judge will listen to what the children say (to CAFCASS) in a short interview; what the DC's want is not actually explored in depth.

It is a vicious circle for some DC's. They have lost one parent because contact has been withheld, and they fear losing the other if they displease them, by saying they want contact, for instance. So the DC's go along with the RP wishes, because they don't want to upset/anger the only parent that they have left in their lives.

At their age, it is unlikely that a contact order will be issued - my DP's ex was issued with a "court recital" stating that she must facilitate contact subject to her DD's specific wishes. In other words, if her DD tells her that she wants to see her Dad, then as the resident parent, she must allow it. Within weeks, DD was sobbing as she told her Dad on the phone that she got into trouble if she said that she wanted to see him. They have been estranged for over a year

It is not unusual for fathers to give up in this situation - either before or after court proceedings. Not only is there a financial cost, but the emotional strain and time that needs to be invested can cost relationships and jobs.

Thank you all for the responses. I will talk to my sister when I next see her about both of your suggestions Olympia2012 and see whether they are open to advice. I don't want to 'over-involve' myself but similarly I would hate for them to not be fully informed of what they could do next and almost miss the opportunity.

I was a little confused as to why he couldn't at least communicate with the DCs as they all have their own mobiles and one or two of them are on Facebook so I thought they could at least still talk but now I see that some DCs don't want to rock the apple cart and upset the RP. I hadn't thought of it from that viewpoint before.

my stepchildren had their own mobiles - they were told they shouldn't 'waste' credit in calling dh. and the mobiles were never charged up unless they were needed to get in touch with their mum

dh had a phone line installed in their mum's house (she agreed - he paid costs and all bills) so that they could contact him, at any time, with no cost to her. she refused to leave a phone plugged into it, so the dc had to ask her for a phone in oder ot call their dad. they didn't bother often, as it was 'too much hassle'.

dh bought a computer, so they could email him and keep in contact without going through their mum. the phone cable was removed, so they had to ask her to connect to the internet - same result. again, all internet costs were paid by dh.

there are so many ways a resident parent can influence the chidren, and make it so hard for them to keep in contact with their other parent. most times, it is just too hard for the childrne to stand up to a parent who clearly does not want contact to happen.

I'm a father and my children are with me a lot.

But I can see why some men withdraw, I think it's a defence mechanism.
If I wasn't allowed to see mine, or it was made very difficult it would be horrific.

Ok... A different point of view here... I agree with you... I'm afraid of my ex, he was abusive to me, and also to my child.. I know how it feels to be totally heart broken at seeing my child mistreated by his dad, I know about being afraid of the sound of the postbox at the thought of yet another solicitor letter arriving. And the anxiety of not having enough money to pay legal fees to put things straight. I'm terrified of the damage and hurt the ex can do to me and my child if we put a toe out of line.

Yes, it is a hassle, it is incredibly expensive and emotionally crushing to try to sort things in benefit of ds at court, I dream with the days that I didn't have to worry constantly about what the ex is going to do next... have I walked off? No way, I will walk this walk a thousand times, I would stick pins in my eyes but turning my back on my own child because his other parent is an absolute nightmare? No way.

Having said that, ds has a mobile phone, envelopes, stamps, skype and every possible way to contact his dad if he so wishes. Does he? Not often, he is afraid of him. Does his dad seeks contact? No, he has declined every opportunity to increase contact that I have put forward. But if you ask my ex why he doesn't have contact with his child, he would burst out into tears and say that his ex doesn't allow him to have contact, and to be honest I 'm not surprised... It should be easier to blame the lack of contact on me than to accept he is a rubbish dad.

Obviously, there are a lot of spiteful resident parents who do not act on the best interests of their children, but there are also a huge amount of non resident parents that do not bother about their children. Fortunately, the great majority of separated parents care enough about their children to foster and protect the right that children have to be in contact with both parents.

If he represents himself (with a cheap/free McKenzie Friend, it will c

If he represents himself (with a cheap/free McKenzie Friend, it will cost £200 for the application fees (plus any loss of earnings for the court appearances).

The older 2 children could possibly say they dont want to see Dad and the courts would listen at their age.

If you have a "red flag feeling" Op it would be unreasonable not to agree with Piglet that there may be genuine reasons why his children are not texting/phoning/facebooking their DF.

my own DCs (younger) are free to telephone their DF at any time and know it (they have no direct contact due to abuse issues) I instigate Skype once per week but it is rare that they answer yes if I suggest phoning or take the phone if their youngest sibling has got in touch with him.
Some children have reasons for leaving well alone that are nothing to do with the resident parent.