Letting your child develop their interests and hobbies whilst still seeing their dad

[bosunandisis]

I am clueless how to deal with this and really want to avoid conflict.

My son is 10 and working really hard at his swimming. He plays waterpolo, has swimming lessons and attends swimming club twice a week. He's now being asked to play in matches and attend swimming galas but they always seem to coincide with his bi weekly visits to his father (who has a new partner and 2 small children). So the chances of doing well despite all his hard work are diminishing.

He loves his dad and half siblings but finds it really hard that he has to not take part in these the matches and galas, let alone parties, disco's, musical workshops, school events because so often they clash with his scheduled visits to his dad.

His dad lives 100 miles away so cannot take him to them and the focus of his times with his son are that he bonds with his half brother and sister.

I know it's important for both parents to see their children but feel really sorry for my son that he's always missing out on something and unlikely to ever do well at anything as he's got these visits. I also know that this is all going to get worse as he gets older and wants to do more.

So what do I do? His father is completely inflexible about his visits. And if he were to miss a weekend, insists he has him for two weekends in a row to make up for it (the thought of which reduces my son to tears).

I have said that if he wants to tell his dad that he would rather do the galas or compete in a match, I will support him. But he says he's too frightened of his dad to say that. I really do not know how best to support him and feel at 10, it's really unfair that these kinds of decisions should be faced by him anyway.

I would so appreciate any useful suggestions.

Me and XP went to mediation. The officer in charge of the meeting was adamant that the childs interest came first, even down to birthday parties. The non-resident parent needs to be flexible and allow the child to do sport / attend parties. XP was asked to leave mediation after refusing to be flexible, we don't see him.

Your XH needs to realise his son has a life and his own interests he wants (and needs to do). I hope he realises this.

Could he take up any of these activities near his dad's?

It's obviously not easy to be joining teams in two separate places, but could he maybe go to the local pool every time he's there, to keep his practice up?

Otherwise your only options are to try to change his activities to weekday ones or help him to tackle his dad about wanting to change his contact. Could he go for less weekends, but longer in the holidays? Or could he ask his dad, as a one-off to come and stay nearby to where you live (maybe bring the rest of his new family and make a weekend of it) so that he could take part in something important to him?

If his dad thinks that you're trying to reduce contact maybe he'll get difficult with you, but if you just explain that you want to keep the contact up, but help DS to take part in these activities then he should be willing to help work with you to work out what would work best. It's likely to involve a bit of compromises from everyone, but they shouldn't all be from your DS.

The only advice i can offer is mediation.
Your poor ds.

I have a similar issue with my daughter, although she is only 4.5 years old. She loves her extra-curricular activities that I have made sure take place during the week so as to not interfere with contact - dancing, swimming and gymnastics - and she has been asked to compete in all three, which unfortunately happens at weekends. Her father 'dumbs down' these activities and tells her they're stupid and that spending time with him is more important. He once offered to take her to a competition, but she doesn't want him to take her because he will embarrass her by telling her and her friends their activities are stupid and so she chose to miss out instead.

I know you say your son is scared of telling his dad, my daughter doesn't like causing conflict with her father either because she worries he'll blame me - usually because he does! But perhaps if you did let your son have the choice over what he does, this caused him to miss some contact and your sons father took the issue to court then the CAFCASS officer would listen to your sons wishes due to his age. If the father is so inflexible with regards to what your son wants, could he not move closer to you so that he can be a part of it as opposed to it being contact or activities?

Thank you all for what you've written. I've thought about mediation but haven't gone down that route as I'm just so frightened (of his dad and what might happen). His father is very bright and to those that meet him for the first time, comes across as so lovely. It's only when you get to know him..... And where he would relish a fight in court, it leaves me in pieces. And even though my son has lived with me for the 8 years since we split, I'm still scared he would try to take him away.

I have considered the second swimming club option but don't think a club would allow a child to compete for them when they do all their training with someone else. But I'm going to talk to his club about it on Wednesday. When it comes to practice, unfortunately he only gets to go swimming if his little sister has a lesson. And to be fair, with a 1 year old and 4 year old, the focus is on them and not him.

