My principles are being challenged!

[PlainClothed]

DD (11) has been in a 50:50 shared care arrangement since her Dad and I split/divorced three years ago.

It has not been easy - his combination of a difficult personality coupled with a belief that I'm going to use the mother-bias system to exclude him from DD's life has resulted in some very challenging incidents, to put it politely!

I have always strongly believed that unless I think that DD is at risk, I have no right to try and influence what happens when she is in her Dads care.....I'm not stupid enough to believe that my way of parenting is the best and only way, and I think that that it is actually good for DD to experience different boundaries, rules and privileges.

However, I'm increasingly unhappy about his plans for the summer holidays. As background, at the back end of last year I agreed that DD could spend an extra week with her Dad at Easter just gone, so that they could go abroad on holiday with his parents, sister and fiancée. There was no suggestion of reciprocation (I didn't ask) - but soon after I agreed to the extra week, exH changed his working hours and changed DD after-school care arrangements (giving no notice), so that DD no longer came to me after school every day. So far this year, I have agreed a number of changes that has resulted in DD spending more than 50% of her time with her Dad; I rarely say no when he asks for additional time, as it's always for something special - although recently I have told him I am unlikely to agree to requests in the future.

Anyway, I have found out that DD will be spending one of the weeks that she is not with me during the summer holidays staying with exH parents over 100 miles away, because he is working and can't get more time off work. DD is also spending the October half-term week at their house as exH will be on honeymoon.

I don't think that she is going to be at risk in their care; they are capable of meeting her needs and keeping her safe. But, she will be miles from her friends and holiday activities which I think are important During previous visits (that I didn't know about until afterwards), exMIL has taken DD to the Dr to get treatment for a rash that ExH and I were already aware of and treating. Another time, DD said she spend a whole day playing board games with herself because there was nothing to do.

WIBU to tell exH that I would prefer DD to spend those weeks with me as I think she would be better off here? She sees her grandparents regularly (and spent two weeks with them at Easter), so it's not as if I would be interfering with their relationship. If it makes a difference, I have never left DD in the care of anyone else overnight since the split.

I have this problem whereby my ex continually leaves DD with others (always responsbile people who she loves i.e. grandparents, his fiance etc) and it gets to me for two reasons 1, i never leave her with anyone. not because I don't think she should be left, but because I beleive that as our time together is diminished because of the time she spends with Dad, I get enough free time as it is and time with her is precious. and 2, She is missing valuable time with her Dad.
If I'm honest, reason one is most gaulling to me so I say very little, if anything as I feel it is my issue and I really shouldn't let it get to me that he "gets away with" such little responsibility and parenting.

It also annoys me that his maintenance is pro-rated for the time she's with him yet she spends much of this with other people. So if you're asking if it's unreasonable to feel the way you do I would say HELL NO! But should you ask to have your daugther during that time..? Not sure... If you and he were together she would potencially be spending that time with grandparents etc. We spent weeks on end at relatives houses bored when we were kids and it did us no harm!

I would personally let sleeping dogs lie, and enjoy a little rest... I think... Not 100% though.

That's a tricky one, on the one hand spending the holidays with Grandparents is a great thing for your DD, even if it is boring. It's a great opportunity to get to know them and their way of living and spend the time somewhere different - a holiday form the normal. On the other hand, it does take away from her time with you. When she is with you do you in the holidays do you normally go away? Try to make the most of your time with her whatever it is you do.

I would love someone (ex, his family or my family) to take my DS for some of the holidays, I think it would be good for him and also mean less time in childcare, and more money to spend on going away.

As she's 11, have you discussed this with her and asked her what she would prefer to do?

Also, why is the after school childminder changing days/times on his say-so? Can you change it back and tell the CM not to make any amendments without confirming it with you first?

Do you have a court order? If not, you should go and get one, so your/his contact times are set in stone. Get a solicitor's advice in the first instance.

What would your ex say if you simply offered to have her with you those weeks?

If he'd agree, and you can get enough time off work, then that would be ideal surely.

If he'd say no because he feels it would be "losing" some of his quota of time then the only thing I can think you could do would be bring up the issue of the extra week at Easter and ask if you could have one of the weeks when he can't actually look after her instead.

fanny I don't use childcare, I work flexibly from home, so can be here all the time for her over the holidays; we can't afford to go away, but there are loads of things to do round here, and I get some "perks" with work I do that gives us days out at theme parks etc

kitty - my poor use of words, sorry - there was no childminder - exH's after school childcare was me! DD used to come to me every day after school, even during exH weeks because he was working and she didn't want to go to ASC, but one day I got a solicitors letter telling me that she would no longer be coming here as he had changed his working hours. DD and I had plans for the following week, so she missed out, and he wasn't prepared to budge - and of course, couldn't stop him picking her up from school without there being an almighty scene.

I won't get a CO, not now, I've spoken to a solicitor - we'll just be issued a "joint residency" order with contact as agreed between us - DD is old enough to express her wishes and it has worked for three years, so the court won't change it now.

purple He would say no because that's just the way he is! He would accuse me of sidelining him, excluding him and his parents from DD life, of brainwashing DD if a dare to ask her what she wants, and of having double standards because I recently told him that I would be unlikely to agree to future requests from him to have extra time. His passive aggressive response is to accuse me of not caring about DD, of not putting my loathing of him to one side so that DD's needs can be put first - you name it, he trots them out

It's so difficult to deal with - DD has got to an age that she knows he is odd, but also feels emotionally responsible for him, so sometimes she goes along with what he wants because if she disagrees, he will (in her words) "end up in a heap on the floor"

I still don't know what to do - I'm going to wait for DD to get through her SATS and enjoy half-term with her; then see what happens. I'm particularly pissed off about October half-term because he only emailed me a few weeks ago asking for me to confirm arrangements up to Christmas so he could book the wedding - once he knew that DD was going to be with him for that half term, he booked the wedding date so that he is away on honeymoon for the week

Goodness how utterly infuriating re booking the honeymoon!!
I don't think that asking her what she wants to do is a great idea, it sets too many a scary precedent and undermines her Dad.
See how half term goes as you say. I think you might have to just live with this one if he won't see reason in afraid. Although its shit.
My ex will say to me "ooh I've planned a lovely girly weekend for dd with fiancé, they're really looking forward to it!" when actually he's just booked yet another weekend away with his mates and us using fiancé as free childcare. Its probably my fault that she doesn't come here as I've made it clear in the past that I'm not his fall back childcare and that his time with our dd is his responsibility. I thought it would mean they spent more time together and he would become more organised but no... He just palms her off on someone else