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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

violent ex demanding contact (not parent)

14 replies

njhc · 06/05/2012 08:14

hello can anyone help me or give me any information as to where i stand? i will try to keep this short.
i have just recieved a solicitors letter sent to my work from my ex partner demanding contact with my son. he is not my sons father, my son is 7 years old.
we had a very on/off relationship that spanned out over 5 years. he was an extremely abusive partner, an alcoholic and a complete narcissist. he was constantly physically violent and emotionally abusive. he was arrested several times but never charged as i always dropped charges. i also had to be treated in hospital a few times. he is extremely manipulative and during my time with him i was an emotional wreck, life was awful.
the last time we got back together i had left him for a year, during that time he got sober and became an active member of AA. with his constant pressurising to get back together i decided to give him another chance, this time it lasted around 5 or 6 months before i knew things hadnt really changed that much. he wasnt drinking or physically abusive but still very contolling and emotionally unstable. we have now been completely seperated for 18 months and i know i will never go back. during this time he has constantly harrassed me asking to get back together and to see my son.i have even had to move house. a few months ago i contacted the police who asked him to leave me alone but to be honest the police even made me feel bad about keeping my son away as he had charmed them into believing he is now mr perfect. he has now been sober 3 years, has a good job and spends his spare time travelling and talking about AA.
He did have a good relationship with my son, although the arguing, the violence and smashing up my home was always done infront of him and he does remember. he has a great relationship with his father and sees him regularily. my son understands that sometimes boyfriends come and go but his dad is always there.
i do not want my ex to come back into our lives, life has been great since i am finally free. i am really worried, i will ignore this letter but i know the next step would be an application through the courts for contact. has he any chance of it being granted?

OP posts:

mamababa · 06/05/2012 08:33

Wouldn't think so, he really has no link to your DS.

footflapper · 06/05/2012 08:40

I doubt he'll get access. He's not the childs father. Maybe see a solicitor just to stop you from worrying? x

footflapper · 06/05/2012 08:40

I doubt he'll get access. He's not the childs father. Maybe see a solicitor just to stop you from worrying? x

NotaDisneyMum · 06/05/2012 08:48

If your ex was part of your family (ie lived with your DS/you) for two years or more, then he does have the right to apply for a contact order.
If not, then he will have to apply to the court for permission to apply for a CO - if that makes sense?

He would need to prove that it is in your DS best interest to have contact with him.

I don't think you need to worry, but perhaps you could get some legal advice to reassure you?

Original poster

njhc · 06/05/2012 09:06

thank you everyone.
he lived with me for around a year but that was 3 years ago, there is nothing to prove this. he has completely exagerated his involvement with my son to his solicitor saying he was primary carer etc.
im worried it will get to the point where people will ask my son what he wants, he did have a good relationship and i think he would like to see him again.

OP posts:

seaofyou · 06/05/2012 09:13

I am shocked NotaDisney
I didn't know that!

njch what if you met with ex and say to him he did enough damage to say 'MY' ds and I do not wish 'MY' ds to have to go through that emotional upset again....if he says he wants to say sorry...say you accept that as 'DS mum' but do not want contact as ds settled now and we have moved on....maybe say you have a new partner also (don't say living with you) but to say to ex YOU have moved on...as it sounds like he wants to rewind and start again sober...but it is too late you drew a line after you gave him another chance....it possibly is his guilt on what he lost...yes a family!

Just wondered if this worth a short to avoid court as he could win as NotaDisney pointed out?

My ds abusive biological df doesn't want to know his ds exsists....I find this strange non bio man....he obv thought of ds as his own and hurt as much as a bio df....do you think ex has changed? I mean good intentions to ds?

I know a man who has kept in contact with the dc...but I know deep down it is to keep a link as would have mum back in a flash.....this why I suggest mentioning to ex you have a new man in your life and you are moving on....he may well drop it then if it is YOU he wants but if truly ds then I guess he will prceed to court.

Does ds want contact with ex btw?

Original poster

njhc · 06/05/2012 09:29

seaofyou... over the years my ex will not accept i just want to move on, he has always made me feel guilty about my son thats why i have taken him back so many times. yes of course he realises he has lost a family but i am not willing to give him any more chances.
my son probably would like to see my ex but i am not prepared to put myself through any more stress or my son through any more confusion. he sees his biological father all the time, i think that is enough. my ex is manipulative, puts ideas in my sons mind, will cry infront of him and make me look like a bad mother. he tells my son he is his dad aswell. he introduces my son as his son to everyone, even though they are different races.
i dont want to say i have a new partner as i dont want it to appear like i am a 'katie price', i am done with men!

OP posts:

seaofyou · 06/05/2012 10:09

It was said to simply get him out of your life...as he isnt going away and almost obsessed about getting back...so saying their was someone else might shatter his delusion and a simple way to get him to stop trying to get back with you rather than having to go through court and risk what NotaDisney stated about his rights.
You and people who matter to you know what the truth is and that is all that counts.

If ds sees his biological df then I hope the courts will see that ds has contact with correct df and that this man has no rights.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/05/2012 10:19

Get legal advice ASAP.

Gather together all proof showing your ex was categorically NOT the main carer ever.

Once you are sure of your legal position then decide on your next move.

I would not personally engage ex at all in any way. Any correspondence he'd get would be very sparse & only through solicitors. Don't lie or anything about your current situation I don't think that would help it could make him angry.
Don't say or do anything until you are utterly certain of your legal position.

NotaDisneyMum · 06/05/2012 10:28

Does your DS father have PR? In which case, he could also be legally involved if your ex seeks the right to apply for a contact order - does he know what's going on?

Original poster

njhc · 06/05/2012 11:08

i dont know what proof i could get!! i suppose the proof that when we lived together i only worked 1 or 2 days a week and i have had the same childminder ever since. i definately wont contact him and will get to the law society asap.
yes i have told his dad i got a letter, i am sure he would get involved aswell.
we never 'officially' lived together, everything was always only ever in my name, he was never named on my tenancy, his mail all went to his mums. i suppose i could just deny he ever lived there and totally play down our relationship as it was very off and on. to an extent i am not lying, could i get away with it?

OP posts:

Original poster

njhc · 06/05/2012 11:10

yes, his dad has pr

OP posts:

purpleroses · 06/05/2012 22:15

Doesn't sound like there's any way he'd get any contact. The onus would be on him to prove he lived with you, was the main carer, etc - can't see how he could do this if the house was in your name, child benefit in your name, you paid the childminder, etc, etc. Best not to lie as such, but to play down the relationship if you're asked - just stick to the facts that you've mentioned here.. And point out your DS already has contact with his dad and only has so much time in the week.

MagicHouse · 06/05/2012 22:26

It doesn't sound like you'd need to "play down" the relationship really - you said yourself it was very on/off - you never jointly owned anything or even officially lived together (his address was his mother's all through your relationship - he would need to admit lying about this if he pushed his case) - you had sole financial responsibility for all bills (which would presumably make it difficult for him to start claiming he was the main carer). You had hospital treatment, the police have asked him to leave you alone. He trashed the house in front of your son. I would think a good solicitor would be able to make a solid case for it not being in ANY WAY in your son's interests to see this man (especially if his father could back you up fully.)

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