His dad has also been totally inflexible about less visits. I've suggested speaking to him via Skype to increase communication but he struggles to manage one phone call in the two weeks between visits.

In the 20 months we have lived here he has never visited, declined offers to visit school fete's or events and so getting him to take him to swimming events is very unlikely. And he sees every event/activity that my son would like to go to as an attempt by myself to cut his contact. I know he loves him but surely he must want him to grow up and enjoy a full and happy life?

My son is a real softy and it breaks my heart that he should be faced with the choice of missing out on his own life or us all heading to court. But perhaps court is inevitable in the end.

I guess I just need to get brave and be prepared for the fight that is coming. Not what I envisaged for either of us. :-(

I really think you should reconsider mediation - you don't have to agree to anything you feel uncomfortable with even if, as you fear, the mediator finds him lovely as pie. If it did ever get to court you'd be expected to attend mediation first anyway and mediators are not meant to take sides at all - yours or his. I've been amazed at how well mediation can work even when each position seems impossible to reconcile. You haven't got a lot to lose and lots to gain in a much more positive way than court. At the moment you're in a tricky position as every other weekend is the status quo (which the courts love to keep and every other weekend is also a very standard pattern) and I'd respectfully disagree with some of the above posters - the courts will certainly listen to your sons views but at 10 they will not necessarily be definitive.

My background is that my niece and nephew live with their mother about 110 miles away from my brother and my niece is 12. 2 years ago they were in a very similar situation though there sound like there were some significant differences too ie a history of my exSIL cancelling numerous weekends for contradictory reasons and eventually a blanket ban on any term time contact due to activities unless it was all and always spent in her town. They did manage to work things out largely in mediation, I think to everyones satisfaction. The fact they now have more agreement will become even more important as my DNs get older and their social life/activities become more important. I also attended mediation with my ex on a different issue involving our DD but like your ex, mine is a superficially charming, intelligent and likeable but deeply manipulative and emotionally abusive in reality. Like you I was fearful but amazingly things were again sorted out in a way that both of us appear content with and things have been easier since.

It's also sometimes helpful to hear the other perspective so I hope you dont mind me putting some of the points my brother raised to you? At the least forearmed is forewarned and might allow you to consider how to answer any points raised!

The main issue was the point a family friend who is a clinical psychologist raised. She said she had seen hundreds of cases of adults who had insecurities and mental health problems as a result of insecurities in their relationships with one or both of their parents but had never seen one with problems due to a lack of ballet or football classes age 10. Most of us dont continue with the activities we do at that age or even remember them very clearly but we do remember family times and everyday traditions as those with the greatest emotional meaning. She said that ideally both are possible but distance makes it difficult and if it came to a choice then regular routine time with a parent would trump a hobby in her mind. As they reach teenage years then socialising with friends becomes something of key importance too but it isn't until they are older that this should start to reach tge same level of priority as family time - especially if that is only every other weekend with one patent.

The other issue was that my exSIL saw no difference in my brother simply seeing their DCs at a hotel in her town rather than in his home. She felt that taking them to his house was just to make his life easier and couldn't see that it was much more about wanting the DCs to feel they had genuine connection with their fathers life and a normal home life with him there too that they couldn't get from every other weekend disconnected in a hotel. She would say 'their life is here' 'you can visit and join in if you like' and really couldn't see they had another life with him that had great value too. I realise you are not suggesting all term time contact stops as she was but if he misses a weekend then a month is a very long time to maintain any sense of normal family life - 2 weeks is a long time already. And if it was 2 or 3 galas each term then that really is having an impact and i can see why it would substantially change his interaction with his father and his siblings. I'm not sure why your son is so against 2 weekends in a row? Is it the travel, missing 2 weekends with you or something else? Has he ever tried it? If not it might be that he finds this is actually manageable.

