Not sure i have done the right thing..

[Sam1973]

I have posted previously about my recent split with my partner-(he moved out just over a week ago)

DC were supposed to be staying at their dads tonight and then i got a phone call saying DS wanted to come home. I could hear him crying in the background. I went to pick him up and then DD wanted to come home as well. Turns out their dad had told them off for arguing.

As i was there i brought them home but now im not sure i should have done. I have explained to them that their dad still has the right to discipline them and they cant come home every time he does. But i couldnt bear to hear DS so heartbroken.

What would you have done?

Sounds like it's an issue between you and their dad. He was the one who rang you and perhaps he needs to have a think about how he will deal with the issue in the future, not you.

How old are DC?

I don't think he should have called you unless they are very little.

DS is 9 and DD is 5

Was he a good dad when living at home?

Can you talk with him and see if not calling you would work better, the last thing you want is the DC thinking they can run home after every telling off.

He hasnt got much patience but overall he would say he is a good dad. He is ex army and i think sometimes he thinks he is still in the army!!

But he does love his children very much, however i have always done the majority of the looking after them so i think he is struggling a bit having them on his own...

I'm sure after only a few days of you living separately the children are still in shock. If making a big fuss gets mummy and daddy in the same room then there maybe hope that you can all live together again (in their eyes).

Assuming no special needs and if you are sure of the love and care their father can provide then you and he need to agree what you are going to do next time before it happens. Discuss times when you would want to know e.g. illness possibly requiring a doctor, or a change of plans for the child like a play date which impacts on you, and then it's a matter of everyone getting used to how things are now.

what if it just starts for few hours in day and builds up slowly as it often takes a while for dc to get used to their df esp if was away a lot re army. maybe it is exh not coping? A harder job than what he thought?

It has also been a traumatic time for you all and you all need to readjust esp your dc...so possibly overnight to much to soon?

He shouldn't of rung you really.
His contact weekend so his rules...kids soon learn what is acceptable in one home may not be in the other etc

Trouble is next time he has them and dad tells them off the kids will expect him to ring you and you'll go pick them up again but I totally understand it's not nice to hear you dc crying on the phone.....

We talked yesterday and laid done some ground rules and then told the kids. They cant come home just because they have been told off and i am only to get a phone call if they are ill enough to need a doctor or different arrangements need to be made.

They slept there last night and i didnt hear anything- i even went out for a few drinks with friends (first time since split-felt really weird..)

Going to pick them up shortly :)

Yay ! Good for you Sam,

My dd's common response when I tell her off is ' want mummy, want mummy's home'

I'd feel I'd slightly failed as a parent if I felt I couldn't tell her off now and again.