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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

little dilemma...

12 replies

Happylander · 07/05/2012 21:57

I have just started seeing this lovely guy that I have known for a while before dating him but I really don't want to be playing happy families etc for a while. However, I now no longer have a car and I work long shifts and he works shifts too so meeting up is a bit of a nightmare. He has offered to pick me up from work and then go pick up my DS from my mums so that a) I am not walking back late with a dog and a toddler b) it means I get home before 21:30 and therefore DS gets to bed earlier c) that we get to spend some time together. I have said that I am not entirely happy with this as it means DS is meeting him before I would like him too. I already feel guilty that DS has woken up early before he had chance to leave on the only time he has stayed at my house.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 07/05/2012 22:00

How old is DS?

You sound very "head screwed on" about the whole thing, is it because you're not sure of the potential of a relationship with said guy?

Can you not introduce him as a friend to your DS?

purpleroses · 07/05/2012 22:06

As your DS is just a toddler, I wouldn't worry about your DS if it's what you want to do. You might want to suggest your BF brings a book to read, or stick the telly on for him for a bit whilst you settle DS when you get back though - make it clear that this is time for you and DS and then your BF can have your attention when DS is in bed.

I had quite a few short-ish term relationships before I met my now DP - and letting them meet your kids briefly does not have to mean playing happy families.

I always took the attitude that I had friends (of either sex) round fairly often and that a boyfriend was no different. And until my DS was about 8 I don't think he had any idea what a boyfriend was (though my DD was clued up a little younger I think)

The other thing I would do though is to make sure if he is staying over that he does meet your DS in the evening before, and that you tell him he'll be staying over (and in your bed, if that's the arrangement). It's a bit alarming for them if they come in in the night and find someone there they'd not expected. But even if you BF stays over, your DS isn't going to start thinking "here's my new stepdad" for a long while.

southeastmum · 07/05/2012 22:25

this is easy, you already have your answer here " I am not entirely happy with this as it means DS is meeting him before I would like him too"
stick to your own guts I would say ;-)

Original poster

Happylander · 07/05/2012 22:48

I am sure of a potential relationship with this guy and I have had way more laughs and it is way more relaxed than it ever was with ex just always thought it would be wrong to introduce someone so soon. I always thought you should be going out with someone for a while before that happened however, I did not really fully understand the logistics of it until now! 2 people working shifts = nightmare!

I have plenty of friends coming to house and even staying as I have friends all over the place so he is well used to people being here and I doubt it will alarm him and he has even met him before we started dating. I suppose I just feel bad as I asked ex to wait a while before introducing OW to DS feel a bit hypocritical but on the other hand he has no childcare issues with his relationship with OW as he just doesn't bother turning up to see DS if he wants to do something with her.

DS is 2.5 by the way.

OP posts:

MilkshakeMaker · 17/05/2012 08:09

You have to do what ever you feel comfortable with I'm in a similar situation except ds is besotted with dp and i constantly feel i've messed up and wonder if i should just end it now to save dp getting hurt. I've tried talking to a friend about it but only a lp can understand it as friend thinks i'm being silly.

If you have a gut feeling, dont fight it its there for a reason...

MilkshakeMaker · 17/05/2012 08:09

woops, save ds being hurt, not dp!

Original poster

Happylander · 17/05/2012 16:17

Thanks for replies and advice. Well I just went ahead and DS has now met him and it is all fine although I get pushed aside when he is here as DS just wants to play with him and not me LOL.

All is going well and I am having a lovely time

OP posts:

MilkshakeMaker · 17/05/2012 20:08

Well I'm really pleased for you, And if you could send me some of that confidence that would be great!!

Original poster

Happylander · 18/05/2012 08:16

Well the way I saw it in the end was that you can't guarantee anyone being around,, I mean let's face it, his father walked out after promising the world so I may as well go for it. He still hasn't spent the day with us and I think that will not be for while but the odd few hours aren't going to seriously damage DS. Plus I also get to see what he is like with DS before it gets too serious between us it must be awful to get well loved up with someone only to find their is a clash between them and your child.

Some confidence coming your way. xx

OP posts:

MilkshakeMaker · 18/05/2012 18:03

I've known dp for almost 5 years and I can see it lasting a very long time with him, i think thats what bothers me!
I think i'm just being pathetic and need to get a grip, I should be pleased i've met someone that likes ds and vice versa, It is the 3 years or what ever time bit that I worry about, ds will have grown up with dp there(he's 2.7) and if his dad cant stick around why would dp.

Reading that aloud tho it just sounds like I have issues (like everyone else) and I need to trust good things can happen.

Sorry to railroad your thread!! Thank you!! xx

Original poster

Happylander · 18/05/2012 21:26

Well I think the same but thought you can't worry about what might happen as the I think the worst thing already has i.e. his dad walking out for some whore woman.

Actually I think he is more likely to stick around as he knew what he was getting into in regards to childcare/babysitting not being able to go out at the drop of a hat/lots of nights in. Does that make sense?

Hope yours works out. xx

OP posts:

MilkshakeMaker · 18/05/2012 22:18

Fingers crossed for the pair of us..and everyone else on here too!

Thanks again tho, it really has been playing on my mind for weeks but i dont feel so stressed about it now. I love MN!!

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