Finally, I really don't think you are being unreasonable in expecting your ex to sometimes take him to a gala. Even if his children are little, sometimes your sons needs should trump theirs and it is part of normal parenting that parents do take their children to various events. If you had 2 small children your son would still go to the galas. My brother certainly offered to do this for particularly important events. The thing that made him concerned was that he would have no say in the decision at all and was often told what she expected to happen the day before. He would either have to cancel all his plans for the DCs or not see them. There was one famous weekend when I was up visiting and we had all arranged to go away camping for the weekend which we felt all tge dcs would love. ExSIL phoned up the day before to say she'd forgotten an extra gymnastics practise session and either he spent the time there or DN couldn't come at all. Again I'm not suggesting this is the case here but it may be your ex's fear. I think NRPs often get defensive fearing they have absolutely no say in any parenting decisions and my brothers experience certainly made me more mindful of that with my own ex. Mediation might help resolve that too and help him come to trust that he'd retain some say over what happened.

Sorry for long essay, I don't discuss this aspect of my life much and I appear to have got carried away!

i think this is quite an important issue re contact between separated parents - thank you op for starting this thread.

i have read with interest because i suspect this will be an issue when my dc are older. it kind of already is.

my parents are divorced. my dad used to take me swimming on a sunday with a couple of friends. it was fun - no issues there but during one of my mum weeks a school friend invited me to go horseriding with her at a local stables. i was hooked from the start. when i began to ride regularly i recall my dad's obvious upset and disspointed i didnt want him to take me swimming anymore. he didnt obstrcu me riding but he took no interest and i can only recall him driving me up there once or twice. i think he just handed me back to my mum for that. i have been riding now for 22 years. when i was 19 i got a job in the us teaching english riding which led to numerous jobs abroad/travel/experiences. what i recall from all that in terms of relationships with my parents is how much my mum encouraged and supported me (she has never sat on a horse!) and how much my dad didn't and that it was part of a wider issues of his not letting me grow up and be my own person.

op i think your ex is being v inflexible. surely his younger children would enjoy watching your son at a gala? sounds liek the swimming thing is a big part of who he is - ex refusing to acknowledge that will hurt him and their relationship in the end.

A different perspective.... My friends children regularly have activities over weekends..... His ex view is they are vital, his view is if children want to and it doesn't conflict with other plans he will take them. The children generally beg not to go as they want to do other things at weekend or just don't enjoy the activity. Sadly they are unable to show/tell this to mum as she becomes very angry, blames the father and will not accept it.
Strangely activities never fall on her weekend and if they do they aren't the important activities.
Maybe your son is saying one thing to you and different to his father in a way to try please everyone

What interesting views - spaghetti, it's excellent to have your view after experiences from both sides of the fence.

OP, Why is there a distance? Did the dad move away?

I suspect your son would ideally want both - to see his dad and spend time with his hobbies. It isn't fair for him to choose so I can see why it must be stressful for him. I think the priority must be to make this as unstressful for him as possible so I don't think this is something you should take to court. It will just cause you each to go to entrenched positions plus you will have to be guided with court and it may not go the way you would prefer.

I agree with mediation as an approach but I think ultimately there will have to be compromises on both sides. If the club could provide a list of key dates is that something you could start working on together. .i.e dad takes to actiivity on one weekend, your son attends on others, some he misses, sometimes he has 2 weekends in a row.

The other factor I would consider (and mediation will help with) is to mininise conflict. DC's suffer not because they miss activities BUT because of the conflict between parents. Parental conflict like this does do real harm to dc's emotional health (which tends to only come out when they are teens).

I have teens and do agree that activities can help to build confidence but realistically will he still be doing the hobby at 14, 16 or 18?? That's the assessment you have to make. Is this a once in a life time opportunity for your ds to develop or a hobby he may change/drop in a few years?

In a few years your ds will do other things - at our secondary school parents are asked to restrict after school activities from Year 10 onwards as it has such a detrimental impact into studying time.

Not an easy one but I think there is a compromise to be found - not ideal given the distances but where there is a will there will be a way.